Guess what? Amy Winehouse was arrested. Take a minute and let your shock subside. Perhaps you should have a seat.

The troubled singer was taken into custody in London on suspicion of assault after voluntarily going to a police station for questioning. The incident of interest took place after a late night out, when Amy reportedly headbutted a guy who was trying to help her hail a cab outside a bar. And just in case we didn’t get the “I’m crazy” memo, she went on to punch a different man in the face.

Um, where are her parents? They can no longer use the excuse that Amy is an adult and they have no control over her health — Jamie Spears squashed that theory months ago.

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Sure, Britney Spears seems to be getting her life back on track. But would it kill Jamie to burn that tacky green tank top she’s been sporting every day as of late? We’re convinced she wears that more than those awful cowboy boots.

Also of note: She’s wearing a bra! Hooray!

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Does anyone remember Larry Rudolph? He is the manager responsible for the Britney Spears America fell in love with, and he also played a role in her 2007 trip to rehab. Brit, of course, shunned him — twice — because why trust a guy you’ve known for years when Sam Lutfi is around, alerting the paparazzi to your every move and pissing on your mother’s grave?

Here’s the good news: Jamie Spears has convinced Larry to give Brit another chance and take her under his wing. We’re not sure what Larry’s asking price was, but we’ll even pitch in a few bucks if he can turn the former Mrs. Federline back into America’s favorite Catholic schoolgirl. Because let’s face it: Nobody really cares if Britney’s mentally stable so long as she gets back to being the picture-perfect pop star of yesteryear.

Here’s hoping the third time’s a charm.

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A top photo agency head is claiming the paparazzi’s relationship with Britney Spears is weakening. “Over the weekend, there were less than a half dozen [photographers] covering Britney,” according to BuzzFoto founder Brad Elterman. “Yet there were 30 in the pack covering Miley Cyrus.” Elterman says the reason is because these Britney regulars want something “new and fresh,” which sounds a lot creepier considering Miley’s underage.

Seems the paps aren’t interested in normalcy, and instead are preparing for the next breakdown waiting to happen. So when Jamie Spears said he was going to get all the bad influences out of Brit’s life, he meant it.

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Jamie Spears is just like us: He doesn’t want to see a picture of Britney’s vajayjay ever again. And to make sure the world doesn’t suffer the same fate, he has taken drastic measures:

A source said: ‘Jamie makes sure to ask Britney if she has underwear on before she goes out.’ The singer’s assistant, Brett, also reportedly reminds the pop wreck to wear underwear and a bra.

The source added: ‘Britney tries to ignore their requests, but her dad is adamant and insists she change if she’s falling out of her top.’

So Jamie has left his job behind to be in charge of making sure his 26-year-old daughter is wearing underwear. We’re not sure whether to be creeped out or thankful.

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Steve-O, one of the Jackass crazies, has reportedly been placed on suicide watch at a mental health center after threatening to take his own life.

He was taken to the emergency room on Sunday afternoon. After drug tests, he was checked into the Thalians Mental Health Center — known for doing crisis intervention — where he was put on a 72-hour hold. That has since been extended to 14 days.

‘Steve is stabilized on meds at this point,’ the source told Star. ‘He was also treated for burns on his skin as if he had been putting cigarettes out on his own body.’

The situation escalated over the weekend when Steve-O, 33, e-mailed suicide notes to several friends, blaming a broken romance. … But he caused a major scene in the hospital, says one insider.

‘Steve started flipping out. He told doctors he wanted to hurt himself badly. He wanted to break every bone in his body one by one.’

A family member revealed that Steve-O suffers from bipolar disorder and is currently “in his extreme mania.”

Sounds like Steve needs some Jamie Spears in his life.

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Broadway has officially lost it. After offering roles in Chicago to Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, it only makes sense that Kevin Federline would be invited to join the cast of Legally Blonde in September.

The former backup dancer and aspiring hip-hop artist … will test his song-and-dance chops in a trio of roles — including the UPS guy who inspires the ‘bend and snap.’

‘This is his chance to show the world what he can do,’ says a pal.

And now that he has physical custody, sons Sean, 2, and Jayden, 18 months, might join him in the Big Apple. ‘This is his dream and he wants to bring the kids,” says the insider. “Jamie and Lynne [Spears] promised to help him make it work.’

The last things these kids need is to be on the other side of the country from their mother. Actually … that might not be such a bad idea. Let’s just hope he doesn’t attempt to rap.

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Britney Spears enjoyed a relatively quiet weekend, venturing out only to visit the dance studio and do a small amount of shopping. She also showed off two rings on her wedding finger, but we’re not too alarmed. Those aren’t Britney’s — they belong to the British girl and the pink wig lady, who are both married. Nothing to see here.

And while we applaud Jamie Spears for managing to keep his daughter under control, we would be even more grateful if he could teach her the art of gracefully getting in and out of vehicles.

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NO MORE PINK WIG “Britney Spears‘ conservatorship has been extended through July 31, 2008. The order, issued by the court commissioner [Wednesday], is effectively a seal of approval for Brit’s dad, Jamie. … Sources say the conservators are open to ending the conservatorship earlier than July 31 if Britney’s mental state sufficiently improves and stabilizes.”

Despite his latest restraining order (that makes four), Sam Lutfi refuses to go away. This time he’s insisting that Britney Spears wants him back in her life and her father, Jamie Spears, is a bad influence. Because anyone with eyes can see that.

A hearing to overturn the restraining order is scheduled for March 17, where Sam will claim Britney fears her life is being taken over.

Sam told a friend, “I am going to call Britney to the stand so she can tell the world how I was helping her. I am innocent. I am Britney’s friend and would never hurt her.”

And how is Sam so confident that Britney will do this for him? He’s secretly contacted her through a third party. Naturally.

Another source insists that Britney is “fit enough to make her own decisions but is overruled by her father.” Uh, no. We saw what happened when Britney was fit enough to make her own decisions. We were treated to the pink wig and ripped fishnets.

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Good news for Jamie Spears: Britney has reportedly dumped paparazzi hanger-on Adnan Ghalib after finding “saucy” text messages from other girls on his phone. Took you long enough, B.

There were about a dozen [text messages] from one girl, all sent on one day. They were pretty saucy stuff with sexual references — certainly not the sort you’d send to just a friend. Britney lost it and started yelling.

Just before she told Adnan to go, she took the phone and threw it in the pool right in front of him. He didn’t even bother trying to get it out of the water.

Instead of tucking his landing strip between his legs and riding off into the sunset, Adnan has resorted to trying to win Britney back with romantical love notes:

Britney,
Bebe I really miss you, lots, and lots and lots. Can’t wait til you come home to a milky bowl of soup. Love you always.
Adnan

We don’t even want to know what “milky bowl of soup” he is referring to.

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The day isn’t complete without a Spears family update, so here’s the latest: Britney was allowed to see her kids — twice — and all parties survived. Oh, and Jamie Lynn is done with high school. But back to Brit:

‘It went very well,’ a source close to the pop star tells OK! about this second visit. ‘The boys are really happy to see their mom.’

Even those who you’d expect to be most skeptical about the visits, like Mark Vincent Kaplan, lawyer for Brit’s ex-husband Kevin Federline, seemed upbeat on Monday. ‘These visitations with the boys will help to normalize the family environment,’ Kaplan told OK!. ‘Kevin has always been rooting for Britney to regain visitation … and if these visits go well, they will ramp up over time.’

Britney was also spotted attending church Sunday morning with dad Jamie Spears. Hallelujah!

In news that nobody cares about, little sister Jamie Lynn passed her GED exam. Her family would have thrown her some sort of congratulatory party, but they were all busy making sure Britney didn’t eat her children.

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Are we delusional or does Britney Spears actually look good in these pictures? It’s the first time in forever that we haven’t felt the urge to shower after looking at photos of Brit. Our favorite trainwreck had a quiet weekend, only venturing out to enjoy a fancy dinner with dad Jamie. Why wasn’t Road Kill Willie invited?

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Britney Spears‘ family has done an impressive job so far of keeping her away from the likes of Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib. They’ve also succeeded at coming across as sympathetic in the media, although we might argue that they haven’t exactly been world-class parents in the past.

And now they’re reverting back to milking the cash cow:

The buzz at the Grammys was that Spears’ newfound focus on her dancing is preparation for a world tour. Britney ‘will be leaving the country in the next few weeks,’ a source confided to Page Six. ‘She’ll train in privacy for a month, then go on a global tour.’

Yes, fabulous. Because what better way to cure Brit than to put her back in the environment that ruined her in the first place?

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All the Britney Spears news so far today seems positive. We would proclaim this a miracle, but the day is far from over.

First off, she has a new bodyguard who seems semi-effective. The ex-Israeli Army soldier, hired by Jamie and Lynn Spears, was once employed by Lindsay Lohan. Apparently this new guy has a reputation among the paps for being ruthless and keeping his clients safe “at all costs.” Here’s hoping he can handle Sam Lutfi.

Other good news: She’s getting rid of that awful weave. Brit called up a celebrity hairstylist to help her achieve a “longer and sexy” hairstyle. The stylist informed her to put the wigs away: “This is crazy. You don’t want to be crazy.” We like this guy already.

Meanwhile, there are rumors that the LAPD may press charges against Sam “Piss On Your Grave” Lutfi because of his claims he drugged and manipulated Brit. Sounds like a great idea, so you can be sure that probably won’t be happening.

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In the restraining order Britney Spears‘ family filed against Sam Lutfi there are some pretty amazing allegations. We couldn’t make this stuff up:

According to the document, ‘[Lutfi] has cut Britney’s home phone line and removed her cell phone chargers. He yells at her. He claims to control everything.’

According to a declaration filed by Lynne Spears, on January 28, Lynne and Jamie arrived for an intervention — ‘Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan, her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids, and that she does not deserve the kids.’

At one point, Britney ‘picked up a bottle of pills and read part of the label and asked us, “What does insomnia mean?” Sam told her that the pills will help her stay awake.’ Lynne continues, ‘Sam told Jackie and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills, which were on the counter and included Risperdal (an anti-psychotic drug for schizophrenia and bipolarity) and Seroquel.’ The docs continue, ‘He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced coma so that they could then give her drugs to heal her brain.’

Lynne claims before leaving for the drug store that night, Sam gave her drugs upstairs ‘to make her more light-hearted, happy, and fun.’

During a dispute later that night, Sam allegedly said, ‘If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.’

This guy talks about pissing on graves more than we thought humanly possible. It’s amazing he has time to terrorize Britney when it sounds like he spends lots of hours lurking around cemeteries.

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Here’s surprising news: Sam Lutfi, who has creeped his way into Britney Spears‘ life, is continuing his takeover by painting her parents in a bad light.

When Sam was asked how he and Lynne Spears were getting along following Britney’s second hospitalization, he sounded off, saying he does not think Lynne cares about Britney.

‘No. Her mother is not someone who cares about her daughter, she’s only concerned with herself. Sad but true. She was too busy getting a manicure to come over yesterday, despite her daughters (sic) pleas. Sad, very sad,’ Sam wrote to Access [Hollywood] in a text message.

Granted, Jamie and Lynne Spears haven’t exactly been parents of the year, but this is coming from a guy who accused them of being jealous of him. Which is a solid point — he has so many desirable traits, like the multiple restraining orders against him, one can’t help but be a little envious.

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Surprise: There was Britney Spears drama last night. We’re kind of overwhelmed by it all, but here’s what happened in a nutshell: Britney and Sam Lutfi got in a fight, causing her to cry outside her house and call Adnan Ghalib to rescue her. Sam wouldn’t allow Adnan inside the gates and turned off Britney’s phones. Sam sent a text to Adnan saying he was a bad influence and would end up killing Britney (pot, meet kettle). Brit finally escaped with another paparazzi friend and drove around for a bit. Adnan blocked traffic along Sunset Boulevard, wooed Britney into his car, and left the other paparazzi guy in Brit’s car in the middle of the street. Adnan and Brit got a flat tire, but managed to make it back to her house. During all this hooplah, Lynne Spears showed up and later accompanied Brit and Sam to a drug store.

We’re out of breath.

Luckily, the paps were there to catch everything on film, in case you’re confused. Our favorite part of the video, hands down, is when a tabloid reporter tries talking to Britney’s dad; when Jamie Spears doesn’t answer, the reporter tries to get him to talk by assuring he’s “from In Touch.” Jamie is having none of it. We always knew he was the brains of the family.

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