WE CAN’T IMAGINE WHY THAT DIDN’T WORK “Mel Gibson tried to play matchmaker between his son and Britney Spears, it has been claimed. … The Braveheart actor tried to hook Britney up with one of his twin sons, Edward – who was recently in rehab for cocaine and alcohol addiction.”

Heidi Montag just released yet another single to the masses, because we know everyone has been waiting on the edge of their seats for more “music” from the D-list loser. This one is called “One More Drink,” in which she talks about getting wasted and going home with a guy. This all makes sense, because she hopes to glorify God through her music and claims to never drink alcohol, ever.

I don’t like treating celebrities … It’s not a group I would seek out of a population I would necessarily treat as a separate goal because they’re very, very difficult.

-Celebrity Rehab star Dr Drew Pinsky

For some reason that makes sense to him and the junkie brain stewing in his skull, Pete Doherty has uploaded to YouTube a video of himself bathing. It’s both gross and surreal, and very reminiscent of one of our favorite scenes from Gummo, Harmony Korine’s apocalyptic treasure. Click through and let the discomfort get in every nook and cranny.

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I walked through Union Square on my way to acting class and got offered loose joints. Drug dealing was a great tradition in this city.

There are other traditions people can get involved with in this city. When I was younger, I used to get a bottle of wine and get drunk under the Staten Island Ferry… so there are things like that you can do.

-PETA spokesperson Alec Baldwin on what New York City tourists can do besides ride in cruel horse-drawn carriages

Shia LaBeouf, the young arriviste who talks like a street tough but looks like a Hebrew camp counselor, says he is “embarrassed” by a video that has recently surfaced showing him calling some dude a “faggot” and asking to be slapped.

Of course, he didn’t actually say he was embarrassed, but his publicist did, and those people are pretty much the Jiminy Crickets of Hollywood.

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Eccentric millionaire Puff Diddy Combs‘ $400,000 Maybach was rendered a mangled piece of shit on Friday night when it was rear-ended by a drunk driver named Charles Lorenzo, who, after getting out of his car to assess the damage he caused, passed out face down on the street.

Drunk driving’s stupid, but so is buying ultra-expensive motorcars, so how ’bout we all just agree to be thankful that idiocy canceled out idiocy and call it a day?

Mary-Kate Olsen either had a little too much to drink last night or was blinded by the paparazzi lights while out in LA. Considering she should be used to the cameras by now, we’re going to go with the first option.

Paula Abdul attended a benefit for the Neuromuscular Disease Foundation last night in Hollywood, likely in hopes of an open bar. We’re pretty proud of her, because despite looking like her typical loopy self, she actually seems like she knows her name and what year it is. So on a scale of one to 10, how drunk does Paula look?

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I’ll admit that I kind of love this season of the Real World. Although the issues aren’t as hard-hitting as those on the first few seasons, the Hollywood cast has struggled with more than just a drunken hookup. One of my favorite roommates, Sarah, is the anti-Trisha (from the Sydney cast): We’ve actually seen a self-proclaimed Christian evolve from judging others to genuinely reaching out and attempting to grow in her religion. And then there’s Joey, the guido-looking guy with whom I am inexplicably in love. Joey struggled with drug and alcohol addiction and anger issues until the producers suggested he attend rehab. In the clip above, Joey has just returned to the house and is greeted by his borderline-alcoholic roommates, who don’t plan to do anything to aid him in his recovery. Later in the show, Joey pointed out that, while the roommates don’t owe him anything, it would be nice if they were decent human beings every once in awhile. J, sweetheart, what did you expect?

This picture is neither necessarily gay nor necessarily straight. It is what it is: Chace Crawford, of Gossip Girl, performing fellatio on a long neck Bud. You can draw your own conclusions.

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You’ve got to hand it to jocks—they’re very consistent bastards:

Yankee A-Rod drowned his sorrows over the team’s loss to the birds last week at Baltimore’s Hooters, and must have been so bummed that he dismissed a young fan who wanted his autograph.

“Excuse me, Mr. Rodriguez, may I please have your autograph?” the excited 10-year-old said to him.

The third baseman just mumbled, “Beat it.”

He had two different words for the chesty waitress he bumped into as he left.

“Nice ass.”

As we’re sure you all know, ’tis the eve of the Sex and the City: The Movie premiere and people are flipping the hell out, dropping everything for the opportunity to be the first one on the cul-de-sac to see if Samantha really dies like all the papers say. (J/K)

Well, not us. How are we supposed to get excited about a movie portraying the lives of characters we would actively avoid were they real people? Then, a light bulb: booze!

We’ve made this handy-ass SATCTM drinking game in order to help perk up anyone else who’s less than thrilled about having to sit through two and a quarter hours of trite sexual innuendo. Take it, some flasks, and a case or two into the theater with you this weekend to get really, truly “Carried” away. And do try to avoid vomiting on someone’s pink blouse.

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WHAT ABOUT BILL? “Comedian Bill Murray’s wife of 10 years, Jennifer, has filed for divorce. In documents filed May 12 in a Charleston, S.C. family court, she accuses him of ‘adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.’”

“DEHYDRATION” “America’s Next Top Model champ CariDee English was hospitalized for dehydration, her rep confirms to People. A source says English was taken by ambulance last weekend from the MGM Grand at Foxwoods in Connecticut, where she was attending a party at the Shrine, a new restaurant/club.”

Paris Hilton attended Sober Day 2008, an event hosted by the Brent Shapiro Foundation for Alcohol and Drug Awareness, this weekend in Beverly Hills. We’re guessing she has a different take on the meaning of “alcohol awareness.”

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THAT’S OUR SEANY BOY! “At the opening day jury press conference [at Cannes], Sean Penn made a pitch for the first-ever jury prexy’s choice screening of the tsunami doc ‘The Third Wave;’ called George W. Bush’s politics ‘evil,’ and said, ‘film is about art, and art is about love. The brain has a purpose in connecting with the heart. When someone works without a brain or a heart they kill thousands of people around the world.’ Admitting that he was ‘not comfortable in a group of people like this,’ Penn asked one journo, ‘can you get me a drink?’”

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty have a lot in common — they both work in the music industry, they’re both above the law, and they’re both complete disasters. So it’s natural they would spend quality time together, like last night after a Babyshambles concert. Wonder what those two talk about?

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