If you thought horndog sitcom star Charlie Sheen had sworn off hookers many years ago, you’re wrong, according to a former Los Angeles madam.
-From where else but the New York Post
Because it’s what they do, the New York Post has compiled a list of the 50 best (their word) jokes of the last 12 months, a feat that accomplishes little more than to confirm everyone’s assumptions: the Post can never be intentionally funny.
Of the greatest 50 quips in the world today, at least 40 are completely humorless and hackneyed, two or three are not jokes at all and seven mock either African Americans or women (four for the ladies and three for the blacks). All in all, we think the whole exercise was just the Post endorsing Obama in the only way it knows how.
“Jokes” are after the jump.
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Blood is in the water surrounding ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer and it’s a goddamn feeding frenzy of pimps, hookers and newsmen.
All three converged to spit up the Post’s lead story today, a poorly written attack piece about yet another prostitute who claims to have serviced the fallen politico. The headline proclaims, “AND THERE HE HO’S AGAIN”. Of course, the boldness of ALL CAPS is belied by the article’s infirm linchpin: “A source said [the prostitute] personally serviced Spitzer.”
New York, I love you, but you’re bringing me down.
NO REST FOR THE DEPARTED “Photos of Heath Ledger’s dead body are being served up for sale to tabloids worldwide, according to a New York Post insider. Just one photo of the late Oscar-nominee could yield six figures. According to Post sources, photos were snapped of a dearly departed Ledger shortly after his body was discovered in a New York City loft: ‘Supposedly, his body was snapped, and $300,000 is the price on that photo.’”
And to think that just last night we thought our friend’s bar trivia team name – “Ike Turner Beat His Wife So Hard That He Died” – was the lowest it could go. We were fools! Always check the Post.
Whoops! Remember when we told you Nicole Richie was seen puffing cancer sticks while with child? Turns out that was a lie perpetrated by some lunatic at the New York Post. Richie was in Thailand and Australia at the times in question, not New York. (Slight oversight!) That’s the last time we trust anyone who still calls human beings “Oriental.”
Get it? Can you extract the punchline from this forest of subtlety? Here’s the joke: Men are revolted by fat lesbians. So much so that we break into a sweat and shudder when we’re forced to be in their presence without nose plugs. The wit here is amazing! Even more amazing is that this cartoonist behind this panel, the New York Post’s Sean Delonas, is himself not a major cardio enthusiast.
And we’re surprised when girl’s say they’d rather be dead than ugly.
[Source]
In a recent harangue to the New York Post, Vincent Gallo, perhaps best known for wishing cancer on Roger Ebert and having that wish granted, raged at length about Post critic Frank Scheck’s assertion that the infamous oral sex scene from Gallo’s 2003 effort, The Brown Bunny, might have been performed with a prosthetic penis. Speak on it, brother!
“Tell that hack to convince his mother, sister or wife to let me give it to her . . . and then she can report back to little Frank if she thought [it was fake],” Gallo raged to Page Six.
And then it gets oddly explanatory:
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The New York Post is reporting that Britney Spears has now almost completely taken the reins of her career, choosing to act as her own business manager and publicist.
Though she’s still signed to Jive Records, a source told Page Six, “She is doing all of her own business now.” Our spy saw Spears at Aspen on West 22nd Street yesterday afternoon “signing contracts” - possibly related to the recent deal she inked to open a Las Vegas club. The messy mother of two recently cut ties with her manager Larry Rudolf, her mother, and her publicist.
Asked about the contracts she was seen signing, Spears revealed that the documents were “some very lucrative investment deals” with a “mysterious but charming man” named FU Swindleman, who now counts Spears as his sole financial backer for both his Licorice Resort project in the Gumdrop Mountains and his chain of hotels to be built on Park Place and Boardwalk. Swanky!
Dane Cook spoke with the New York Post about all the rumors that abound in his life, including the one that he’s gay and a recent case of a mistaken death.
“You haven’t made it in Hollywood until someone says you’re gay. I got that one a few years ago,” the stud-muffin comic tells Cosmopolitan. “Last week, I got an e-mail asking me if I was dead. There was some Web site claiming that I’d died in New Zealand while waterfall jumping.
Leave it up to this “stud-muffin” comic’s fans to e-mail possibly dead people in order to find out if they are in fact dead.
Editor
