• Most of the time Paris gets pulled over, it’s because the cops want to hit on her (no, seriously, she’s saying this shit). [Yeeeah]
• Speaking of which, BWE takes you through the Paris case mistake by mistake. Clearly, not her fault. [BWE]
• Did you know Jessica Simpson has big boobs? [HT]
• What’s that shirt still doing on, pal? [ICYDK]
• Goofball David Arquette likes weed? Next thing people will be saying Lohan likes coke. [CityRag]
• The New York Times delving in to the lives of affluent New Yorkers! What a rare delight! [NYT]
Leave it to the NY Times to take the mystery that is celebrity nuptial agreements and boil it down to a mathematical equation. An equation that makes my head at to look at since I haven’t done math other than working out tips since 2001, but math nonetheless. (Don’t even get me started on the graphic to the side here. I had to stare at that for hours to figure it out, and it still makes little sense. I’m an idiot.) You know, since we needed an equation to tell us that most famous people relationships don’t work out. To create this masterpiece, John Tierney of the Times writes:
I went to Garth Sundem, the wickedly ingenious author of ???Geek Logik,??? a new book of mathematical formulas for deciding questions like whether you should sleep with a co-worker, whether you should join a gym or see a therapist, and whether you can wear a Speedo without frightening small children.
I asked Sundem to set his sights even higher. The result of our labors (well, mostly his labors, but I want a piece of this scientific breakthrough) is the Sundem/Tierney Unified Celebrity Theory, an equation for predicting the odds that a celebrity marriage will last.
By comparing the many failed marriages with the few successes (like Johnny Cash and June Carter, or Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward), Sundem identified telltale factors likes celebrities??? ages, marital track records and levels of fame.
Younger couples have worse prospects than older couples do, particularly if they rush to the altar before getting to know each other. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have only a 1 percent chance of making it to their fifth anniversary, according to our equation, and the most famously impetuous young couple of all, Romeo and Juliet, would have had zero chance of lasting five years.
Fame, as measured by Google hits, is no good for a marriage. The odds get even worse when the woman???s Google hits outnumber the man???s, as when Jennifer Lopez fell for a waiter named Ojani Noa. Our equation gave their marriage less than 1 percent chance of surviving five years; it actually lasted 13 months.
A crucial predictor is the sex-symbol factor, determined by looking at the woman???s first five Google hits and counting how many show her in sexy attire (or no attire). The skimpier the outfits, the skimpier the marriage, as illustrated in the short unions of Jessica Simpson (three years to Nick) and Marilyn Monroe (274 days to Joe DiMaggio).
(Sorry for the long quote, but the article is TimesSelect, so you must subscribe.)
The article goes on to doom Brad and Angelina based on this “sex-symbol factor” and Tom and Katie for, well, everything. Thank god, though, that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith will make it, cause I was totally worried about those crazy kids.
Halle Berry spent some time shopping at a fancy paper store here in New York yesterday. She appears to have purchased herself some journals, I assume with which to remind herself of her steadfast pledge to never marry again. The Scoop quotes Halle:
Halle Berry wants to have a child ??? but after her unhappy split from her last husband, she has no intention of getting married.
The ???X-Men??? star, who turns 40 in August, has been telling interviewers that she is planning to adopt or conceive a child soon.
???I no longer have the need to be someone???s wife,??? Berry told the Canadian News Service. ???And, I no longer have the need to feel validated through marriage.???
That’s right, Halle! Say it loud and say if proud. You don’t need a man to make you feel good about yourself. All you need is your trusty journal to confide in! And if you write “I don’t want another husband. I don’t want another husband” 1000 times in a row, it’s sure to become true. If you do change your mind though, Hal, that small man gawking at you in the picture on the side seems pre-ty, pre-ty into you.