Coachella banished hippies from this year's festival but still allowed all of these tools to partake in the action. Life isn't fair.

[Source]

At least it can be said that when he does things, he does them completely.

…David Hasselhoff was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

Sources tell us David checked himself into Cedars-Sinai Hospital in L.A. after a binge.

…his rep says he checked out of the hospital and he's fine.

…the Hoff did have a relapse and is in the hospital, but is doing fine. In an exclusive statement, Katz tells us "David had a brief relapse and immediately recognized the importance of addressing it with the assistance of his doctors. He is doing fine and will be back home in the morning".

[Source]

Lucky day! David Hasselhoff's getting his own television program on E!. (So [sic]!)

The program…will follow the "fictional" life of an "international icon" as he tries to revive his career and date in Hollywood after a long marriage and nasty divorce. Hasselhoff apparently approached [Ryan] Seacrest to produce the program after discussing with friends what a great TV show his life would make.

"Tales" is said to be similar to that of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" in that reality will be blurred with the fictional character.

I was under the impression that David Hasselhoff blurred his reality too much already.

[Source]

• I'm more confused by what "NO REAL THAN YOU ARE" could mean. [Yahoo]

• Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital to be treated for cocaine and liquor induced exhaustion. [DListed]

• Who is Olivia Munn and why was she trying to eat this hot dog like that? Eating hot dogs the regular way is life threatening enough. [HT]

• Akon will never not be a total fucking loser. Sorry, I blame it on him. [ICYDK]

• Courtney Love eats cupcakes, drugs. [Yeeeah]

• The Hoff's still got it, and he doesn't mind if you touch it. [CityRag]

The good news is that if David Hasselhoff gets a key to Heaven, so do you. The bad news is that that hirsute playboy will be weirding you out for all eternity, and you're not allowed to bring pepper spray through the pearly gates.

CONTINUED »

• To fully appreciate the video above, you need to start with this. Then you will grasp the genius. [BWE]

• Bruce Willis says during his darkest days he turned to Will Smith for guidance, meaning that, sometimes, life really does imitate The Legend of Bagger Vance. Thank God. [DListed]

• Sienna and Keira: So happy together. [DS]

• Damn her awareness and self-respect! [HT]

• Cisco Adler's genitalia gets a resurgence in popularity thanks to Sarah Silverman. [CityRag]

• Do your worst, copper. No mortal man's prison can hold The Hoff when he's on a whiskey bender. [Yeeeah]

• Sarah Michelle Gellar still does stuff? [ICYDK]

Headline on Your Shoulders is like a caption contest but, instead of captioning the image given, you need to come up with a witty headline to accompany it. Keep it punny and—while it’s never preferable to share requests with Bill O’Reilly—we ask you to please, “keep it pithy.” And also, try to keep it interesting. What’s that mean? Well, let’s say the headline up above was “Gimme Headlines.” That’s a pun, and it’s succinct, but it’s not very interesting. Y’know?

Today's Headline on Your Shoulders winner is whatev:

DiCaprio replies, “It isn’t easy being green.”

Nicely done, whatev.

More after the jump.

CONTINUED »

• Screech still getting humiliated by the jocks. Probably not safe for work unless your boss doesn't mind repeated uses of the phrase, "I will wear your fucking ass out!" [DListed]

• Stevie Wonder gets behind the lens. Hilarity ensues! Blind guy's got the camera! Make him drive! [BWE]

• Lohan wins Maxim's sexiest, also FHM's coke-iest and Stuff's sad-iest. [HT]

• The Hoff's got 13 alcohol poisonings on his record. That's commonly known as a "boozer's dozen." [ICYDK]

• Brit's not pleased with her mother, herself, her exes, her career, her… [Yeeeah]

• Looks like Mac users are the lame nerds if the paparazzi love them. [CityRag]

• Miss Jay has a hard time forming coherent thoughts. No shit. Really? Miss Jay? [SH]

• See, your honor? She's a saint. [DListed]

• I'm guessing Snoop Dogg was not captain of the debate team. [SH]

• Borat was supposed to look like Freddy Mercury? [Glitterati]

• No more kids means more bar time. Score! [ASL]

• The answer is five. Five movies until they start highlighting the girl's boobs. [BWE]

• Oprah's for Obama. I say put Oprah on the ticket and run a "Double O for '08" campaign. That can't lose. [Jossip]

Get ready to weep for the world as you watch this video—leaked to Entertainment Tonight—of David Hasselhoff scarfing some drippy slop whilst his daughter begs him to "not get alcohol tonight." I'm not an expert, little lady, but I do believe he's already gotten that alcohol, and something tells me he drank it.

Oddly enough, this video footage may have been at David's behest, as sources told ET, "David told his daughters that if he ever fell off the wagon, they should tape him so that he'll know what kind of condition he's in and learn something from it." Maybe he's rethinking that one right about now.

[Source]

• Welcome to the states, Victoria Beckham, we may not be bright but we sure can give your rampant materialism and vapid conversation! [PopSugar]

• Jason Lee, Erika Christensen: B-List Scientologists. [DListed]

• Can someone please inform all starlets that Brandon Davis is completely hein? [A Socialite's Life]

• The Hoff in drag. [BWE]

• Ho Ho Ho. [Junkiness]

• Perez Hilton doesn't so much want to chat about that whole lawsuit thing. [Hollyscoop]

• Leaving a random message on Paris Hilton 's voicemail, funny. [DrunkenStepfather]

• If Lohan and this Kim Kardishian character got together, I would call them "LiL Kim." [Bastardly]

• Listen, I have no idea who this Prison Break car accident guy is, but can we talk more about why he had such young people in his car? [TMZ]

Perhaps David Hasselhoff understands the joke he has become a bit too well.

• I'm making "Laguna girls like to be on top" shirts right away. Expect them at Urban Outfitters within the month. [I'm Not Obsessed]

• Pete Doherty got busted for being Pete Doherty. [Celebitchy]

• Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore are officially the most boring couple of all. They've argued once. Ever. [DListed]

• Naw, man, I was, like, there, when Lohan sat on a bare mattress and took back some JD. [Goldenfiddle]

• Don't feel bad about owning more shoes than books, Christina Ricci, most of your peers don't even know what a book is. [PopSugar]

• Paris' second single get the ever-important Diddyproval. [Hollywood Rag]

• Today in celebrity catfights: Regis Philbin vs. David Hasselhoff. [Cityrag]

• Star Jones found dead in her finest fur. [Junkiness]

• Mischa Barton is a shitty client, but she looks nice in a dress. I guess you take what you can get. [DListed]

• I asked this Bob Dylan guy to be my MySpace friend. I hope I get the add cause his music sounds super emo-tastic. [MySpace via BWE]

• Just when you thought he couldn't get more desperate, David Hasselhoff is offering his goods to Kate Beckinsale. [PopSugar]

• Up until recently I lived very close to Matt Damon. It's probably for the best that I didn't knew that earlier. [NY Mag]

• The Find The Hottest Picture of Britney Before She Tanked competition. [CollegeHumor via CityRag]

• Yeah, life sort of sucks as the Other Knowles Sister. [I'm Not Obsessed]

• Dave Navarro has moved on to Jenna Jameson, cause Carmen Elektra just wasn't porn-y enough. [Star]

• While another MTV couple, the Barkers, prepare to Meet the Divorce Lawyers. [People]