• Some classy lady found herself desperate enough to marry Corey Haim. [DListed]
• Michael Jackson doesn't need a costume for Halloween. [INO]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson take the subway. They're still not at all like us. [PS]
• These photos of Rachel Bilson and her dog are so cute they may be able to end the war in Iraq. [HT]
• Mariah Carey is a beauty school dropout. That explains a lot. [ICYDK]
• Angelina Jolie may be jealous of Diane Kruger, Brad Pitt's newest co-star. Because that makes sense. [Yeeeah]
THEY WANT YOU BACK "The Jackson 5 will reunite in 2009, eldest brother Jermaine Jackson confirmed Wednesday at a TV industry function. 'This has been a long time coming for the Jackson family to get back together,' he told the Australian Associated Press. … 'It is going to be more like a family affair, Janet's going to open and, of course, the original Jackson 5 … Michael, Randy and the whole family.'"
• Hilary Duff's new music video: "It's like a cutesy chipmunk, putting on lingerie and trying to sex you with their eyes." [DListed]
• Guy Ritchie wants custody of the children he has with Madonna. Will he let them eat sugar and wheat? [Yeeeah]
• Heidi Klum's new "Got Milk?" ad is actually pretty adorable. She can do no wrong. [HT]
• Only in NYC: Tomorrow morning Michael Jackson fans who have entirely too much time on their hands will attempt to break the world record for the most people doing the "Thriller" dance at once. [INO]
• Jessica Simpson is still trying way too hard. [PS]
• Tara Reid clears up a common misconception: "I'm not perfect." [ICYDK]
• Britney Spears takes her kids to the pumpkin patch; everyone survives. [PS]
• Paris Hilton is flying into space and fears she may never come back. We don't see a problem with that. [INO]
• Michael Jackson emerges from his cave to frighten the citizens of LA. [DListed]
• Katie Holmes has two different sets of teeth. [Yeeeah]
• Everyone's talking about it, but we still have no idea why: Suri Cruise got a haircut. [ICYDK]
• Hayden Panettiere wears men's boxers, which is the most exciting thing she's done in a long time. [HT]
[Source]
The unstable and Peter Pan-like Michael Jackson has once again put himself in a suspicious position, this time moving into a Las Vegas mansion across the street from an elementary school for children 13 and younger. We couldn't make this stuff up.
Casino owner Steve Wynn reportedly put Michael up in attempts to persuade the singer to appear in a Vegas comeback show. Regardless of who selected this property, did nobody think for one second that this might look bad for someone previously accused of child molestation? Nobody?
Most of the parents are concerned, claiming "he can see the kids getting on the school bus from his house." We'd be more concerned about the children actually wandering over to his Neverland-type setup like moths to a flame, but to each his own.
[Source]
In light of Maureen McCormick's latest attempt to stay relevant (in which she admitted to abusing drugs, dating Michael Jackson and having a fling with her on-screen brother), we got to thinking: Just how wholesome and pure was The Brady Bunch, after all? While most of the cast members went on to embrace the newfound fame thanks to the show, nobody truly lived up to the Brady name when all was said and done.
So perhaps growing up in a feel-good group like the Bradys isn't exactly the best idea for your physical and emotional health. After the jump: A real look into the lives of one of America's favorite families.
• Why this Big Mac addict isn't dead yet is beyond us. [DListed]
• Lindsay Lohan says what we're all thinking about father Michael: "We've gone through enough with him. Enough is enough — until he decides to be a grown-up." [PS]
• Amy Winehouse trashed a hotel room and had to be wrapped up in a duvet so her handlers could carry her out. Good for you, Amy! [Yeeeah]
• Are we going crazy or does Aubrey O'Day look less like a drag queen than usual? [INO]
• Will Smith gets mocked by a German TV host, and it's awesome. [CityRag]
• Pamela Anderson is not dating Michael Jackson. Praise Xenu. [ICYDK]
A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN "We really shouldn't be surprised at anything when it comes to Michael Jackson. But we have to admit we were shocked when we found out he'd been on a string of dates with Pamela Anderson. The odd couple seem to have bonded over their love of plastic surgery and have been hooking up in Malibu."
Michael Jackson turns the big 5-0 today and said he plans to celebrate by having cake and watching cartoons with his children. Would you expect any other answer? The singer went on to say that he feels "very wise and sage but at the same time very young." Seriously, we could write these responses ourselves.
So now that the birthday stuff is out of the way, let's get to the main issue, shall we? The photo at right was taken Wednesday at a Las Vegas Planet Hollywood, and we had to stare at it for a good five minutes before realizing it wasn't a wax statue. There's looking like you've had some work done and then there's looking like something out of a horror movie, and Jacko has managed to give us nightmares. So, uh, happy birthday Mike!
[Source]
ONE BIG, WEIRD, WASHED-UP PARTY "Michael Jackson is set to make a comeback with golden oldie boyband New Kids On The Block. The King of Pop had secret talks about the link-up with the band's stars at his home in Nevada last week. New Kids singer Donny Wahlberg, 38, said: 'It's very exciting. It's one big party and everyone wants to join us.'" Let us remind you: Michael Jackson will never have a comeback. Ever.
Somehow, no matter what sort of insane costume Michael Jackson is sporting — in this case it’s sunglasses, a rasta wig, a surgical mask, pajamas, a trucker hat, and a wheelchair — he still manages to look exactly like Michael Jackson.
If you needed more proof that television is in an abysmal state, Joe Jackson, the patriarch of one of the most dysfunctional families in Hollywood, is bringing his brand of crazy to your small screen. Joe will have a film crew in tow as he attempts to reunite his sons one last time (sorry, Janet) and develops a clothing line (??). This really sounds like the worst idea ever.
And if you had any doubt this guy was absolutely insane, he solidifies it:
Being the father of all of the Jacksons, it is the father who is putting the Jacksons back together, father knows best.
Sounds like the ramblings of a totally sane person.
[Source]
Michael Jackson, 49, … is working on a new clothing line with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier. 'It's still in the developing stages, but it's going to be big,' an insider tells Life & Style. 'This will be a major comeback for Michael.'"
The above is a lie, and it's one we've heard before. By our calculations, ever since the release of his last reasonably solid record, 1991's Dangerous, which moved over 14 million copies, Michael Jackson has been on the verge of a comeback 237,000 times; each one ushered in with all the theatrics of "Thriller" before sputtering out as quietly and wimpily as "The Girl Is Mine."
It's about time everyone quit kidding themselves. As lifelong MJ fans, it pains us to say it, but his chances of staging an authentic comeback are as good as his chances of beating Michael Jordan in that one-on-one game. "Why?" you ask. Let us count the ways…
CONTINUED »
La Toya Jackson hung out in Germany yesterday at what we can only hope was an anti-plastic surgery rally. At least, we think it was La Toya — it could be Michael with a wig for all we know.
[Source]
The mediocre but meteorically successful band Fall Out Boy — for whom Pete Wentz plays bass and flat-irons his bangs — has covered and subsequently tainted the Michael Jackson-Quincy Jones classic "Beat It." If you're a true MJ fan, it's a disaster. And not only is the music awful, FOB's video pales in comparison to the dazzling productions Jackson used to create. Click through to be disappointed.
PERFECT FOR PEDOPHILES "Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is set [to] be sold at auction on March 19. … Unless he pays off $24,525,906.61 by that date, a public auction will go forward. It's not just the house either. When Neverland is auctioned, it will include everything: all personal property inside, all fixtures and appliances, furniture, and 'all merry go round type devices,' any rides, games.
We've come across yet another leaked song from the 25th anniversary re-release of Thriller. The unfortunately named "Got the Hots" is actually good, unlike that throwaway ballad we played for you last week. Of course, as America seems to have an embargo on good music, "Hots" is only being offered on the Japanese version of the new Thriller; so just listen to it here, dance, and remember a reasonably normal MJ.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt — seen here scoring a free Xbox, because we're sure all those paparazzi photos haven't paid that well — continue their tour of disillusion. We're not sure if Heidi is just really dumb or if she's acting in order to stay in the press.
Here's some great clips from a recent interview. We would point out how ridiculous it all is, but you get the point.
Um, I'm not sure about a tour, but yeah, I think I want to perform in several places. 'Cause "Higher" is coming out, but I also have some other songs coming out. And I'm doing those also. So yeah, I want to perform.
I used to take voice lessons when I was younger. I have always been in musicals. I've been in dance performances. I've been training for this since a young age. … It is truly my passion.
[I'd love to work with] Madonna. She's amazing. I'd love to work with Michael Jackson. Miley Cyrus from Hannah Montana. I'd love to work with her. She's amazing. There are so many musicians! Maybe a rock band. I would love to collaborate with a rock band and do something like that. Maybe The Game? Or the Rapture? I think everybody. I think all the different parts…every aspect…every genre of music I would like to work with.
I go to church every Sunday. I am non-denominational Baptist. And, yeah, I'm actually really religious.
[Source]
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