Why Heidi Montag was allowed to “create” a fall collection for her Heidiwood line is beyond us, especially considering this series is even worse than the last, a feat we once thought impossible. Not only are the clothes uninspired and cheaply made, but each outfit has the dumbest name imaginable (see “Hoodiewood”). And evidently the only pants in her collection are those awful “black skinnies,” which says a lot about the variety in her line.
And if you weren’t totally convinced that this is the worst collection in the history of clothing, here’s the description of one of her outfits, creatively titled “Signature Required”: “All you need is Heidi’s signature for your VIP entrance…in this black denim jacket and overdyed black skinnies.” If there is indeed a club that required Heidi’s signature for admission, we don’t want to be on the guest list. Ever.
Having used the July 4 holiday weekend to quietly drop her lawsuit against Joe Francis, former Eliot Spitzer call girl Ashley Dupre is working on her next for-profit venture: reality TV show. She’s supposedly in talks with MTV, among other networks, to launch her own dating show, with Dupre becoming the next Tila Tequila as contestants vie to penetrate the Jersey Shore’s finest.
WE CAN’T IMAGINE WHY THAT DIDN’T WORK “Mel Gibson tried to play matchmaker between his son and Britney Spears, it has been claimed. … The Braveheart actor tried to hook Britney up with one of his twin sons, Edward – who was recently in rehab for cocaine and alcohol addiction.”
If you needed more proof that television is in an abysmal state, Joe Jackson, the patriarch of one of the most dysfunctional families in Hollywood, is bringing his brand of crazy to your small screen. Joe will have a film crew in tow as he attempts to reunite his sons one last time (sorry, Janet) and develops a clothing line (??). This really sounds like the worst idea ever.
And if you had any doubt this guy was absolutely insane, he solidifies it:
Being the father of all of the Jacksons, it is the father who is putting the Jacksons back together, father knows best.
Sounds like the ramblings of a totally sane person.
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On Friday, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will turn 22 years old. We’re assuming you would like to send gifts to the twins, so PETA has a great suggestion: Cut off some of your hair and mail it to the girls with a note reading, “Please, use my hair instead of the animals’. Happy birthday.” Because that’s not creepy at all.
But according to one of the PETA crazies, it’s totally justified:
Mary-Kate and Ashley are old enough now to know that fur doesn’t grow on trees. … We hope that on their birthday, they will take a moment to think about the many animals who won’t live to see another birthday thanks to the twins’ abominable taste in clothes.
Call us crazy, but if the twins haven’t responded to years of nagging and the Trollsen Twins Web site, it’s doubtful they’re going to suddenly have a moment of revelation after receiving a bunch of creepy hair dolls in the mail.
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A new low has been reached in the world of reality television, this one featuring an absolutely stunning array of bad things: modern country music, Playboy, professional wrestling, Hulk Hogan and former child stars.
Danny Bonaduce, Dennis Rodman and Dustin “Screech” Diamond are heading into the ring to compete in CMT’s upcoming reality series “Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling.”
Also on board are Todd Bridges (”Diff’rent Strokes”), super-heavyweight boxer ButterBean, Trishelle Cannatella (”The Real World”), Erin Murphy (Tabitha Stephens on “Bewitched”), Frank Stallone, ’80s pop star Tiffany and Playboy playmate Nikki Ziering.
They will compete to be named “Celebrity All-Star Wrestling Champion” based on their performance in various challenges that will include mastering complex wrestling moves, talking trash and working an audience.
Whoever wins, sadness reigns!
Well, let’s discuss the good news first: As of this very moment, there are no plans for a Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt reality show.
The bad news: There will be a Hills spin-off — focusing on Lauren Conrad’s friend and co-worker Whitney Port, who has publicly said she would never move in with Lauren because she can’t handle the cameras being around at all times.
MTV is prepping a show in which Whitney Port, 23, becomes bicoastal while working for fashion PR firm People’s Revolution — and befriends a group of NYC gals (including socialite Olivia Palermo).
Says the insider: ‘There will be more blondes in the city than you ever expected!’
The only person less deserving of a Hills spin-off is dead-eyed Audrina Patridge. Seriously, we love Whitney and all, but there’s no way she can carry an entire reality show on her own. Why not give Lo her own series? Now that we would watch. (OK, fine. We’re going to watch Whit’s show, too.)
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Everyone’s favorite relationship guru, Spencer Pratt, gets patriotic on us this week with his Radar advice column. A woman writes in to ask if she should stay faithful to her deployed husband or begin a secret lesbian relationship with another military wife. Um, OK. Spencer then describes what cheating means to him, and it’s kind of deep until he suggests a three-way.
The aforementioned husband must be really proud to serve our country in order to protect our freedoms — freedoms like receiving cheating advice from a D-list reality show loser.
Are you ready for the worst 30 seconds of your life? Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and Pete Wentz teamed up to shoot a commercial for some new Friday Night MTV thing (called F N MTV), but for the first few seconds we thought we really were watching an episode of The Hills. If this is the couple “acting,” then that should clear up any confusion in the minds of the slower MTV viewers as to whether or not the Speidi relationship is authentic.
UM, WHO WERE THE OTHER NOMINEES? “Kevin Federline is the new father of the year! Just in time for Father’s Day, Prive Las Vegas will award the proud papa of four his ‘father of the year’ status at a party he is slated to host there June 13.”
DOES HE HAVE TO REPRODUCE? “Newlyweds Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are eager to take what Mueller calls ‘the next step‘: starting a family. Although the couple are knocking down reports that they’re already expecting, Sheen, 42, tells Extra: ‘Doesn’t mean it’s not part of the plan.’”
BAD IDEA GETS WORSE “Elizabeth Berkley [has] boarded S. Darko (aka Samantha D), the sequel to Donnie Darko being directed by Chris Fisher. … Berkley is playing a speed freak-turned-Jesus freak whose sentiments about ridding the world of its exponential sin are rivaled only by her infatuation with her dreamy pastor.”
This week’s Spencer Pratt advice column is an issue near and dear to his heart: “How can I stop feeling bad about banging a celeb?” If we had a dollar for every time we asked ourselves that, we’d be broke, but you can rest assured Spence knows what he’s doing. Except replace “celeb” with “D-list reality show pony.”
You didn’t think we had forgotten about the weekly advice dished out by Spencer Pratt, did you? America’s favorite d-bag is back, and this time he’s advising a gay man on how to manipulate and humiliate his straight friends. Spencer dispenses a golden nugget of wisdom in which he points out that, without evidence, you have no case. So that whole thing where you and Heidi went on every talk show imaginable and declared that there really was an LC sex tape but no proof — what was that about?
It’s called taking your own advice. Try it.
GOOD INFLUENCES “Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are currently en route to Costa Rica on vacation together. … We spotted them leaving on a private plane to the Central American state early this morning. Sources tell us that Mel is taking Britney and her father Jamie for a mini-vacation.”
There are times when we ask ourselves, “Who the hell would seek advice from Spencer Pratt?” That’s why his Radar magazine column is informational — it reminds the world that Spence isn’t the only tool in America. This week, a reader is suffering the age-old dilemma of how to tell part of his crew that he can’t roll with them — after all, the exclusive clubs don’t let in more than five guys holding hands at a time. Or something like that.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you, guy.
UK-based sales company Velvet Octopus will be launching sales in Cannes for S. Darko, billed as the sequel to the 2001 cult hit Donnie Darko. Fox has already taken North American rights for the $10 million-budgeted film.
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The story picks up seven years after the first film when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.
We can’t decide whether to file this one under W for “Why?” or C for “Certain to be garbage,” so we’ll just put it into the bargain bin at truckstops and forget about it.
This week’s Radar magazine advice column treads into vomit-inducing territory: Spencer Pratt discusses butt sex.
Some loser wants to know how long you have to date someone before you can participate in said recreational activities, and we’ll just go out on a limb here and say he’s as big of a tool as the guy dishing out ill-advised guidance. But all is right in the world again when Spence gains back his reputation as King of the Douches when he mentions a poignant quote from his boxing coach. The fact that he even feels the need to bring up a trainer is lame enough, not to mention the fact that it’s likely just a reference to Heidi and her new punching bags.
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