A-ROD IS QUITE THE ROMANTIC "New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was smitten with Madonna six months ago when he was exchanging text messages with her while dining with a friend in Miami. 'He kept smiling, acting as if he was a little kid,' the dinner companion tells Us Weekly. … By February, the 32-year-old slugger had upped the ante. 'He said, "She's my f–king soulmate, dude."'"

THE COST OF CELEBRITY CULTURE "Jann Wenner is said to be quietly exploring a sale of celebrity magazine Us Weekly to Condé Nast and the price tag could hit $750 million."

Really, what kind of readers get excited over this stuff?

Jessica Simpson's venture into the world of country music has been successful thus far — if you believe the things you read in Us Weekly or hear on the radio. So just how successful is she? Well, just look at this "packed house" (yes, the interviewers actually called it that) of fans who came to see Jess in person. It's amazing that no one was injured during the riot.

Video of the craziness, complete with Jess's annoying baby voice and charming stories, after the jump.

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POOR PAULA "Paula Abdul has split from boyfriend, restaurateur J.T. Torregiani, her rep confirms to Usmagazine.com. The pair parted ways more than two months ago. Torregiani, 33 — a partner in the Dolce Group — has moved out of the American Idol judge's Los Angeles home. "

Also: Madonna may have worn mismatching socks! And did Kim Kardashian accidentally miss the turn to her house?

After being ripped to shreds by Us Weekly fashion police for an apparently unacceptable bike-riding outfit, Barack Obama proved why he should be running the country instead of Janice Min.

I got a hard time from all sorts of blogs who said I looked like Urkel. I knew that the AP was going to take a picture, and they were trying to portray it like [Mike Dukakis] wearing that tank helmet.

But I wanted to make sure that the children who saw that picture knew that even the Democratic nominee for president wears a helmet when he goes biking.

And once again, Obama wins.

Despite a recent photo shoot gone wrong, Hills frenemies Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad stepped out and took a united stand in the name of alcohol last night at LA's Crown Bar.

Across town, Stephanie Pratt was blabbing to Us Weekly about the feud in which she is not involved, saying she doesn't think everything is OK between the two roommates: "But I'm sure they will work it out — they have been best friends for so long." Just like LC and Heidi, right?

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If there's one thing in which Us Weekly shouldn't be involved, it's politics. So, naturally, the magazine has decided to judge the candidates based on their fashion — because the state of the country doesn't matter if Barack Obama and John McCain aren't looking good.

The target this week is Obama, who had the audacity to bicycle around Chicago in "ill-fitting jeans, a tucked in golf shirt and big tennis shoes." The horror! Us' fashion police weigh in:

Although Hillary's made some major fashion faux pas in the past (anyone remember a certain wedding dress?), we wouldn't see her in a pair of pegged acid washed jeans, peddling a bicycle built for two with Bill.

Hilarious. Also, in case you were worried, "The Obama Girl won't be singing about this!"

It's happening: Us Weekly's "exclusives" with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt came to fruition this week with a huge cover story detailing the couple's reconciliation and plans to marry (again). Heidi says she changed her mind about calling off their previous engagement because she realized Spencer is her soulmate. Also? Because she gets more attention — and money — this way. But, for a minute, let's pretend all this isn't completely fabricated:

What changed? On-and-off beau Spencer Pratt convinced her to plan their wedding again during a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico.

'Heidi read me biblical passages like "Honor thy wife,"' says Pratt.

… Nope, can't do it. Too ridiculous.

Happy birthday to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt — may you have many more years full of tabloid covers and paparazzi stalkers.

STATING THE OBVIOUS "Michael Lohan isn't playing dumb when it comes to his daughter Lindsay's close relationship with deejay Samantha Ronson. Days after photos of them nuzzling necks in Cannes, France, surfaced, he tells Usmagazine.com their romance 'is evident to anyone with half a brain.'"

Thanks to Jack Black, who has no interest in playing coy to spite Us Weekly and TMZ, Angelina Jolie has finally confirmed that she is indeed pregnant with twins.

In an interview to air on Access Hollywood tonight, Jack, who is promoting the new movie Kung Fu Panda at the Cannes Film Festival with Angie, inadvertently let the news slip; that, in turn, forced her to admit what the tabloids told everyone from the start of her pregnancy. Don't underestimate the powers of the tabs, Ang. They are creepier than one might expect.

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DON'T GET OUR HOPES UP Just weeks after Grey’s Anatomy returned with new episodes, sources are saying Katherine Heigl is itching to hang up her scrubs. 'She's working really long hours and is ready to move on,' a source close to the actress told Us Weekly."

THIS WON'T LAST MORE THAN AN HOUR "British singer Amy Winehouse has been arrested and is being questioned at a police station in east London about alleged drug use, her rep tells Usmagazine.com."

Why the media has it out for Jennifer Aniston, we will never understand — but this week the assault continues as Jen is painted as the desperate clinger in her romance with John Mayer. To make matters worse, a "friend" of Aniston's is giving quotes to the press about the fairytale romance:

She's really into John, and the nine year age difference doesn't bother her for a second. Jen's already telling friends she's falling in love with this guy.

Jen's really hoping he can spend more time in Miami with her. She just wants to see a lot more of him. This was definitely not a one-off thing as far as she's concerned.

She's already falling in love? Yeesh. Good luck with that pathetic hag, John. It's a wonder Brat Pitt made it out alive.

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In the winner's corner: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer dominated the tabloids this week, with most publications declaring them the hot new couple. There's not much to be negative about, except for the fact that any relationship involving Jen is doomed to fail.

In the loser's corner: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are competing to see who can make it to the altar first, because isn't that what romance is all about? We can't decide who's the bigger loser in this situation — the Simpsons or their poor significant others.

Also this week: Britney continues to get her act together, Lindsay gets mixed reviews and Angelina is possibly getting married. But don't hold your breath.

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