CUE THE CHIRPING CRICKETS "President Bush wants to send the 'Jessica jinx' to this summer's Democratic National Convention in Denver. 'We're going to send Jessica Simpson to the Democrat National Convention,' he joked in front of members of the Super Bowl-winning New York Giants who were visiting the White House Wednesday. Simpson was widely blamed for beau Tony Romo's worst performance of his career as a Dallas Cowboys quarterback in December."
While the leading candidates for president squared off last night in taped messages aired on WWE's Monday Night Raw, the commander-in-chief himself appeared on an episode of Deal or No Deal to wish luck to Joe Kobes, a contestant who had done three tours of duty in Iraq. After making a joke about how everyone hates him because he's pissed on the world, President Bush went back to brainstorming ways to stop Kobes' peers from killing themselves.
Video of both shows after the jump.
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The Oliver Stone-helmed George W Bush movie had so much promise. Done correctly, it would be scathing, timely, brash and important, all the things that made Wall Street good and Platoon great. But we've just read part of the script and "wind from our sails" is an understatement—the ship has sunk. W is going to be paranoia-drenched hokum; Bush biographers are already saying it "really misses the mark." Leave it up to liberals to ruin a sure thing.
Click through for a peek at some pages of script.
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American President George W Bush yesterday threw out the first pitch for DC major league team the Washington Nationals. The POTUS was loudly greeted as an occupier, not a liberator. That is to say that many in attendance "booed the shit out of him" (to quote a friend who was there).
According to a publicity stunt conjured by the New England Historic Genealogical Society, presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton can claim as cousins an odd assortment of famous people. For instance, Clinton is a cousin of permamommy actress Angelina Jolie. Interesting, but not implausible. That is, until you consider the NEHGS's finding that Clinton's rival, Senator Obama, is related to Jolie's longtime partner, Brad Pitt.
Also said to have familial connections to Senator Clinton are Celine Dion, Madonna and Alanis Morissette. Perhaps fittingly, Barack can call six US presidents "cuz," including James Madison and George W Bush. And maybe he gets his oratorical skills from another distant relative: Sir Winston Churchill.
Conclusions:
• Racists know very little about history.
• Politics has never mattered when the lights are off.
• The Obama camp needs to play up that Pitt connection.
• Demi Moore has a great new beauty treatment: Allowing leeches to prey on her. Which works out nicely, since she's with Ashton Kutcher. [PS]
• Amy Winehouse cleaned up her act! Just kidding, she looks like hell. [DListed]
• Priscilla Presley's face is all messed up because it was injected with "silicone used to lubricate auto parts." We're going to pretend that's also what happened to Jocelyn Wildenstein. [TMZ]
• Genealogists believe Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie and Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt. You know who else they say Barack is related to? George Bush. [Yahoo]
• Britney knows talent when she sees it: American Idol contestant Kristy Lee Cook, this season's Sanjaya, was signed to Spears' label many years ago and was even mentored by the pop star. We can see that worked out. [INO]
• Denise Richards legally dropped Sheen as her last name; still no word on what she did with her dignity. [Us]
Attendees of the most recent annual Gridiron Club press dinner got quite a surprise when President Bush donned a cowboy hat and a shit-eating grin before breaking into harmony with some other assholes. Literally a swan song, Dubya's tune cracked wise about "Brownie," the man who contributed greatly to the deaths of hundreds and hundreds of poor people, and about how it's wonderful that the prosecutors are finally off Scooter Libby's lying ass. Basically he crooned that he and his friends are total fuck-ups who have ruined the world. Funny, right?
If the song alone doesn't fill you with rage, note that the POTUS performed this ditty in front of many of the most powerful people in journalism today; people whose job it is to inform you when our President is giggling about horrible tragedies behind our backs.
At the end of the performance, Bush received a standing ovation.
In an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, Mollygood looks to poetry with Someone Haiku. Each day – using 17 syllables or less – you’re given the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that’s washed up on the shores of Mollygood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that’s devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.
Today's Someone Haiku winner is Lisa(#1):
Pride in being a
Family, not just for cats-
For pinnapeds too.
Yes, pinniped's spelled wrong, but you can't talk shit if you googled it. Well done!
New one after this.
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In light of the death of actor Heath Ledger, President Bush today postponed a press conference in which he would have promoted an anti-prescription drug abuse ad campaign. The White House said they canceled the event so as not to appear "opportunistic." This from people who won't even listen to the UN.
Celebrities make too much money. Subjective, sure, but probably true. Truer still is that very often those fortunes are wasted in inglorious, ill-planned blazes.
But sometimes the millions serve a higher purpose; sixth homes declined in favor of the public that makes a celebrity a celebrity. Yet where are those figures in Star and the National Enquirer?
Screw Birkin bags, time for money that counts: political donations.
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Buy two and you could have fed three starving children!
That wacky Ellen DeGeneres convinced Jenna Bush to ring her father, POTUS George W Bush, during a live taping of DeGeneres' show yesterday.
After some gentle prodding from Hollywood's most beloved lesbian and her wide-eyed audience, Jenna called the First Family's private telephone line for a chat.
Nervously waiting for her parents to get on the line, Jenna said, "They're going to kill me." Horse feathers! Everyone knows they only kill other people's kids.
Naomi Campbell met with Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez last Tuesday evening, but in a press conference the supermodel made it clear that she wasn't there "to be political" and was instead visiting as an "ambassador" to the nation's sick children. The apolitical Campbell was invited to Caracas after telling a group of Brazilian businessmen she "hated" President Bush.
With a recent spate of indefinite Hollywood pregnancies solidifying the numbers, it's safe to say unmentionable baby bumps are at an all-time high. With that, let's look back at the best ones ever, because that's what people do when things are popular.
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With Bush's job approval rating at a solid 33 percent, thereby leaving little fear of righteous retribution from conservatives unwilling to bash the President, Ann Coulter has lowered her guns from 9/11 widows and is now taking aim on the POTUS:
"President George W. Bush is evidently the first mentally retarded person to get a Harvard M.B.A., graduate from the U.S. Air Force Flight School, be elected governor of Texas and then be elected President of the United States twice. I guess this is what they call 'mainstreaming,'" Coulter writes in her new book, "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans."
The Coulter Conservative: Willing to plunk down hard earned cash for bloated "retard" jokes. If Ann's fans had any brains, they'd read bathroom stalls; that's a lot cheaper, and you know how much they hate to spend money.
[Source]
• What an interesting way to call a man a "pussy." [BWE]
• Thanks for the El Debarge update, guys. I was starting to get worried. [DListed]
• This guy's lucky Friends is still on, considering Joey was canceled, though later than it should have been. [ICYDK]
• If she went this far without having the mole removed, I'd hope she wouldn't get breast implants. [HT]
• Was Owen Wilson on heroin? Is anyone giving him his privacy like he asked? Does he do heroin in private? [Yeeeah]
• Posh Spice fake nipples. [Source]
Editor
