A judge says a woman accused of stalking John Cusack is competent to stand trial, but cannot represent herself.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Susan M. Speer made her ruling Wednesday afternoon based on a psychiatrist's evaluation of Emily Leatherman.

Of course she's competent—if we didn't have a job, we'd stalk John Cusack, too. His later work has been consistently regrettable, but the man was Lane Meyer!

JAMIE'S STICKING AROUND "Britney Spears will be under the conservatorship of her father Jamie until December 31, it was decided in court Thursday. 'Ms. Spears is reluctantly agreeing to extend the temporary [conservatorship],' L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz said after the hearing."

NO MORE PISSING ON GRAVES "[Britney Spears'] court-appointed attorney, Samuel D. Ingham III, told the Associated Press that he will not seek to extend the restraining order in court on Thursday — because Spears has cut all ties with [Sam] Lutfi anyway. 'Britney has made clear to everyone,' Ingham said, 'that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama 'Sam' Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future.'"

LAWSUIT GOES AFTER SCIENTOLOGY, CRUISE "Tom Cruise is named in a $250 million federal lawsuit that is using the RICO statute against the Church of Scientology. Ex-Scientologist Peter Letterese, a longtime critic of the church, filed suit in Southern District Court in Florida on July 15 alleging, among other things, that members of the church harassed him after he left. … Letterese calls the church a 'crime syndicate' and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families. He singles out Cruise, who's made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is 'aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.'"

Our favorite little guy, Verne Troyer, received great news this weekend as a judge shot down the distribution of that disturbing sex tape Mini Me made with his famewhore ex-girlfriend. Snippets of the 50-minute tape were leaked to TMZ last month — but Verne must approve of the selling or distributing of the tape, and he vowed he will do no such thing.

Good move, Verne. Seriously, we kind of love him, but no one wants to see his reptilian tongue darting in and out of that loser's mouth.

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Uh oh! Just one day after we were called "assy" for daring to suggest that Britney Spears should focus her energy on things other than making a new pop album, the perennially hysterical singer has lost a long-standing custody dispute with her ex-husband, self-styled pimp Kevin Federline (of the Fresno Federlines). Under the ruling, Federline will retain sole legal and physical custody of the couple's two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Spears will continue to be allowed twice a week visitation and once a week monitored overnights.

Sad, but don't feel too bad for Britney, she can use the emotions this decision will inevitably yield to liven up her new record. We can see the hits now: "My Kids Aren't Coming Home Tonight (So Stay a While Longer)" and "I Just Wanna Dance and Forget About Motherfuckin' Family Court. Shit! Goddammit!"

WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN REALITY TV CAMERAS? "Denise Richards went to court this morning, asking the custody judge for an emergency order restricting Charlie [Sheen]'s access to their kids. … We're told they told the judge there's a serious issue in Charlie's home that could have an adverse impact on the kids."

Dane Cook is currently undergoing a legal battle about the always-newsworthy dog poop. No, seriously. Evidently his landlord thinks Dane isn't picking up his dog's poop, but Dane claims he is. And, of course, TMZ is on the case.

The testimony is riveting, as Dane's lawyer insists the poop in question does not belong to his dog because "medium to small-sized dogs create a thumb-sized poop" — smaller than the feces found in the yard. The landlord countered back: "I know what Beast's pooh looks like, unfortunately. It's a dog's signature. Signature. Signature pooh."

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THE INTERNET KNOWS YOUR SECRETS "Dismissing privacy concerns, a federal judge overseeing a $1 billion copyright-infringement lawsuit against YouTube has ordered the popular online video-sharing service to disclose who watches which video clips and when. U.S. District Judge Louis L. Stanton authorized full access to the YouTube logs after Viacom Inc. and other copyright holders argued that they needed the data to show whether their copyright-protected videos are more heavily watched than amateur clips. The data would not be publicly released but disclosed only to the plaintiffs, and it would include less specific identifiers than a user's real name or e-mail address."

WHEN LOVEMAKING GETS IN THE WAY OF MASS MURDER "Lawyers who sued the makers of the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas profess to be shocked, simply shocked, that few people who bought the game were offended by sex scenes buried in its software. Any buyer upset about hidden sex in the violent game could file a claim under a settlement the lawyers struck with the game’s makers, Rockstar Games and its corporate parent, Take-Two Interactive. Of the millions of people who bought the San Andreas version after its release in 2004, exactly 2,676 filed claims."

BABY STEPS "Sources tell us [Britney Spears], who has been slowly gaining visitation back inch by inch, has made such progress the [commissioner] agreed in court today she's ready to have sons Jayden James and Sean Preston with her overnight."

The legal team defending R Kelly, aka Jack the Pisser, in his Chicago kiddie porn trial rested their case yesterday after just two days of testimony, meaning jurors could be in deliberation as early as Thursday.

According to reports out of Illinois, Kelly's defense was nowhere near as tight as his cornrows:

It was not the defense courthouse observers expected in the high-profile proceeding. There were no surprise witnesses, no gotcha moments, no explanation of how the raunchy video came into existence. During opening statements and the prosecution's case, the defense offered many theories that it didn't follow up.

If Kelly, the libido behind "Hump Bounce" and "Freak Dat Body," is convicted, he faces up to 15 hard years in prison. But don't get too excited just yet. As one legal analyst who spoke to the Chicago Tribune is quick to note: "Celebrities are tough to convict, particularly in their hometown."

Despite signing a prenup when the couple got married in 1997, Jennifer Butler Murray, Bill Murray's soon-to-be ex-wife, is asking a court to determine if the contract to which she agreed is valid. Never mind the fact that the prenup as is grants Jennifer $7 million cash and a $1 million house from Bill, she wants more. A real feminist, this one.

This morning, if you'd like to help make the world a more suitable place for life, you'll get yourself to Long Island and let the air out of Dina Lohan's tires. Such a sabotage should be enough to prevent the jagged mother of three from arriving on time to her court date today, thereby guaranteeing she'll be subject to "immediate arrest and imprisonment." A punishment that, according to allegations by ex-husband Michael, she probably deserves:

In scathing court documents, Michael [Lohan] charges his ex-wife with drunkenness in the presence of the kids. He claims that Dina failed 15 of 29 times to bring the younger children to judge-ordered visits with him, supervised by a therapist. But on April 8, the father charges, Dina "arrived toward the end of the therapy session in a completely inebriated and erratic state."

Dina had been "at the beauty parlor in anticipation of her impending trip to Las Vegas" for the show …

On April 15, Dina was "exhausted" as she sat in the waiting room with the children, Michael claims in the documents. "I later discovered that [her] exhaustion stemmed from the fact that she was hung over. She apparently had spent the prior evening binge-drinking at various nightclubs until the wee hours of the morning. … She was spotted completely inebriated."

It is a system that is corrupt on his best day. It is like being tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged down a gravel late at night. No one can hear your cries and complaints and it is not over until they say it's over.

-Alec Baldwin, in his new book A Promise To Ourselves: Fatherhood, Divorce and Family Law, on America's family court system.

Further solidifying his reputation as a grudge-bearing beast, at a party Friday night, Baldwin was overheard saying of his ex, Kim Basinger: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers."

R Kelly's defense team in his child pornography trial hit a dark patch on Thursday—literally.

Although lawyers for Kelly had claimed that a mole the singer has on his back was not shared by the man from the sex tape on which this trial is based, prosecutors yesterday used advanced digital imaging to prove that, indeed, the man from the tape has the exact same mole. Uh oh!

Kelly and his attorneys looked grim and dejected during the expert's testimony, while prosecutors looked pleased, appearing to smile as they sat at their courtroom table.

R Kelly's next hit: "Trapped in the Jail Cell (and Getting My Teeth Kicked In)"

The jurors in R. Kelly’s child pornography trial had the distinct displeasure of watching the sex tape that allegedly depicts R. Kelly having sex and urinating on a girl who could have been as young as 13. According to reports, Kelly “watched the video with a studied stare.” Maybe he was trying to act like he hadn’t seen it plenty of times when it was part of his personal video library.

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Our favorite person today is some 68-year-old man who fled Communist Romania and who now sits on the jury for R Kelly's child pornography trial.

He told the judge, "I'm probably not the smartest guy, but I will do what is best and fair."

Christ, what happened to my generation?