Oh, Jennifer Aniston, no. No no no. Why, after four years, would you even think about opening your mouth to a national publication about the rumored feud between you and Angelina Jolie? This just reeks of desperation and lends entirely too much credibility to the naysayers who claim you're bitter and resentful.
All of this nonsense is the result of Jen "icily" telling the newest issue of Vogue: "What Angelina did was very uncool." This, in light of Angie's recent revelation that she and Jen's ex-husband, Brad Pitt, fell in love during the making of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, contrary to earlier reports that the romance started only after filming.
Unfortunately, Jen's friends aren't helping matters. One is even calling this middle school feud "hugely significant": "This interview shows that Jennifer is no longer afraid of Angelina." No, actually, it shows that Jennifer still can't let this whole thing go.
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Errant, temperamental meathead Danny Bonaduce has been ordered by an LA judge to pay $16,000 a month in spousal and child support to his ex wife, Gretchen. Before you get all depressed that someone like Danny Bonaduce has $16,000 a month to just give away, remember how much of himself he has to part with to come across that wealth. For instance, part of his divorce settlement allowed him to keep the rights to Gretchen's former title for use in an upcoming reality show: The Next Mrs. Bonaduce.
In other news, thank god Prop 8 passed! Can you imagine how completely ruined the sanctity of marriage in California would have been if it hadn't?
RITCHIE RECEIVING THREATENING TEXTS FROM MADGE "Madonna has been taunting Guy Ritchie with dozens of weird text messages. Director Guy, 40, showed crew on the set of his latest film Sherlock Holmes one which read: 'You’re going down.' He said he found his estranged wife’s behaviour odd, but that he is used to it by now. And he confided in one pal: 'This is her idea of a joke – but it’s not funny. Imagine what it was like living with her.'"
MADGE'S RABBI WANTS DIVORCE KEPT HUSH HUSH "Madonna is facing a major fall-out with her kabbalah leaders who are demanding an immediate out of court settlement to her divorce from Guy Ritchie. Rabbi Berg, the most senior kabbalah member and her spiritual leader, has instructed her that the ongoing mudslinging and prospect of a court battle between the sect's two most high-profile members could badly damage its image. Berg has now given Madonna a 24-hour deadline to come back to him with a plan to mediate towards a swift divorce resolution using a round-table of kabbalah leaders chaired by him."
You're the world's biggest pop star, in the middle of a global tour, and all you want to do is avoid the press so you can spoon with your new Major League Baseball playing boyfriend. Such is the thicket of Madonna's life. Except standing in the way of these grand plans is the obnoxious press, filled with their anonymously sourced items painting you as the self-absorbed persona you practically branded yourself from the beginning. So just who is leaking all your personal details to the media?
Heather Mill's, the one-legged ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, spent most of this spring fighting in a bitter divorce settlement that left her way richer than she was before she met the Beatle. The former porn star was awarded $48.6 million, an insane amount but still only a fraction of what Mucca originally asked for ($250 million).
You guys remember this right? She poured a cup of water on her husband's attorney's head after it was all over? Super fun!
So what has Heather Mills been doing with all her cash? Keeping a low profile so to not attract any more press? Saving her money for a rainy day?
Haha, what, why would you ever think that:
PALTROW COMES TO MADGE'S AID " Gwyneth Paltrow is helping her friend Madonna through breakup of her marriage. The actress told reporters that she's supporting the pop star following Wednesday's announcement that she's separated from filmmaker-husband Guy Ritchie. 'She's a very good friend. I'm supporting her in all the ways that I can. I'm just there for her. I speak to her a lot.'"
Yohane Banda, the man who allowed Madonna to adopt his child and then used the situation repeatedly to bask in the media spotlight, is back at it after hearing news of the singer's divorce from Guy Ritchie.
Instead of offering up a respectable "no comment," the father has this to say:
I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he'd be better off back with us. This woman, Madonna, told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take care of him. Now I see him in a big bewildering crowd in the street with people pushing and shoving, and many cameras around, and without a mother and father to hold his hand. I'm feeling bad for him.
OK, we tend to agree that celebrity children shouldn't have to put up with the paparazzi madness, but what good can come of Banda publicly wishing David was back in his arms? The child deserves better than being treated like a winning lottery ticket.
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First we told you that Guy Ritchie stood to make $100 million plus from his divorce with Madonna. Then came word that, no, Ritchie wants "not one penny" of Madge's fortune. But if that's true, then why has Madonna acquired the services of Fiona Shackleton, Britain's shrewdest divorce attorney?
Today, new information about the still unfolding drama says that not only is Ritchie going after Madge's millions, under British law, he stands to see about 250 of them. If he's successful, his would be the most expensive celebrity divorce in recent history.
After the jump, some more ungodly settlements.
Look what we found! A picture of Madonna and Guy Ritchie appearing like they actually like each other. Enjoy it while you can, because the divorce proceedings are already starting to get nasty. A look at what each divorcée is saying about the other, after the jump.
MADGE ALREADY A VINDICTIVE PSYCHO "… Madonna couldn't resist launching a thinly veiled attack on her soon to be ex husband Guy Ritchie as she took to the stage in Boston last night. Before she sang 'Miles Away', which Madonna previously claimed was inspired by Ritchie, she told the audience: 'This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. God knows I do.'"
KEEP YOUR STINKIN' MONEY! According to The Sun, we spoke too soon when we speculated that Guy Ritchie would probably wrangle away around $100 million from estranged wife Madonna's coffers: "THE marriage of Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been dogged by bitterness and recrimination for YEARS — and any notion that they have battled to save it is a myth. The couple are said to be just days away from finalising their split. And Guy has told lawyers he wants 'not one penny' of her estimated £300million fortune."
MADGE BRINGS OUT THE BIG GUNS "… Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the lawyer who represented the Prince of Wales when his first marriage came to an end. Nothing but the best for the Queen of Pop. Mrs Shackleton also represented Sir Paul McCartney in his divorce from Heather Mills, reducing his former wife’s claim to a fraction of what she had requested. Given the dizzying sums at stake in the Madonna/Ritchie settlement – they have an estimated joint fortune of £300 million, and one observer suggested that Ritchie could be awarded up to £150 million – it may be a wise appointment."
Hey, did you hear? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. This really caught us off guard, seeing as how they always looked so happy in all of their pictures. Take this photo at left, for example. See that undeniable romance? No? Well, neither do we. And the rest of the pictures are even colder. It's a shame these two kids couldn't make it work.
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Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage has gone the way of their Swept Away remake, let's look into how much rapidly devaluing cash and assets are going to change hands, shall we?
Summer, the season of slow news in New York, was revitalized this year with scandal of all scandals: Rumors of Madonna stepping out on Guy Ritchie to enjoy a secret affair with Yankees all-star Alex Rodriguez. The New York tabloids had a field day, bouncing between denials from Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg and tips from Madonna's doormen about A-Rod sightings. Meanwhile, Ritchie flew from London to New York so the couple could be seen doing normal things, like dining for the paparazzi, flaunting their children for the paparazzi, and loving each other for the paparazzi. Most saw through the charade. Then gossips in London began leaking details of on-going spats between the famous married couple, and how they basically led separate lives already, sleeping in different beds and, often, separate cities. And then yesterday came the penultimate headline: Britain's The Sun claimed a divorce was imminent. And today? Confirmation. Except the timing is all wrong, or so we imagined.
MADONNA-RITCHIE MARRIAGE OVER? "MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE are to divorce, The Sun can exclusively reveal. A statement confirming their marriage is over has been prepared and is set to be released imminently. The couple are going public with their split because they 'can’t bear to live with the pretence any longer'."
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