If you have to ditch your loudmouth celebrity client whom you’ve represented through her messy divorce to a beloved pop icon because she’s just too freaking much, what’s the best way to do it?
By issuing one last press release on behalf of your client — about why you’re quitting.
That’s how Heather Mills’ rep Michele Elyzabeth (who also reps Christian Audigier) just did it. Buzzwords: “Impossible person,” “heated argment,” “I cannot take anymore.”
WE FORGOT THEY WERE STILL MARRIED “Madonna … is understood to be seeking legal advice on a possible divorce from her husband of seven years, the film director Guy Ritchie. [Fiona] Shackleton, 52, is the lawyer of choice for the rich and famous after what was regarded as the spectacularly well-handled split of Sir Paul [McCartney] from Heather Mills.”
• What awful, awful things happened to this man to make him want to live like this? [DListed]
• “Marc Jacobs = Andy Warhol” Um, no. [FS]
• Heather Mills is set to release a self-help book called Getting Healthy with Heather. Surprisingly, the book does not recommend marrying a music legend and then taking $50 million from him. [ICYDK]
• “10 Toys That Made You Gay” [CityRag]
• Britney Spears is still in Costa Rica with Mel Gibson, undoubtedly spending her days suntanning and learning of all the benefits of Catholicism. [HT]
• Best “Afternoon Aural” in a long time. [Queerty]
• Heather Mills will be a contestant on next season’s Celebrity Apprentice. Because a $50 million divorce settlement can’t buy a person the common sense to not be on a reality show. [DListed]
• When in Rome, film commercials you’d be embarrassed to film in America. [PS]
• “There was a definite shift in my life when I decided to [dye my hair red].” Amy Adams, an actress, actually said that. [INO]
• Ashton Kutcher says he is not opposed to adopting a child. We certainly hope adoption agencies are opposed to letting Ashton Kutcher adopt a child. [ICYDK]
• Teeny-tiny girls in high heels! Thanks, Beyonce, you maniac. [Yeeeah]
• Mickey Rourke has a posse. [CityRag]
Having just lost one of its most famous irritating blonds, Cameron Diaz, to Manhattan, perhaps Los Angeles believed its reputation as a mecca of blind fools was flagging. It would have been wrong, because here comes another miserable blond to fill Diaz’s Manolos:
Heather Mills is keen to start a new life in Los Angeles - despite overwhelming evidence that America is not keen on her. Heather, speaking after appearing as a judge at the Miss USA pageant in Las Vegas, said: “In England, people don’t like me. “But I’m going to move to America, Los Angeles hopefully. I love England but everything that has happened makes me realise I’ll be better off in the States.” Bizarrely, her comments came after she was booed and heckled by the Vegas crowd.
Because she knows she’s nothing but an urban Wiccan without the memory of her dead husband to give her street cred, Yoko Ono has again reminded the world that she used to be married to John Lennon, the best Beatle. This time it’s to stand up for vegan maniac Heather Mills, the woman recently awarded $50 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney.
… Ono, who is 75, said: “All I can say is it’s not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles.
“I think all the wives did suffer, and I think quietly suffer. Suffer but endured, I would actually say.”
She [said] that Heather needed to “do her very best and try to survive”.
Everyone, please, bow your heads now and pray that Heather Mills finds a way to “survive” with that paltry 50 million fucking dollars. And also pray that Yoko finally gets her wish to live on Jupiter with space frogs.
Above, a sketch artist’s rendering of Heather Mills, upon winning $50 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney, pouring a jug of water on McCartney’s solicitor, Fiona Shackleton. Note the Beatle’s apparent disinterest in the deluge.
After taking Paul McCartney to the cleaners to the tune of $50 million, Heather Mills, sore winner that she is, proceeded to throw a glass of water all over the music man’s coiffed solicitor, Fiona Shackleton. Nasty! But check out that British stiff upper lip on an unfazed Shackleton. The wet look suits her, no?
Vegan gold digger Heather Mills won $50 million today in her divorce from third-best Beatle Paul McCartney. $32 million of the settlement will be given to Mills in cash. “I am so, so happy,” she gushed outside the court, so, so unnecessarily.
• “The Most Anticipated Motion Picture of the Year” [DListed]
• There’s nothing wrong with looking like Ozzy. Just don’t snort ants like Ozzy. [CityRag]
• There’s a new bra from Victoria’s Secret called the BioFit Uplift, which, for the first time ever, makes us scared of breasts. [HT]
• Victoria Beckham is getting a new reality show on which she’ll dress people like her. Greaaaaaaaaat. [INO]
• Heather Mills‘ father says she’s “being greedy,” which is going to make Thanksgiving awkward.[ICYDK]
• Ashlee Simpson doesn’t even understand Ashlee Simpson’s music: “Uh, the best line in the song is, uh… you know… the, the, uh, ‘come over’ line…. uhderdalahlahmm… ahh, oh, like I’m desperate?… um… it’s pretty genius…it’s um… I’m not over it so come over… um…. pretty genius…” [Yeeeah]
Heather Mills and Paul McCartney continued to battle in court today over what Mills is owed following the couple’s cantankerous divorce. Reports have suggested Mills hopes to acquire 10 percent of the former Beatle’s fortune, estimated at over $1.5 billion. If Mills is successful, it will be the largest divorce settlement in British history, and everyone will hate her even more than they do already.
But standing between Mills and the fortune is McCartney’s assertion that he made very little money during the couple’s four-year marriage. And then there’s the tales of Mills’ infidelity. According to one alleged lover: “The former model had marathon sex sessions with film editor Tim Steel the night before joining the Beatles legend on a romantic Caribbean Valentine’s holiday…’Most of the time it was multiple orgasms. Heather has a very unusual erogenous zone-her stump. I used to massage one particular sensitive area of it and give her an orgasm!’” We would have paid $150 million to have not read that.
Keeping one’s idealism and sense of humor about them while being publicly mocked and upbraided is difficult to do. So whether or not you like Heather Mills, you’ve got to respect the fact that she’ll still show her cheap, gold digging face for causes a quarter of a percent of people care about.
Perhaps we spoke too soon when we called for more honesty and personal responsibility in the world of celebrity. Because, while we doubt her truthfulness, Heather Mills‘ new, so-French publicist, Michele Elyzabeth, has made it her responsibility to personally address Mills’ bad press in weekly video blogs.
They’re insane, basically because the woman fights reductionism with reductionism in a suspect accent while stroking a linty dog. At one point, Elyzabeth calls Joy Behar an “absolutely horrible human being,” before railing on The View and their Heather bashing. (”Like, who are they to have an opinion about what Heather should say or not say?” True!) Later, Elyzabeth has one word for anyone who would call her client’s demeanor difficult: “Wrong.” This woman is wondrous.
After the jump, meet David, a gay man well-versed in gesticulation who is there to support Mills and Elyzabeth.
CONTINUED »
What many thought were simply miscalculated television appearances by a frazzled Heather Mills were also, reportedly, ill-advised. Evidence of this came yesterday, when Mills’ legal team abruptly severed ties with the activist(?).
“She was warned against going on TV and talking about Paul, their marriage and anything about her daughter. But she just refused to listen. She was told time and again to keep quiet because she might hand Sir Paul’s lawyers an easy victory.
“But she is so crazy she decided she knew better than the best divorce lawyers in the country.
“It is total madness. Her bid to win public sympathy could end up with her throwing away millions.”
It is total madness, but the money has very little to do with it.
Remember when Barbara Walters – normally the Switzerland among the View militants – uncharacteristically railed on Heather Mills as much as a staid old woman can, calling her “not very nice”? Well, someone did some digging and discovered that Mills’ ex, Paul McCartney, has a new love interest, Nancy Shevell, who happens to be Walters’ second cousin! What little integrity, but a damn fine scoop, no?
Fashion designer and Beatle progeny Stella McCartney has reportedly found an industrious way to take a dig at her ex-stepmother, Heather Mills, while also making a buck: The first piece produced for the designer’s new jewelry line will be a necklace with a single leg charm. You’ll remember Mills has but one leg! Last week, Mills told Extra that Stella did “evil” things to her when she was married to Paul McCartney, though she has yet to define “evil.”
Today on The View, Barbara Walters recently offered her two wizened cents on the McCartney-Mills divorce. According to Walters: “This is not a very nice woman.” Damning!
Page Six reports that Heather Mills found $41 million proffered by ex-husband Paul McCartney an unreasonable divorce settlement. Despite the fact that the two were married for only four years, Mills feels that $102 million is her rightful take of McCartney’s estate, most of which was established decades before the two were wed.
When the duo called their four-year marriage quits last May, Mills allegedly sought more than $300 million of McCartney’s $1.6 billion empire. An $8 million Georgian mansion in London’s tony St. John Wood was reportedly high on her wish list. Now it appears Mills is willing to let it be for much less. If they don’t reach a settlement, there will be an answer after a trial set for February.
Sing it with me: All you need is love and a team of many, many lawyers who will keep you from getting taken to the cleaners when love tries to castrate you.
[Source]
Editor
