A year after Britney Spears' infamous OK! magazine interview that wasn't, the singer returned to show off her newly acquired basic social skills. Among the self-aware realizations include her desire to keep her kids out of Hollywood: "I'd just as soon they have a more normal childhood," Brit says, scoring points for mothering skills and the ability to form a coherent sentence.

Her father, Jamie, also spoke to the mag, presumably because that's the only way he got a piece of the paycheck:

Kevin [Federline] is all for everything. He wants her to have 50/50 custody. He wants them to raise these kids together. Kevin’s heart is right.

[My relationship with Britney] is new for both of us. She sometimes calls me 50 times a day and asks me things that light my life up. But like all daughters, she is very manipulative and cunning. So she gets what she wants a lot.

Alright Jamie, we'll give you a pass for the Kevin comment because we, too, reached a point where K-Fed seemed like Father of the Year. But you should probably stop talking to the media and get back to work — Brit still has a long way to go.

Uh oh! Just one day after we were called "assy" for daring to suggest that Britney Spears should focus her energy on things other than making a new pop album, the perennially hysterical singer has lost a long-standing custody dispute with her ex-husband, self-styled pimp Kevin Federline (of the Fresno Federlines). Under the ruling, Federline will retain sole legal and physical custody of the couple's two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Spears will continue to be allowed twice a week visitation and once a week monitored overnights.

Sad, but don't feel too bad for Britney, she can use the emotions this decision will inevitably yield to liven up her new record. We can see the hits now: "My Kids Aren't Coming Home Tonight (So Stay a While Longer)" and "I Just Wanna Dance and Forget About Motherfuckin' Family Court. Shit! Goddammit!"

UM, WHO WERE THE OTHER NOMINEES? "Kevin Federline is the new father of the year! Just in time for Father's Day, Prive Las Vegas will award the proud papa of four his 'father of the year' status at a party he is slated to host there June 13."

Kevin Federline, America's scapegoat, assured us again on Tuesday that each one of his many children is destined for the very heights of addiction. This time, Federline lost five-year-old daughter Kori at Disneyland.

Sources told HollyWire that the child, wearing a bright yellow Belle Costume, was left roaming alone near the Finding Nemo ride. When an employee asked her where her parents were, she said she didn’t know.

She was then asked the standard who-what-when-where questions:

Disney employee: What’s your name?

5 year old daughter of K-fed: Kori

Employee: How old are you?

Kori: 5

Employee: What’s your parent’s name?

Kori: Kevin
…
Little did the employee know that “Kevin” meant Kevin Federline! About ten to fifteen minutes after the employee found the lost little Kori, a frantic nanny spotted her and came running over.

Kori went missing despite the fact that Federline, two nannies, two Disnelyand ushers and a bodyguard were present and attempting to keep an eye on the children.

CariDee English, the seventh season winner of America's Next Top Model, first exercised her bad judgment when auditioning for the Tyra Banks-created reality show. Then she admitted to dating a guy who stole $10,000 of her money to spend in Vegas (we never knew she and Kevin Federline were an item).

But the latest bit of idiocy came last night when CariDee announced that she is currently dating fellow model (and ginormous tool) Tyson Beckford. Um, Cari? Perhaps you should get back with that K-Fed-esque guy.

[Source]

BABY STEPS "Britney Spears has gained more visitation of her two young sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James — though how much more is unclear. [Kevin Federline]'s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, said after the court hearing today that he wouldn't talk about the custodial timeshare between Brit and K-Fed — except to say that it is 'more than it has been.'"

You can be sure it's a huge day in the TMZ newsroom: Britney and K-Fed are back in court today for their child custody hearing. And Brit even showed up, looking like she had bathed and put some effort into her clothing (no grease stains!). It's a huge turnaround after the last time she attempted to go to court with Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib in tow; one thing that hasn't changed, however, is good ol' TMZ, who is streaming live outside the courthouse. It's fascinating, if you like staring at a horde of desperate photographers and random cars.

It seems nobody learned anything from Chaotic, the reality show in which Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were allowed to use a video camera and tape themselves.

Britney is threatening to release her video diaries, which chronicle her problems over the past six months.

The "Toxic" star is reportedly planning to release them online — or on MTV.

As well as rants about her mom, dad, sister Jamie Lynn, and friends, the singer, 26, reveals intimate information about her ex, Justin Timberlake, and her rivalry with Christina Aguilera.

Sources are afraid the tapes will be "explosive" … because people are going to believe every word that comes out of a headcase's mouth? Someone is giving Brit too much credit.

[Source]

Does anyone remember Larry Rudolph? He is the manager responsible for the Britney Spears America fell in love with, and he also played a role in her 2007 trip to rehab. Brit, of course, shunned him — twice — because why trust a guy you've known for years when Sam Lutfi is around, alerting the paparazzi to your every move and pissing on your mother's grave?

Here's the good news: Jamie Spears has convinced Larry to give Brit another chance and take her under his wing. We're not sure what Larry's asking price was, but we'll even pitch in a few bucks if he can turn the former Mrs. Federline back into America's favorite Catholic schoolgirl. Because let's face it: Nobody really cares if Britney's mentally stable so long as she gets back to being the picture-perfect pop star of yesteryear.

Here's hoping the third time's a charm.

[Source]

Kevin Federline celebrated his 30th birthday this weekend in Las Vegas and was booed off the stage at his own party. We're more interested in finding out who was watching the kids, because it sure as hell wasn't Britney — and at this point, they're probably better off with a monkey.

• Not all overzealous Christians vote Republican. [YouTube]

• The world's still not fair: Kevin Federline is being paid $175,000 just for having his party at a particular place in Vegas. Poop. [DListed]

• Clooney puts his money where his mouth is. Specifically, Darfur. His mouth and money are in Darfur. [PS]

• Does Audrina Patridge even like Audrina Patridge? [INO]

• Remember when this chick was Clarissa and she explained it all? Now she's a mother of two. [ICYDK]

• There's a lad mag out of France called Maximal. Sound familiar? One can't trademark chauvinism. [HT]

• "Cartoon-alikes" [CityRag]

• Babies with baby weight. How depressing. [Yeeeah]

Broadway has officially lost it. After offering roles in Chicago to Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, it only makes sense that Kevin Federline would be invited to join the cast of Legally Blonde in September.

The former backup dancer and aspiring hip-hop artist … will test his song-and-dance chops in a trio of roles — including the UPS guy who inspires the 'bend and snap.'

'This is his chance to show the world what he can do,' says a pal.

And now that he has physical custody, sons Sean, 2, and Jayden, 18 months, might join him in the Big Apple. 'This is his dream and he wants to bring the kids,” says the insider. “Jamie and Lynne [Spears] promised to help him make it work.'

The last things these kids need is to be on the other side of the country from their mother. Actually … that might not be such a bad idea. Let's just hope he doesn't attempt to rap.

[Source]

Although it seemed like a good idea to allow Britney Spears visitation with her children, the kids don't seem to be coping with the arrangement as well as hoped.

Sean Preston has been sleeping in the same room as father Kevin Federline lately because he’s been having nightmares.

According to insiders, Preston, 2, also cried for his dad at first when Britney picked them up, but Kevin soothed him and he settled down.

Britney has her own way of trying to soothe her sons. 'Britney always sings to them. She loves lullabies.'

The boys are said to be confused when it comes to their mom.

Welcome to the club, boys.

[Source]

The day isn't complete without a Spears family update, so here's the latest: Britney was allowed to see her kids — twice — and all parties survived. Oh, and Jamie Lynn is done with high school. But back to Brit:

'It went very well,' a source close to the pop star tells OK! about this second visit. 'The boys are really happy to see their mom.'

Even those who you'd expect to be most skeptical about the visits, like Mark Vincent Kaplan, lawyer for Brit's ex-husband Kevin Federline, seemed upbeat on Monday. 'These visitations with the boys will help to normalize the family environment,' Kaplan told OK!. 'Kevin has always been rooting for Britney to regain visitation … and if these visits go well, they will ramp up over time.'

Britney was also spotted attending church Sunday morning with dad Jamie Spears. Hallelujah!

In news that nobody cares about, little sister Jamie Lynn passed her GED exam. Her family would have thrown her some sort of congratulatory party, but they were all busy making sure Britney didn't eat her children.

[Source]

No, this picture isn't from an episode of Cheaters. The creepy paparazzi snapped this yesterday while Britney Spears got her hair fixed in LA by Kim Vo. Again?! Was he re-greasing her bald spot?

Hair issues aside, Brit had a rough day yesterday: Although she got herself a new lawyer, things stayed the same in her custody hearing.

Although K-Fed and his lawyers claimed to want Britney to see the kids, both sides couldn't reach an agreement. So things will stay the way they are for awhile.

Those kids don't need to see Britney yet. Not until Ken Paves can get rid of that rodent on top of her head — it's scaring us. There's no telling what kind of traumatic effect it could have on her babies. They already have to deal with K-Fed's faux-hawk.

[Source]

Friday was the anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith's death, and her hangers-on are still finding ways to sell her out. It's like looking into the future, except instead of Larry Birkhead it's Kevin Federline, and instead of Howard K. Stern it's Sam Lutfi.

Anna's former bodyguard, Big Moe, is the latest to give his story and share new "shocking" details, like the fact that Larry Birkhead is probably gay. Duh.

'Because of how Larry looked, she figured, oh my child would look great,' Big Moe told Access Hollywood's Tony Potts. 'Blonde hair, blue eyes, you know, "Go great with me and my baby will come out beautiful."'

'So basically, from what she told you and what you’re telling me is that Anna looked at Larry as a sperm donor to get a really beautiful child?' Tony asked.

'That's it,' Big Moe said.

Big Moe also claims Anna told him that due to his 'lifestyle' there would be no strings attached.

'What's his lifestyle?' Tony asked.

'Well, she told me that, you know, he was a homosexual,' Big Moe said. 'She knew deep down that he didn't want to be with her.'

Look, we're not doubting that Larry plays for the other team, but just because a guy didn't want to touch Anna Nicole with a 10-foot pole doesn't mean he's gay.

[Source]

NO MOTHER FOR YOUNG BOYS "A court commissioner decided Monday to keep in effect an order suspending Britney Spears' right to visit her two sons and keeping them in the custody of ex-husband Kevin Federline…Gordon scheduled another hearing for Feb. 19."

In an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, Mollygood looks to poetry with Someone Haiku. Each day – using 17 syllables or less – you’re given the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that’s washed up on the shores of Mollygood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that’s devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.

Today's Someone Haiku winner is Betty Ford:

Snoop only thanks God
When the weed is strong enough:
Then bullshit tastes gooooooood.

Excellent job.

New one down here.

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