FIVE YEARS CAN'T SQUELCH TRUE LOVE! "A Manhattan judge has sentenced a former mental patient to three years of probation for stalking and harassing actress Uma Thurman. Jack Jordan of Gaithersburg, Md., will serve the probation in his home state, with the condition that he receive outpatient psychiatric treatment. … State Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro also imposed a five-year order of protection. If Jordan violates any of the court's terms, the judge says he'll be jailed."

Uma Thurman's stalker, Jack Jordan, was convicted this morning of wanting to be more than friends with the Kill Bill actress. The New York Times wants you to know Jordan graduated from the University of Chicago with a degree in literature, presumably because it thinks you should be shocked that a college graduate is soooooooo crazy.

Jordan could be sentenced to as much as a year and 90 days in prison, where he'll have plenty of free time to plot his revenge.