If you are among the last contestants to survive American Idol, one of two things will happen to you after the show wraps: You will make the morning show press rounds, announce a record deal with a major label, put out an album, win the Grammy for Best New Artist, and go on to a lifetime of fame and money; or you will make the morning show press rounds, announce a record deal with a major label, put out an album, watch sales stall at 200, and get dropped from your label. Guess which category Blake Lewis — who lost to Jordin Sparks — falls into?

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Britney Spears was inexplicably not asked to perform at this year's Grammy Awards, but that didn't stop the walking disaster from acting like a guest judge on American Idol while watching the awards show from home:

About Beyonce's widely acclaimed duet with Tina Turner, Britney reportedly quipped, 'Too bad she can't dance as good as Tina — who's old enough to be her grandmother!'

Even though Amy Winehouse looked sober and clean, the former princess of pop reportedly said of Winehouse's much-anticipated performance via satellite from London, 'Look at her! Look how stoned she is! She is so obviously stoned!'

Oh snap, you girls just got served — by a woman who constantly shows up in public wearing no pants and a pink wig.

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So that we can ignore it for the rest of the post: Yes, Aretha Franklin has put on a tremendous amount of weight and looks to be very unhealthy. But, at hand here: Her rage at being slighted at the Grammys, which might be bigger than her physical body!

When Beyonce and Tina Turner hit the Grammy stage for their high-octane duet on Sunday, …the woman known as the "Queen of Soul" was left in a state of dismay over Beyonce's introducing Turner as "the Queen."

Clearly offended, Aretha Franklin says in a statement, "I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé, however I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy. In addition to that, I thank the Grammys and the voting academy for my 20th Grammy and love to Beyoncé anyway."

No love to Tina? Pointed!

While she will continue to hold the title of Queen of Soul, Franklin's original handle will from now on be interchangeable with the excellencies the Queen of Paranoia and the Queen of Being a Damn Baby.

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We really, really, really do believe Nas to be a bit of a genius, we just wish he could better vocalize his intentions behind calling his upcoming album Nigger.

If you're a fan of Nas and understand what he's trying to say, this video is difficult to watch; if you don't really care about rap or postmodernism, at least you can enjoy seeing the lily-white reporter awkwardly discuss the MC's shirt before telling him he's wrong about hip-hop being dead ("Kanye's up for eight Grammys!").

Natalie Cole, the jazzy daughter of famous crooner Nat King Cole, is such a hater!

Cole says she was "disappointed" that notoriously troubled singer Amy Winehouse was awarded with five Grammys at Sunday's ceremony, adding, "I don't think bad behavior should be rewarded…"

Anticipate a windfall, charities of LA! As Nat King Cole carried on many well-publicized affairs throughout his marriage, we expect the morally outraged Natalie will soon be getting rid of all of her cheating father's dirty, dirty money. Otherwise, she's a hypocrite who shouldn't talk anymore.

After nabbing the Grammy for her hit song "Umbrella," Rihanna found herself in a minor vehicular accident. The singer was leaving a Def Jam afterparty when another vehicle veered off the road and crashed into Rihanna's parked car. Nobody was injured.

The report failed to mention the other driver's name, but we have a feeling it was Kanye West, who had taken his post-Grammy rage to the streets: He was overheard yelling, "I should have won! Give a black man a chance!" before speeding away from the crime scene in search of Herbie Hancock.

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We've said before that Kanye West is an insufferable egomaniac whose work is often incongruous with the pride he has in it. If in the past you've disagreed with our assessment, look no further than the rapper's Grammy acceptance speech last evening to offer validity to our naysaying.

Throughout three minutes of bloviating, West tells fellow musician Common that if he wanted to win the award he shouldn't have released his record this year, demands that "wrap up" music be silenced so that he can continue speaking and plainly says that Amy Winehouse and himself are the only musicians deserving of the award for album of the year (Herbie Hancock later beat them both out). It's unbearable, and his mother passing doesn't give him a Dickhead License. To quote our roommate, "All night I didn't want anyone to win, I just wanted him to lose."

After the jump, the best moment of last night's Grammys, when country singer Vince Gill responded to Kanye.

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Beyonce Knowles and Tina Turner took the Grammy stage last night to get funky and shoot menacing, icy glares at the awestruck audience. Rollin'!

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The celebs came out in droves for UMG's Grammy Celebration; among them was renowned musical genius Lindsay Lohan. Where was her Grammy? "Rumors" is still one of the most beautiful songs of all time. She spent the evening hanging out with the great influences of Hollywood at a venue that was sure to be alcohol- and drug-free.

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