We feel kind of gross even commenting on this story, but here it is: The newest Hollywood romance involves two 9-year-olds who are likely flirting in the sandbox as we type.

Forget Brangelina. There's a new couple poised to take Hollywood by storm…and they have a combined age of 18!

Kate Beckinsale has reportedly given her 9-year-old daughter Lily permission to 'date' Brooklyn Beckham — the son of Posh Spice and soccer star David Beckham.

Any hopes of these kids having a normal childhood just went right out the window with that story, seeing as how Life & Style staffers are already working on next week's cover: "Beckhamsale: Brooklyn Won't Commit! Lily Walks Out After Finding Text Messages From Other Women!"

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Happy birthday to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt — may you have many more years full of tabloid covers and paparazzi stalkers.

In the winner's corner: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer dominated the tabloids this week, with most publications declaring them the hot new couple. There's not much to be negative about, except for the fact that any relationship involving Jen is doomed to fail.

In the loser's corner: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are competing to see who can make it to the altar first, because isn't that what romance is all about? We can't decide who's the bigger loser in this situation — the Simpsons or their poor significant others.

Also this week: Britney continues to get her act together, Lindsay gets mixed reviews and Angelina is possibly getting married. But don't hold your breath.

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We're switching things up a bit this week: Instead of simply summing up the tabloids, we're presenting the week's winners and losers in the eyes of the magazines. Which publications favor which celebrities? And does the relationship change from week to week?

This time around, Britney seems to have won back the love of the tabs, because not a single bad story was written about her. The mags are split on Lindsay — some say she's in a happy and stable lesbian relationship; others declare that she is off the wagon (again).

And congrats are in order to the biggest loser of the week, Jessica Simpson, who is apparently pathetic and in danger of losing boyfriend Tony Romo. When even the tabloids are pitying you, you know there's a problem.

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In Touch picked up on sister mag Life & Style's Suri Cruise obsession this week with stalker photos and insider details surrounding the tot's birthday party.

Tom Cruise reportedly spent $100,000 on the extravaganza, which is so ridiculous we don't even need to say anything about it. The cost included $17,000 for fresh flowers, $45,000 on catering and $5,000 for cakes. But these weren't just any pastries: Each guest received a personalized cake and Suri was treated to a four-tier cake covered in buttercream frosting, bumblebees and butterflies. Oh, and Katie received $230 worth of Sprinkles cupcakes. Who knew she ate?

The celebration continued into the evening when Tom and Katie invited their own friends — including Eva Longoria Parker, David and Victoria Beckham, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy — to a private bash. Because we're sure that was on Suri's wishlist.

It's a good thing they pulled out all the stops for this milestone birthday, seeing as how Suri likely had already forgotten about it by breakfast.

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Another slow week in Hollywood has resulted in covers featuring the tabloids' dependable standbys: Britney, Angelina and the Cruise family. Mariah also joins the list of covergirls to flaunt her "new" body — which she has had off and on for her entire life.

There's also the coverage of the Ashlee Simpson maybe-pregnancy, but big sister Jessica gets most of the attention. She must have pissed off all the magazine editors this week, because she is called out for not only being jealous of her sister's happiness but also for drinking heavily. Yikes.

Also this week: Paris wants to get married, Miley Cyrus wants to become an author and Heidi Montag wants butt implants. We're keeping our fingers crossed none of that works out.

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Judging from this week's tabloid covers, it was an uneventful week in Hollywood, besides the fact that Jay-Z and Beyonce got married in an anticlimactic top secret ceremony. Luckily, for all five of you who care, Us Weekly has the mundane details.

Britney only made one cover this week, which must mean her road to recovery has been going smoothly over the last seven days. But not so fast! In Touch swears the trainwreck is having a relapse, complete with bloody scalps and bald spots. Yum.

Also this week: Us finds yet another angle to the presidential race, some stars lost baby weight and Kim Kardashian continues to whore out her "exclusives" for the spotlight.

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In case you haven't heard, there is a war going on, and it's not in Iraq — it's waging between Perez Hilton and John Mayer. Perez accused John in this week's Life & Style and In Touch of making out with him in 2006. Yeah, he's just now bringing this up. Perez says he decided to spill the beans now because John has been saying mean things about him on his blog — which would normally serve as reason to be upset, except it's Perez Hilton.

John retaliated in an XM radio interview by correctly pointing out that Perez doesn't actually hate celebrities — he wants to be one. It's pretty obvious John isn't that bothered by Perez, and that should have been the end of the saga.

Except it's not. Now Us Weekly is promising a video showing Perez taking a lie detector test with an examiner from the worst television show in the world, Moment of Truth. Nobody really cares at this point whether or not it's true; the entertainment comes from watching Perez desperately try to stay in the limelight.

The tabloids had a good variety of stories this week, with one Angelina and three Britney covers. Life & Style was the only magazine to get desperate with the typical "celebrities starve themselves to get skinny" cover story. Trailblazers, those L&S staffers.

There is, as usual, a plethora of Spears stories covering Brit's mental illness and recent weight loss. OK! proclaims that she's back to her old body, and judging by the cover, she is — because it's an old photograph from 2003.

Also this week: Lindsay realizes she looks old, Perez Hilton needs attention and Jason Wahler stars in yet another reality show. Count us out.

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Britney Spears' successful TV guest appearance earned her a feature in all five tabs this week, and only Star made up a scandalous story to sell more magazines. Congrats, Brit — we missed you.

You know who else is a tabloid winner this week? Brit's ex, Kevin Federline. The father of the year shows up in practically every mag this week due to his 30th birthday disaster and a special "Look, I'm a good guy!" exclusive.

Also this week: Heidi continues her Us Weekly "exclusive" reign, Katie' eating disorder finally catches up to her and OK! tries to be like Life & Style. Don't ask us why.

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Ashton Kutcher's new show, Pop Fiction, was created to turn the tables on the tabloids, but magazine editors aren't buying it. Apparently Life & Style stalkers staffers are so observant they can spot Ashton's shenanigans right away, so — unless Britney turns out to have been sane this whole time — the joke has fallen flat.

It's mostly a lot of D-listers we don't care about. [We] wouldn't cover anyone on that show — with the exception of Avril. This show won't go anywhere. No one is watching it.

In Hollywood, anytime anyone decides to be in on the joke and critique themselves, no one cares. It's not having the effect they thought it would. No one can sympathize with celebs. They're always in on it themselves, whether they're pulling the joke or not.

We're not surprised by this development, but nobody is believing that the mags don't care about anyone except Avril, seeing as how Paris and Eva have graced many a cover. Don't act like you're above them, tabs. No one's buying it.

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The Hills is returning next Monday, and the tabloids all got in on the reality show gossip this week — Lauren pulls a Heidi and gives Us Weekly an exclusive interview about how she was betrayed, and Audrina whores herself out to two magazines, attempting to get her own clothing line and insisting she doesn't want a boyfriend.

Life & Style continues to creep us out with their Baby Suri obsession. We're just waiting for an arrest to be made — or for an L&S staffer to appear on Dateline's To Catch a Predator.

Also this week: Jen scores two covers, Brangelina's clan is becoming the Brady Bunch and Adnan sends annoying text messages. Sounds fun, right?

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The tabloids were desperate this week, resorting to Brangelina lies and "Stars Without Makeup!" cover stories. Somehow, Ashlee Simpson's nosejob became relevant again, earning her the front page of Us Weekly. Congrats?

Everyone is still grasping at straws when it comes to Britney — this time she's about to declare bankruptcy and she hates her new life. Not outrageous enough, if you ask us.

Also this week: Lindsay makes excuses, Matthew McConaughey is gross and Heidi Montag gives an exclusive Lauren-bashing. Actually, none of that is particularly new.

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It's been a slow news week for Hollywood, which means Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back to gracing the cover of Us Weekly and Brangelina are having problems again. It's the same song and dance, really.

Life & Style staffers continue to creep us out this week with their detailed floor plan of the Cruise family's new mansion and daily schedule of Tom, Katie and Suri. Is someone going to alert the police, or should we? Someone's bound to be doing something illegal.

Also this week: Prince Harry poops in the sand, Baby Shiloh has diaper rash and Marie Osmond is making up child abuse allegations. We miss Crazy Britney.

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We'll admit it: We miss Crazy Britney. Not that we don't want her to get better and have a huge comeback — we do. But this in-between stage is really boring, and we're not sure how to handle it. The tabloids are obviously feeling our pain, as they choose to either ignore her or report ridiculously over-the-top stories about how she's carrying a paparazzi fetus. Go easy on the mags; they're still learning how to cope.

In other news, babies are everywhere — from Brit and Brangelina to Kate Hudson and Katie Holmes. And, as you may have heard, J.Lo delivered her twins recently. As you can imagine, she was a complete sweetheart during the delivery process.

Also this week: Speidi keeps popping up, Kirsten sets a rehab deadline and Barack tries to snag the highly-coveted tabloid vote.

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Thanks to Jamie Spears finally controlling his daughter, the tabloids are fairly boring this week. And speaking of Brit, nobody can decide whether she's happy and getting her life back or she's living the life of a prisoner. We don't really care, as long as she isn't around any children — oh, she's teaching dance classes to kids? Fabulous.

Little sister Jamie Lynn is trying to keep up with Brit, this time whoring herself around and involving Lil' Romeo in a baby-daddy whodunnit. Pretty good, JL, but are you making your babies cry?

Also this week: Jessica plans to make her Dallas Cowboys curse permanent with marriage plans, Suri has a traumatic no-fast food upbringing and some idiots are paying $1,000 to inject botox in their armpits. Sign us up!

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The tabloids are finally getting over Heath Ledger's death, and it's about time, because at this point they're just grasping at straws. Most of the magazines have reverted back to their old habits: covering Brangelina. We want to stab our eyes out every time we are forced to read a "Jen's jealous!" cover story.

Perhaps Britney's stint at the psych ward did some good, because she managed to only land two covers this week. Of course, she brought enough crazy for all five magazines with her declarations of marriage and the fact that she really doesn't want her kids back. Good for her kids.

And famewhores Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are at it again, giving two completely different stories to both Us Weekly and Life & Style. Could it be they're not being honest with someone? Could it be they've never been honest in their lives? We don't care that much anymore, but obviously the tabs do.

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Britney's locked away in the psych ward this week, but that doesn't mean she's disappeared. She ends up in every single magazine with the exact same story: Brit's crazy. We didn't need to pay $3.99 to figure that out.

Mary-Kate Olsen is experiencing the Heath Ledger backlash, with Star going so far as to devote a four-page spread on how she and her twin sister are awful midgets. Or something like that.

And Life & Style continues on its solo mission to kidnap Baby Shiloh. This week, the mag reported that Shiloh has a stalker. It forgot to mention that said stalker is in fact Life & Style.

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