BECAUSE NOBODY HAS ANY ATTENTION SPAN ANYMORE "Universal is teaming with 'Wanted' director Timur Bekmambetov for … a reimagining of the classic [Moby Dick]. Variety reports that Universal paid high six figures to Adam Cooper and Bill Collage to pen the screenplay. The writers intend to change the structure of the revered novel … The changes will include depictions of the whale’s decimation of other ships prior to its encounter with Ahab’s Pequod. Further, Ahab will be portrayed more as a charismatic leader than a brooding obsessive. 'Our vision isn’t your grandfather’s ‘Moby Dick,’ ' Cooper told Variety. 'This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story.'"

In response to Tina Fey's genius Sarah Palin impression on this weekend's Saturday Night Live (at right), McCain spokeswoman Carly Fiorina called Fey's portrayal "sexist" and "disrespectful." You know what? That's totally fair, because SNL never makes fun of any other political candidate. Oh wait…

Fiorina went on to say that "just because Sarah Palin has different views than Hillary Clinton does not mean that she lacks substance." Fair enough — so why haven't we seen it? The election is in six weeks, Carly. Time's a wastin'. Instead of calling a female comedian "sexist" when she very obviously is not, let's chat about that "substance."

THE OBNOXIOUS ODOR OF MENDACITY "When Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska took center stage at the Republican convention last week, she sought to burnish her executive credentials by telling how she had engineered the deal that jump-started a long-delayed gas pipeline project. Stretching more than 1,700 miles, it would deliver natural gas from the North Slope of Alaska to the lower 48 states and be the largest private-sector infrastructure project on the continent. … The reality, however, is far more ambiguous than the impression Ms. Palin has left at the convention and on the campaign trail. … an examination of the pipeline project … found that Ms. Palin has overstated both the progress that has been made and the certainty of success. The pipeline exists only on paper. The first section has yet to be laid, federal approvals are years away and the pipeline will not be completed for at least a decade. In fact, although it is the centerpiece of Ms. Palin’s relatively brief record as governor, the pipeline might never be built, and under a worst-case scenario, the state could lose up to $500 million it committed to defray regulatory and other costs." (both the emphasis and rage are ours)

YOU CAN PUT LIPSTICK ON A BULLSHIT PLAY AT VICTIM, BUT… "Sen. Barack Obama's reference to 'lipstick on a pig' has Republicans demanding an apology … McCain's campaign said Obama's remarks were offensive and a slap at Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin — despite the fact that the Arizona senator himself used the phrase last year to describe a policy proposal of Hillary Clinton's. … In Iowa last October, McCain drew comparisons between Hillary Clinton's current health care plan and the one she championed in 1993: 'I think they put some lipstick on the pig, but it's still a pig.' He used roughly the same line in May, after effectively claiming the Republican nomination." (emphasis ours)

The dumb-down patrol has finally finished off the Food Network. Once a place where snooty-ass epicureans could watch Mario Batali and Anthony Bourdain jump effortlessly between Italian, French and English while explaining wine pairings and mise en place, the channel gradually kiboshed its highbrow shows, replacing them with more provincial fare like reality programs and Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.

Yet, for all the changes, the station was still highly watchable compared to most of its contemporaries. Those days are over, foodies:

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John McCain’s campaign sure knows how to evolve! Realizing that their Barack Obama as Paris Hilton angle wasn’t sticking, the Republican’s ad team has thrown together this video of Biblical proportions: “Praise The One,” which paints Obama as a self-entitled, self-professed messiah.

A placidly sarcastic narrator opens the piece, "Let it be known that in 2008, the world will be blessed. They call him 'The One.'" Thus begins a collection of Obama footage that a fearful person might read as evidence of a false prophet — or, perhaps, as an exceedingly presumptuous charlatan.

CONTINUED »

Brody Jenner, all-American toy, has inked a deal with MTV to star in Bromance, a reality series that will follow The Hills monkey as he, and we fucking quote, "auditions a group of dudes to fill his 'bro' vacancy."

Each week, losing contestants will be booted from Bromance's bachelor pad in a "hot tub elimination ceremony," until the ultimate broham has been chosen to fill the spot of Jenner's ex-best broseph, Spencer Pratt.

Of course, twee ponce Ryan Seacrest is producing the massive mistake and laughing all the way to the munchkin bank where he gets his twinkle bucks. Sayeth the American Idol dildo, who doesn't at all enjoy the press speculation about his sexuality: "I can speak from experience — girls can come and go, but a 'bromance' can last forever." Let's hope not.

Chick flicks are in trouble, according to The New York Times. Recent additions to the "romcom" market — 27 Dresses, The Holiday, PS, I Love You — have proved to be shit compared to the bad bitches of the 90s like Sleepless in Seattle and Notting Hill, so Hollywood's out to save the genre! How? By casting cute women in funny/awkward/romantic situations to which men can also relate.

For instance, the upcoming Isla Fisher vehicle, Confessions of a Shopaholic, sure sounds like a chick flick (that title!), but producer Jerry Bruckheimer swears it's totally not: "We all have spending habits, a lot of us do." Good point: idiotic conspicuous consumption is genderless.

And what about Julie & Julia, the seemingly estrogen-spiked cryfest described thusly: " … a complex exercise … based on both the life of the cooking enthusiast Julia Child and the 2005 book of the same title by Julie Powell, who, stuck in place as an office temp as she approached 30, spent a year whipping up every recipe in Ms. Child’s 'Mastering the Art of French Cooking.'" Strictly for the ladies, right? Wrong! Says one of the film's producers: "We hope this will be a movie for everyone who likes eating." That means the models will absolutely hate it, but they hate everything, so you can't listen to them. Men love to eat, and so do many women. Winner!

Chill, Times, the chick flicks are gonna be fine. Now run along and fill another page with obvious drivel marketed as analysis.

Montel Williams, host of an eponymous talk show that's very embarrassing to watch, is being canned by CBS after 17 years. Stations that carried Williams' program will be instead offered a series of the show's reruns, which highlight the man when he still had the magic.

Above is a clip of "psychic" Sylvia Browne, one of Montel's favorite guests, telling the parents of a missing child that he had been kidnapped by a "dark-skinned" man, killed and disposed of in the woods. She was wrong, and the boy was found very much alive months later. Peace, Montel.