What is the single most important issue to Mexicans illegally crossing the U.S. border? No, not finding food and water or an under the table job, or paying off their trafficker, but eating a hamburger that might've been made from the inhumane slaughter of a cow!

PETA, the animal rights group about as delirious as the Parents Television Council, is hoping to plaster the Mexico-U.S. border fence with ads that alert jumpers that "If the Border Patrol Doesn't Get You, the Chicken and Burgers Will — Go Vegan."

Why the ridiculous marketing message?

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Carrie Underwood may have refueled her nonexistent feud with Jessica Simpson with a few simple words to Allure magazine. Carrie, who dated Tony Romo first and is more successful in the country music world than laughingstock Jessica, is also a famous vegetarian. Jessica, of course, was recently seen sporting a T-shirt that read, "Real Girls Eat Meat." Classy.

When asked about her former relationship with Tony, Carrie said a lot without saying much at all:

We were both small-town people doing very big things, and we relied on each other, dealing with fame. … I don't know. The phone will ring and it'll be him, and I'll maybe not answer.

It's common knowledge that Jessica is incredibly insecure in her relationship with Tony, especially when it comes to Underwood, so we're unsure if Carrie meant to cause tension in the glorious Romo-Simpson romance. But either way, it's better than a dumb passive-aggressive shirt.

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There are just so many things wrong with the picture at left, which features this caption: "Pamela Anderson Does Lunch At KFC For The New Faux Chicken Sandwich on August 4, 2008 in Vancouver, B.C."

First of all, we would never look to Pam Anderson's taste in food to determine what we're going to grab for dinner. Second, a faux chicken sandwich? Is that really what they're calling it? Because … ew. And, of course, we never trust anyone in a PETA shirt. It's just one of those basic rules, like looking both ways before you cross the street or never talking to strangers.

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• Yesterday's LA earthquake had the nerve to interrupt a Judge Judy filming. [DListed]

• PETA drove Corey Feldman to get liposuction. Interesting, PETA just drives us to violence. [ICYDK]

• We never get tired of cute kitten videos. [CityRag]

• Our prayers have been answered: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have left New York City. [PS]

• Carmen Electra gets back to doing what she does best. [INO]

• Britney Spears is paying $22,000 a month to get her old body back, which is about $21,900 more than she should be spending. [Yeeeah]

The Dark Knight premiere in Barcelona yesterday marked Christian Bale's first public appearance since the media circus exploded over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister. And then, of course, there's PETA's unimportant claims that he also beats dogs. The great thing about Bale is that he doesn't act like a diva — although he bypassed reporters on the red carpet, he posed for lots of pictures and then spent an extended period of time signing autographs for all his fans. And we also love him because he's honest, like in a recent interview in which he opened up about his temper:

Everyone loses their shit on occasions, don’t they? Like, ‘Oh God, what demon possessed me to do that?’ … My wife gets to live with a variety of men. Some of them she likes, some of them she doesn’t. There are ones people like and others that they say, ‘Man we’re glad you’re finished with that project. You were an asshole.’

To be fair, we still don't believe he did anything horrible to his mother and sister over the weekend. He would have admitted it by now.

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In what should come as a shock to absolutely no one, PETA announced that it is upset with The Dark Knight because of a short scene in which Batman beats a few dogs in self-defense. PETA obviously has nothing better to complain about.

But to really show Batman the error of his ways, the animal rights organization removed him from its list of Top 10 Animal-Friendly Superheroes. Ouch. There's also some great lines in the rant: "They didn't need to make Batman into a dogphobic man!" True poetry. Then PETA asks, "Doesn't the man with the James Bond gadgets know anything about peanut butter treats and deflecting devices?" Um, PETA? Did you even see the movie or are you simply unaware of how dumb you sound?

Click through for the complete inanity.

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Seeing Jessica Simpson prancing around in that "Real Girls Eat Meat" shirt made me temporarily go vegetarian just to spite her, but now that Corey Feldman has disgraced the John Lennon photo above in the name of PETA, I'll give Jess a pass.

Pamela Anderson was in Vegas this weekend to auction off her 2000 Dodge Viper, the proceeds of which she intends to donate to the well-intentioned doofs at PETA.

Apparently, the irony of selling a car that gets 11 miles to the gallon to help protect the animals was lost on everyone there, including an incredibly pink man.

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I walked through Union Square on my way to acting class and got offered loose joints. Drug dealing was a great tradition in this city.

There are other traditions people can get involved with in this city. When I was younger, I used to get a bottle of wine and get drunk under the Staten Island Ferry… so there are things like that you can do.

-PETA spokesperson Alec Baldwin on what New York City tourists can do besides ride in cruel horse-drawn carriages

• You would think with as much experience as she has terrorizing television audiences, Joan Rivers would grasp the concept of live TV. [QT]

• She's come so far: Britney Spears is allowed to be around wildlife without a huge tranquilizer gun nearby. [ICYDK]

• Rod Stewart is still in the baby-making business. Hope you weren't eating lunch. [INO]

• PETA has moved on to harassing Jessica Simpson. Unfortunately, Jess can hardly pronounce PETA, let alone understand what the organization does. [DListed]

• Remind me to set aside some time to stalk Ryan Gosling while he's in NYC. [PS]

On Friday, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will turn 22 years old. We're assuming you would like to send gifts to the twins, so PETA has a great suggestion: Cut off some of your hair and mail it to the girls with a note reading, "Please, use my hair instead of the animals'. Happy birthday." Because that's not creepy at all.

But according to one of the PETA crazies, it's totally justified:

Mary-Kate and Ashley are old enough now to know that fur doesn't grow on trees. … We hope that on their birthday, they will take a moment to think about the many animals who won't live to see another birthday thanks to the twins' abominable taste in clothes.

Call us crazy, but if the twins haven't responded to years of nagging and the Trollsen Twins Web site, it's doubtful they're going to suddenly have a moment of revelation after receiving a bunch of creepy hair dolls in the mail.

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• Why did Dunkin Donuts pull this ad featuring Rachel Ray and her scarf? [HP]

• Patrick Swayze says he's responding well to treatment. No jokes, just sending good vibes his way. [People]

• Fans of Indiana Jones have too much time on their hands if they've already pointed out 40 mistakes since the movie's release last weekend. [ICYDK]

• Just as expected, Pete Doherty has killed one of his cats. Where the hell is PETA in all this? [DListed]

• Today's portion of the R. Kelly trial will deal with threesomes that may or may not involve an underage child. Good clean fun. [SH]

Holy shit: not another "hot" list! Seriously! Can we get a "kind" list, or an "honest" list? No?

At least this one's democratic, we suppose, with the idealistic maniacs at PETA asking you, the herbivore, to vote for the "Sexiest Vegetarian." Our choices: Leonard Nimoy, Michael Stipe, Tea Leoni and Annie Lennox. Go here to help decide.

Pete Doherty just posted a new video to his YouTube account, and it is a complete and utter nightmare, to put it mildly. Amy Winehouse is still around, and the two have decided to nurture some tiny baby mice. Oh, and Pete's poor kittens are still miraculously alive. Hopefully PETA will stop putting whores in cages and actually do something worthwhile, like taking these innocent little animals away from the two worst pet owners on the planet.

PETA participated in a demonstration yesterday in D.C., but we stopped paying attention to the message due to the fact that the group's tactics are so darn predictable. Putting naked or barely clothed women in cages and/or showers is probably not the best way to get those bigwig lobbyists thinking with their heads.

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Garage sale hunters likely don't want to touch anything owned by Pamela Anderson, let alone her underwear. But that's exactly what she sold at an estate sale over the weekend, all in the name of the lovely charity known as PETA. It's all for the animals.

Also up for grabs were broken light bulbs, fondue fountains and a hot pink butt blaster exercise machine. Terrible, right? But for some reason, fans waited for hours just to touch her used underwear. One buyer explained it this way: "I just wanted to see how rich people live."

And with that, our hopes for humanity are gone.

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Cute boy Ryan Gosling can officially add animal rights activist to his résumé. The Canadian ex-Mouseketeer recently sent a letter to the the CEO of KFC Canada, John Bitove, asking him to help end the factory farming abuses common in commercial chicken production. The letter was a wonderful gesture, but, unfortunately, Gosling forgot to enclose in it a check for hundreds of millions of dollars, which is what it would take to get these greedy, bloated captains of death to stop what they're doing. Oh, well!

After the jump, the letter's text and an abominable video from inside a chicken factory, courtesy of PETA.

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These two naked ladies gathered today in Times Square to prove a point. Any guesses as to what that point was? (Hint: It's just as stupid as you think it is.)

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