Barack Obama discovered a way to keep print publications from dying! He just needs to get elected president every day forever and erase everyone's memory of the event after each successive election. By doing so, he'd ensure that each normally insignificant newspaper would have the possibility of increasing in value in a hundred years, thus sending every overgrown baseball card collector out to get a Times they can look at and never read, as they're doing today.
You really are amazing, America.
Alright, time to get ghoulish and prepare to get scarily smashed on blood punch or whatever swill they're serving at the cramped Halloween party you're going to tonight. If the clip above isn't enough to put you in the mood to terrify children (or your spouse or your grandmother), click through to get some more inspiration from a few of our favorite scenes of horror from pop culture history.
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Yet another remake this way comes. And this time we're more skeptical than ever before, because the film that's getting the makeover is one quite dear to our inner child.
It's another heavy role for Samuel L. Jackson.
Having most recently played a dirty cop in "Lakeview Terrace," Jackson is set to star as a bad guy again in Columbia Pictures' remake of Berry Gordy's 1985 cult classic "The Last Dragon."
Jackson will play Sho'nuff, the Shogun of Harlem, a role played in the original by the late Julius Carry, whose spiel included asking ego-driven questions like "Am I the baddest mofo lowdown around this town?" Each time his gang of thugs answered, "Sho 'nuff!"
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The updated plot will be along the same lines of the original, centering on young martial arts student Leroy Green in his quest through the streets of New York to achieve the highest level of martial arts accomplishment, known as the Last Dragon. Those who achieve the high ranking possess the Glow, making them the greatest fighter alive.
If the plot, as described by a nerdy Yahoo news writer, sounds to you like it's absolutely awful and juvenile, that's because it is. But, like the 80s in general, it's awful and juvenile in the best way possible.
After the jump, a roundup of a few great scenes from the original Dragon.
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The assault on my childhood continues! First, twas the Smurfs, then Fraggle Rock, now those Hollywood bastards are planning a remake of The Monster Squad, one of the greatest B-movies to skateboard out of the 80s.
…Rob Cohen, director of Universal's upcoming The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor … revealed some interesting news about Fred Dekker's classic '87 movie. Cohen [says] that Paramount Pictures has acquired the remake rights to Monster Squad, which followed a group of kids hunting down Dracula and his minions who are attempting to take over the world. Cohen also reveals that he is planning to produce the remake, but does not intend on directing.
I swear to God, if Zac Efron gets his hair product anywhere near this freakin' probable abomination, I will write a very discourteous letter to whomever is in charge.
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SESAME STREET FIGHTS TO STAY COMPETITIVE "Nearly 40 years ago 'Sesame Street' forged a new path in educational television for preschoolers. But in recent years, as even very young children have migrated online, the show’s Web efforts have lagged far behind those of commercial competitors like the Walt Disney Company and Viacom’s Nickelodeon. The show’s nonprofit parent, Sesame Workshop, hopes to change that on Aug. 11, when the new Web site sesamestreet.org goes live. Developed over two years at a cost of $14 million, the site is making its debut the same day as Season 39 of 'Sesame Street,' seen weekdays on PBS."
A good friend of mine, currently employed as an eighth-grade teacher in the Boston area, just shocked me with the information that his students had never heard of "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday." Even when he played the song for them, the kids, most of whom were born in 1993, said the music was alien. Do you know what this means? My first slow dance song isn't even a distant memory to today's youth.
The track's not even that great. I'm just saying.
EVERYTHING GOLD IS USED AGAIN "Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation are bringing a live-action/animated 'Smurfs' project to the bigscreen. … Best known in the United States for the long-running Hanna-Barbera cartoon, the Smurfs were created in 1958 by Belgian cartoonist Pierre Culliford, known throughout the world as Peyo. The Smurfs, originally called 'Les Schtroumpfs' in French, were created for a Belgian series of comic books, first as minor characters. The villagers, known for their blue skin and small statures, spawned a line of statuettes, games, toys, theme parks and a hit TV series, which ran as part of NBC's Saturday-morning lineup from 1981-90. … 'Smurfs' marks SPA's first hybrid film — a subgenre that proved popular given the success of 20th Century Fox's 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' …"
75 percent of the Golden Girls (Betty White, Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan) got together for a rare public appearance at the TV Land Awards in Santa Monica yesterday. The beautiful old trio was hugging and laughing and generally being just as adorable as you'd expect. Sadly, the gang wasn't all there, as Estelle Getty now suffers from severe dementia and can't attend events. But rest assured, her heart remains true, she's still a pal and confidante (and she always will be).
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It's one thing to remake the Fraggles, because, much as we feign outrage, we don't really remember what that show was about or why we liked it. But now Hollywood's fucking with our dear, dear independent films about crippling despair and the hopelessness of modern life. Now we're mad.
Nicolas Cage has been tapped to star in a remake of the 1992 classic Bad Lieutenant. Originally starring Harvey Keitel as the title character, Lieutenant focuses on a slowly unraveling New York City cop's search for salvation while working to solve a case of a raped nun. Why anyone is remaking it is beyond us, but we're certain the final product is going to be whitewashed of its predecessor's grime and NC-17 rating.
After the jump, catch some of Bad Lieutenant in its gritty glory before Nicolas Coppola has the chance to miss all Keitel's nuances. Be forewarned: some of it is seriously NSFW.
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Because Hollywood is full of pigs who are sentimental only for the money they've yet to accumulate, everyone's favorite slightly scary puppet show, Fraggle Rock, is being adapted for the big screen. The plot will focus on central Fraggles Gobo, Wembley, Mokey, Boober and Red as they venture outside of Fraggle Rock and interact with humans, who they think are aliens. This has the potential to be a bigger disaster than Muppets from Space.
Click through for a global buffet of the original Fraggle Rock.
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OMG, you guys, this is actually happening—a New Kids on the Block tour! You will never, ever be able to reclaim your youth — nor will these Kids — but why not get some front-row tickets and try to do so just one more time? It'll be like Botox, but with 100 percent more awkward dancing and off-key singalongs.
Dates after the jump.
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The Kids in the Hall sketch comedy troupe is back on tour after a six-year hiatus! Yes, their material is very, very hit or miss, but when it hits it's hilarious. Check here to see if they're coming to a city near you, then click through to delight in one of their best new sketches and one of their best from the past. The first one is NSFW, but it's worth getting fired over.
Probably unbeknownst to her, here, at London Fashion Week, Lily Allen has taken on the look of the middle school crush I was too insecure to acknowledge, for fear of also being branded as "weird." To me, she looks like a pastiche of nostalgia, innocence, morbidity and sex, and she's making me feel angry about the weakness of boys.
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