Try to think back to earlier this week when Heather Locklear was arrested on suspicion of DUI. She looked crazy, but TMZ is saying that the woman who reported the crime in the first place is even crazier — she's a former Us Weekly staffer. Yeesh.

Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly's computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear in the Montecito area. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn't even moving at the time.

After calling 911, Ishkanian took the next logical step: She called a paparazzi agency to take pictures of the event, because why wouldn't Heather want to document this memory? But this isn't helping Locklear one bit: Officials said that Ishkanian's actions don't take away her credibility as a witness. Just her soul.

OF COURSE HE WON'T "Shia LaBeouf will not be charged with drink-driving [sic] after he was involved in a car accident in Los Angeles. But the Indiana Jones star's licence could still be suspended because he refused a breathalyser test at the time, sheriff's officials said. 'Shia is most happy that he will not have to go to court,' said his lawyer, Michael Norris."

DENY, DENY, DENY "Shia LaBeouf may have been arrested for DUI after Sunday's car accident — but Transformers director Michael Bay insists the actor was not impaired. 'He was not drunk,' Bay tells Access Hollywood in an interview slated to air Friday. 'He was drinking hours and hours before.'"

Despite the fact that on the night of Shia LaBeouf's car accident "it was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated," it's looking like the actor will indeed be let off the hook. Detectives have announced that Shia was not at fault for the accident — the other driver allegedly ran a red light, making him or her responsible.

Fair enough, but what about the fact that Shia was obviously drunk at the scene of the car crash? Does that count for nothing?

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Shia LaBeouf finally graduated from smoking in restricted areas and getting drunk at Walgreens to actual DUIs, and what better way to celebrate than with a perfectly timed Details cover? The interview, which took place before Shia's latest run-in with the law, details his childhood hobbies, also enjoyed by his father:

We would drink together and smoke together and it's just a bad deal. It's not something that is conducive to being a role model — no iconic actors that I know of have problems like that. And I don't know how to do it like a gentleman. I don't know how to have one drink.

So while I think it's absurd he won't be held responsible by the California legal system, I still hold out hope that he is self-aware enough to get himself the help he obviously needs. Of course, I'm a dreamer.

The mystery woman who was riding shotgun when a drunken Shia LaBeouf caused that accident in West Hollywood? It was Isabel Lucas, Adrian Grenier's "girlfriend." Uh oh!

Back in May, while discussing with David Letterman his trespassing arrest at a Chicago Walgreens, Shia Labeouf noted, "Drinking and driving is one thing, but drinking and shopping … it's just as bad." Ha! Funny, because he knows that's not true. But now that the young actor has drunkenly rolled his pickup truck into another car in Hollywood, endangering himself and two others in the process, he probably wishes it were.

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One day after news broke that Mischa Barton was "disappointed" to be associated with Hollywood's young partying starlets, the twiggy actress was spotted having a really good time in Berlin. The good news: At least she's learned to hire a driver.

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Mischa Barton is featured on the cover of Nylon magazine's August issue for reasons unbeknownst to us. The actress is no longer relevant in any way, shape or form, and to top it all off, she's delusional. Regarding her DUI arrest in December of last year, Mischa says that was a "low point" in her life: "I never, ever would have thought I would be arrested. I was disappointed because it associated me with a group of girls that I would rather not be associated with."

If you didn't want to be associated with that certain group of girls (we're assuming she means Nicole and Lindsay), then why not just refrain from that behavior in the first place? Oh, right, that's too easy.

THREE WHOLE DAYS "Khloe Kardashian, the youngest of the Kardashian sisters, has been sentenced to three days in Los Angeles County jail for violating probation following a DUI arrest."

This might be interesting had Paris Hilton not already done it first: Khloe Kardashian will report to jail Friday to serve her 30-day sentence for DUI. You remember her DUI arrest, right? It was reenacted for an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Oh, I was the only one who watched it?

Anyhoo, the judge has decided to "make an example out of her," but she will likely only serve less than one day of her 30-day sentence. Apparently even being a D-lister's sibling is enough to get you the celebrity justice treatment.

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Eccentric millionaire Puff Diddy Combs' $400,000 Maybach was rendered a mangled piece of shit on Friday night when it was rear-ended by a drunk driver named Charles Lorenzo, who, after getting out of his car to assess the damage he caused, passed out face down on the street.

Drunk driving's stupid, but so is buying ultra-expensive motorcars, so how 'bout we all just agree to be thankful that idiocy canceled out idiocy and call it a day?

Carmelo Anthony, a 23-year-old forward for the Denver Nuggets, was arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of DUI. The toxicology test to which Anthony submitted won't bear results for two weeks, but police say they witnessed him "[fail] to drive in a single lane."

Unsavory behavior has become the norm for 'Melo, who in the past few years has been suspiciously close to two drug busts and suspended from 15 games for playing a major part in a brawl between his team and the New York Knicks. Nevertheless, he's fast and tall, so, y'know, keep giving him millions.

After the jump, Anthony being ejected from a game for choking another player.

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Life is tough for the Hiltons: Paris and Nicky's little brother, Barron, pleaded no contest to his DUI charge from last February. His punishment was what you would expect: Three years probation, a trip to the LA County Morgue and a one-year license suspension.

That'll show him.

NO TIME FOR MISCHA "Mischa Barton will escape doing time … by accepting a plea in her DUI case. People reports that she will plead no contest at her DUI arraignment this Thursday. In exchange, the weed possession charge has been dropped and the driving without a license charge has been reduced to an infraction. Mischa will pay a fine of $1,700, complete a three-month alcohol-education class and serve 3 years of unsupervised probation."

Upstanding citizen Richie Sambora was charged with DUI after being pulled over last night in LA and failing multiple field sobriety tests. But it gets better: Sources say 10-year-old Ava, Richie's daughter with Heather Locklear, was in the car at the time — therefore Richie could possibly face child endangerment charges.

Between a drunk driver and a potential suicide case, Ava should just get a new set of parents.

OUT WITH THE 40-YEAR-OLD… "[Lindsay Lohan]'s being dropped as the face of fashion label Jill Stuart and replaced by older horsey-faced actress Hilary Swank. … Apparently poor Lindsay doesn't have the right image for the brand, after her previous DUI conviction, allegedly being in possession of cocaine, getting her breasts out and, let's not forget, appearing in I Know Who Killed Me."

ENTITLED BRAT LIKES HEROIN "The LA District Attorney has just charged Jason Davis — aka Gummi Bear — with felony possession of a controlled substance and misdemeanor driving under the influence. The controlled substance in question: heroin. Davis was popped by LAPD on Ventura Blvd. in Van Nuys last Friday. Police sources told us at the time of the arrest that the substance in question was cocaine, but it turns out it was much more serious than that."