You know what you get when you’re a celebrity and you sign an exclusive deal with a tabloid? Bad karma from the rest of the magazines.

Jamie Lynn Spears, who signed a $1 million exclusive deal with OK! for her pregnancy story and pics, is getting stabbed by Star with a dramatic cover story exclaiming, “Delivery Room Drama!” Since Spears is prohibited from playing ball with the other celeb weeklies, there’s only one thing Star can do: deliver one piece of bad news after another. If only Spears hadn’t signed with OK!, she could’ve scored some protection.

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LOHAN NOT COMING OUT TO ‘OK!’ “Lindsay Lohan has apparently passed on an offer by OK! magazine to say she’s gay. Insiders told Page Six that Lohan and OK! are in talks to do a cover where Lohan ‘comes out’ about her relationship with gal pal Samantha Ronson, and the mag has offered her ‘around $1 million to do the cover.’ One source said, ‘Lindsay really wants this to happen and she needs the money.’ Lohan’s rep denies there’s a deal, however, saying, ‘They sent offers and we passed.’” But wait: Passed because she’s not gay or because she’s not interested in coming out?

FINALLY, BRAD AND ANGIE GET THEIR DUE “The bidding for the Brangelina twins pics has reached a whopping $15 million — and will probably go a lot higher. Our magazine spies tell us only PEOPLE and OK! are left standing in the bidding war. One spy says the pics are so valuable they would ‘print blank pages’ the rest of year to get them.”

Happy birthday to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt — may you have many more years full of tabloid covers and paparazzi stalkers.

BECAUSE LILO CAN’T AFFORD A COAT “A Columbia co-ed wants to know how Lindsay Lohan ended up wearing her $11,000 blond mink coat — and is demanding the ‘Mean Girl’ pay for the impromptu rental. Masha Markova, 22, believed she had forever lost the prized jacket — a gift from her grandmother — while attending a private birthday party at 1Oak in the Meatpacking District in the early-morning hours of Jan. 26. … At one point, she was seated next to Lohan, and recalled putting the mink in a common bin with other jackets. It was gone when she prepared to leave 1Oak after an hour, Markova said. Two weeks later, Markova flipped through the Feb. 11 edition of OK! magazine and couldn’t believe her eyes — Lohan was photographed the night of Jan. 26 wearing the very same fur coat.”

In the winner’s corner: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer dominated the tabloids this week, with most publications declaring them the hot new couple. There’s not much to be negative about, except for the fact that any relationship involving Jen is doomed to fail.

In the loser’s corner: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are competing to see who can make it to the altar first, because isn’t that what romance is all about? We can’t decide who’s the bigger loser in this situation — the Simpsons or their poor significant others.

Also this week: Britney continues to get her act together, Lindsay gets mixed reviews and Angelina is possibly getting married. But don’t hold your breath.

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We’re switching things up a bit this week: Instead of simply summing up the tabloids, we’re presenting the week’s winners and losers in the eyes of the magazines. Which publications favor which celebrities? And does the relationship change from week to week?

This time around, Britney seems to have won back the love of the tabs, because not a single bad story was written about her. The mags are split on Lindsay — some say she’s in a happy and stable lesbian relationship; others declare that she is off the wagon (again).

And congrats are in order to the biggest loser of the week, Jessica Simpson, who is apparently pathetic and in danger of losing boyfriend Tony Romo. When even the tabloids are pitying you, you know there’s a problem.

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Another slow week in Hollywood has resulted in covers featuring the tabloids’ dependable standbys: Britney, Angelina and the Cruise family. Mariah also joins the list of covergirls to flaunt her “new” body — which she has had off and on for her entire life.

There’s also the coverage of the Ashlee Simpson maybe-pregnancy, but big sister Jessica gets most of the attention. She must have pissed off all the magazine editors this week, because she is called out for not only being jealous of her sister’s happiness but also for drinking heavily. Yikes.

Also this week: Paris wants to get married, Miley Cyrus wants to become an author and Heidi Montag wants butt implants. We’re keeping our fingers crossed none of that works out.

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Fresh on the heels of the Ashlee Simpson pregnancy rumors, fiance Pete Wentz contacted MTV News to set the record straight:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.

Meanwhile, OK! magazine is jumping on the bandwagon with a Simpson source claiming the couple is “over the moon” with their baby joy. The magazine offers lots of details that may or may not have been made up — big sister Jessica is thrilled about the fetus, Ashlee is suffering from morning sickness and the couple plans to wed by the end of May.

Coincidentally, Ashlee’s new CD just so happens to be coming out next Tuesday. You smell that? That is the scent of a desperate publicity stunt.

[Source]

Judging from this week’s tabloid covers, it was an uneventful week in Hollywood, besides the fact that Jay-Z and Beyonce got married in an anticlimactic top secret ceremony. Luckily, for all five of you who care, Us Weekly has the mundane details.

Britney only made one cover this week, which must mean her road to recovery has been going smoothly over the last seven days. But not so fast! In Touch swears the trainwreck is having a relapse, complete with bloody scalps and bald spots. Yum.

Also this week: Us finds yet another angle to the presidential race, some stars lost baby weight and Kim Kardashian continues to whore out her “exclusives” for the spotlight.

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The Huffington Post has exposed a deceitful plot by OK! magazine to try and pass off as recent a four-year-old photograph of Britney Spears accompanying the headline “Britney Lost 15 Lbs in Just 4 Weeks!” (”No Pills, No Lipo”). These days, Britney’s not so pretty and coquettish, and you deserve to know that.

The tabloids had a good variety of stories this week, with one Angelina and three Britney covers. Life & Style was the only magazine to get desperate with the typical “celebrities starve themselves to get skinny” cover story. Trailblazers, those L&S staffers.

There is, as usual, a plethora of Spears stories covering Brit’s mental illness and recent weight loss. OK! proclaims that she’s back to her old body, and judging by the cover, she is — because it’s an old photograph from 2003.

Also this week: Lindsay realizes she looks old, Perez Hilton needs attention and Jason Wahler stars in yet another reality show. Count us out.

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Britney Spears’ successful TV guest appearance earned her a feature in all five tabs this week, and only Star made up a scandalous story to sell more magazines. Congrats, Brit — we missed you.

You know who else is a tabloid winner this week? Brit’s ex, Kevin Federline. The father of the year shows up in practically every mag this week due to his 30th birthday disaster and a special “Look, I’m a good guy!” exclusive.

Also this week: Heidi continues her Us Weekly “exclusive” reign, Katie’ eating disorder finally catches up to her and OK! tries to be like Life & Style. Don’t ask us why.

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The Hills is returning next Monday, and the tabloids all got in on the reality show gossip this week — Lauren pulls a Heidi and gives Us Weekly an exclusive interview about how she was betrayed, and Audrina whores herself out to two magazines, attempting to get her own clothing line and insisting she doesn’t want a boyfriend.

Life & Style continues to creep us out with their Baby Suri obsession. We’re just waiting for an arrest to be made — or for an L&S staffer to appear on Dateline’s To Catch a Predator.

Also this week: Jen scores two covers, Brangelina’s clan is becoming the Brady Bunch and Adnan sends annoying text messages. Sounds fun, right?

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The tabloids were desperate this week, resorting to Brangelina lies and “Stars Without Makeup!” cover stories. Somehow, Ashlee Simpson’s nosejob became relevant again, earning her the front page of Us Weekly. Congrats?

Everyone is still grasping at straws when it comes to Britney — this time she’s about to declare bankruptcy and she hates her new life. Not outrageous enough, if you ask us.

Also this week: Lindsay makes excuses, Matthew McConaughey is gross and Heidi Montag gives an exclusive Lauren-bashing. Actually, none of that is particularly new.

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It’s been a slow news week for Hollywood, which means Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back to gracing the cover of Us Weekly and Brangelina are having problems again. It’s the same song and dance, really.

Life & Style staffers continue to creep us out this week with their detailed floor plan of the Cruise family’s new mansion and daily schedule of Tom, Katie and Suri. Is someone going to alert the police, or should we? Someone’s bound to be doing something illegal.

Also this week: Prince Harry poops in the sand, Baby Shiloh has diaper rash and Marie Osmond is making up child abuse allegations. We miss Crazy Britney.

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We’ll admit it: We miss Crazy Britney. Not that we don’t want her to get better and have a huge comeback — we do. But this in-between stage is really boring, and we’re not sure how to handle it. The tabloids are obviously feeling our pain, as they choose to either ignore her or report ridiculously over-the-top stories about how she’s carrying a paparazzi fetus. Go easy on the mags; they’re still learning how to cope.

In other news, babies are everywhere — from Brit and Brangelina to Kate Hudson and Katie Holmes. And, as you may have heard, J.Lo delivered her twins recently. As you can imagine, she was a complete sweetheart during the delivery process.

Also this week: Speidi keeps popping up, Kirsten sets a rehab deadline and Barack tries to snag the highly-coveted tabloid vote.

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Thanks to Jamie Spears finally controlling his daughter, the tabloids are fairly boring this week. And speaking of Brit, nobody can decide whether she’s happy and getting her life back or she’s living the life of a prisoner. We don’t really care, as long as she isn’t around any children — oh, she’s teaching dance classes to kids? Fabulous.

Little sister Jamie Lynn is trying to keep up with Brit, this time whoring herself around and involving Lil’ Romeo in a baby-daddy whodunnit. Pretty good, JL, but are you making your babies cry?

Also this week: Jessica plans to make her Dallas Cowboys curse permanent with marriage plans, Suri has a traumatic no-fast food upbringing and some idiots are paying $1,000 to inject botox in their armpits. Sign us up!

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