AMERICAN PRICK SELLS GAUDY MONSTROSITY TO RUSSIAN PRICK “Real estate mogul Donald Trump closed the sale of a Palm Beach mansion to a Russian billionaire Tuesday for the blockbuster price of $95 million. ‘I love breaking records,’ Trump said Wednesday, ‘and this is a record.’ It’s believed to be the most expensive single-family home ever sold in the United States.”
Film and oil executives want to thank you for taking it on the chin, common man. In these difficult financial times, were it not for your gas money and inability to afford more luxurious forms of entertainment, they might actually have to, y’know, not be so fucking rich.
Not only are box office profits increasing due to mommies and daddies nationwide being forced to find something for their kids to do now that road-tripping to Disneyland isn’t an option, bloated captains of the oil industry are also making a killing by investing their massive profits in films, thereby making them untouchable to hefty windfall taxes; taxes that would just go to stupid social welfare programs.
Rest easy, people: The super-wealthy are going to be just fine. Now you go watch Iron Man and forget all about those tuition payments you’ve got come August.
Well, it’s only 2008 and the admen already think (know?) we’re this lazy and programmed to conform, so how long until they completely abandon their games and just start saying, “Give us your money because other people have”?
John Cusack is an actor, which, according to Bill O’Reilly, does not make him qualified to speak publicly about political issues.
Bill O’Reilly is a homophobic and racist blowhard, which does not make him qualified to speak publicly.
Not because I’m surprised, but just because we should all stay abreast of these things:
While discussing ninth-grade students at a school in New Jersey who were suspended for distributing topless photographs of their classmates, Bill O’Reilly stated, “But it’s an amazing amount of kids involved with this — 20 — in an affluent school district. This isn’t, you know, the inner city; you would think that these kids would have some kind of a values system.”
Brody Jenner, all-American toy, has inked a deal with MTV to star in Bromance, a reality series that will follow The Hills monkey as he, and we fucking quote, “auditions a group of dudes to fill his ‘bro’ vacancy.”
Each week, losing contestants will be booted from Bromance’s bachelor pad in a “hot tub elimination ceremony,” until the ultimate broham has been chosen to fill the spot of Jenner’s ex-best broseph, Spencer Pratt.
Of course, twee ponce Ryan Seacrest is producing the massive mistake and laughing all the way to the munchkin bank where he gets his twinkle bucks. Sayeth the American Idol dildo, who doesn’t at all enjoy the press speculation about his sexuality: “I can speak from experience — girls can come and go, but a ‘bromance’ can last forever.” Let’s hope not.
Simply “perplexed” that he would be dishonored with an award for defaming gay folk, Bill O’Reilly recently hosted Mikayla Connell of San Francisco Pride so they could go over his anti-gay ways. Holier-than-thou O’Reilly, of course, deflects all the criticism onto other people, like his guests. What a man.
Some horrible, but completely expected news from the Roommate Newswire: “i heard on npr this morning that the choices for real world bklyn are ft. greene and williamsburg.”
… this morning MTV announced it has greenlit the 21st season of The Real World. It will be filmed in Brooklyn, the reigning home turf of post-teen drama, and broadcast in 13 one-hour episodes in early 2009. No word yet regarding in which neighborhood the attention-seeking hopefuls will reside …
Please, please, please, please, please let it be Brownsville. It could be the first accurate use of the titular “Real” in the show’s history.
That ridiculous and toxic “cool spotting” Web site we told you about earlier is already being made a mockery of using the very tools it provides. Though the site signed a deal giving exclusive sponsorship rights to Pepsi, Coca-Cola Classic is apparently the preferred soft drink of famous cool people. Ha!
Oh, for fuck’s sake:
Coolspotters.com, a new Web site that presents what products celebrities are using, launched Wednesday in beta with Pepsi signed on as the exclusive launch sponsor.
The site … has pages for products … and connects them to actors, athletes, business icons, musicians and politicians.
For example, Jessica Alba’s page features links to pictures of the actress wearing Timberland shoes or using a Sidekick 3. Pepsi’s page has links to YouTube clips of Pepsi commercials featuring celebrities and candid photos of Lindsay Lohan and Alba with the soft drink.
Because it shouldn’t taste good to you if it doesn’t taste good to Jessica Alba.
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