We recommend a root canal performed with spoons in place of watching the Oscars tonight. It's less time consuming, and when the whole thing's done you won't be left with the empty feeling that comes after watching a room full of people rich with your money tell each other how great they are. But, if you're a masochist and you're going to check them out, don't do it unprepared.

After the jump, a handy shed-ule letting you know what time each award is being given. (Holy shit, is it ever long!) Use it to plan your pee breaks for when the design nerds are thanking their muses.

The first prize will be awarded at 5:54 PM (PT): it will be the costume design and the presenter is Jennifer Garner.

AWARD #2
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
(Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway): 5:54 PM (PT)

AWARD #3
MAKEUP
(Katherine Heigl): 5:57

PERFORMANCE - SONG #1 (26) 6:03:09
“Happy Working Song”(2:07)
(Amy Adams-vocs, orchestra)

AWARD #4
VISUAL EFFECTS
(Dwayne Johnson): 6:09

AWARD #5
ART DIRECTION
(Cate Blanchett): 6:13

Here Jon Stewart will joke about Blanchett’s double nomination as Queen Elizabeth and as Bob Dylan.

AWARD #6
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
(Jennifer Hudson): 6:18

PRESENTER INTRO PERFORMANCE 6:27
(Keri Russell)

PERFORMANCE - SONG #2 6:27
“Raise It Up”
(Jamia Simone Nash, Impact Repertory Theatre of Harlem [21],
Total Praise Community Choir [15], Orchestra)

AWARD #7
LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM
(Owen Wilson): 6:30

AWARD #8
ANIMATED SHORT FILM
(Barry B. Benson=VTPB): 6:36

AWARD #9
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
(Alan Arkin): 6:39

SCI-TECH AWARDS RECAP 6:49:20
(Jessica Alba)

AWARD #10
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
(James McAvoy, Josh Brolin): 6:50

PRESENTER INTRO PERFORMANCE 6:57:38
(Miley Cyrus)

PERFORMANCE - SONG #3
“That’s How You Know”
(Kristin Chenoweth-vocs, Dancers [32],
Marlon Saunders-singer, Steel Drummer,
Kids [2], Tuba Players [4], Chorus [16]): 7:00

AWARD #11
SOUND EDITING
(Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen): 7:06

AWARD #12
SOUND MIXING
(Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen): 7:09

AWARD #13
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
(Forest Whitaker): 7:15

PERFORMANCE - SONG #4 7:27:43
“Falling Slowly”
(Glen Hansard-vocs, gtr, Marketa Irglova-vocs, piano,
Orch)

Here Jack Nicholson will present a montage of Best Picture winners over the last 80 years.

AWARD #14
FILM EDITING
(Renée Zellweger): 7:33

HONORARY OSCAR TO
ROBERT BOYLE
(Nicole Kidman, Randy Thomas VO-Live, Robert Boyle): 7:38

AWARD #15
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
(Penélope Cruz): 7:47

PRESENTER INTRO PERFORMANCE
(Patrick Dempsey)

PERFORMANCE - SONG #5 7:54:46
“So Close”
(Jon McLaughlin-vocs, Featured Dancers [4],
Ballroom Dancers [14], Band Member Extras [9],
Bill Conti-Conductor)

AWARD #16
ORIGINAL SONG
(John Travolta, Ballroom Dancer-Valentina): 7:55

Here Stewart will perform a comedy bit with a Wii console.

AWARD #17
CINEMATOGRAPHY
(Cameron Diaz): 8:04

IN MEMORIAM TRIBUTE (3:00) 8:11
(Hilary Swank)

AWARD #18
ORIGINAL SCORE
(Amy Adams): 8:15

(She will refer to the most famous musical phrases in movies, e.g: Jaws, Close Encounters and Rocky).

AWARD #19
DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
(Tom Hanks, Special Guests [6] VTPB): 8:19

AWARD #20
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
(Tom Hanks): 8:22

AWARD #21
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
(Harrison Ford): 8:30

AWARD #22
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
(Helen Mirren): 8:37

AWARD #23
DIRECTING
(Martin Scorsese): 8:47

AWARD #24
BEST MOTION PICTURE
(Denzel Washington): 8:49