L-words Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were wed this weekend at their home in Los Angeles. Because every celebrity is equally unworthy of privacy in the eyes of money hungry paparazzi, there's some sneaky photos of the nuptials after the jump.

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HE WAS MEANT FOR HER, AND SHE WAS MEANT FOR HIM "Jewel's a newlywed. The singer and her longtime boyfriend, rodeo champion Ty Murray, eloped to the Bahamas and exchanged vows in a private ceremony Thursday night … 'She wore a traditional wedding gown, while Ty wore his favorite blue jeans, white shirt and cowboy hat …"

Converted Christian ex-con Michael Lohan says that were his daughter, Lindsay, to marry her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, it would probably be without his blessing.

"I haven’t heard anything (about an upcoming wedding) from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle,” says Michael. “She knows about my (Christian) faith … she just wouldn’t ask."

Yay, sanctimoniousnesses! And hypocrisy! And religions supposedly based on love that simultaneously prevent fathers from truly expressing love for their daughters! Jesus Christ!

THE MOST IMPORTANT MUD BOGGING OF THEIR LIVES "CMT has ordered a second season of the Tom Arnold-hosted 'My Big Redneck Wedding' … 'Wedding,' which features 'down-home country couples' and their over-the-top weddings, will return with eight half-hour episodes in October. This season, featured receptions will include monster trucks and mud bogging. The series … is one of CMT's highest-rated."

THURMAN ENGAGED TO MAN WHO SHOWS AFFECTION WITH THINGS "Uma Thurman … is ready to walk down the aisle again with financier Arpad (Arki) Busson … Busson, who has two children with supermodel Elle Macpherson, just presented Thurman with a engagement ring so big 'she can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat' …" Oh, wonderful: a diamond so huge it's inconvenient! How do people this crazy get so much money into their nutty bank accounts?

At 5:01 PM, clerks began issuing the state’s first same-sex marriage licenses. And, as a proper institution, the ladies went first. Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin, who have been together 55 years, inaugurated the festivities in San Francisco, while Robin Tyler and Diane Olson did it up in Los Angeles county. The latter were the original plaintiffs in the case that led to California Supreme Court’s decision to overturn the ban on gay marriage.

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Gay Star Trek star George Takei is very close to boldly going where few men have gone before: into a loving marriage with another man.

With the California Supreme Court's legalization of gay marriage taking effect yesterday, Takei and his partner, Brad Altman, talked with The Early Show about being in the final stages of wedding planning, a process Takei calls "delicious anguish." Click through for the adorable video of the lovebirds.

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NANNY-CUM-MOMMY "Ethan Hawke and his fiancée, Ryan Shawhughes, are getting ready to walk down the aisle. The star and the 'very pregnant' former nanny of his children with Uma Thurman are expecting their first bundle together, and spies at the Municipal Building on Centre Street yesterday morning saw the couple applying for their marriage license."

It's happening: Us Weekly's "exclusives" with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt came to fruition this week with a huge cover story detailing the couple's reconciliation and plans to marry (again). Heidi says she changed her mind about calling off their previous engagement because she realized Spencer is her soulmate. Also? Because she gets more attention — and money — this way. But, for a minute, let's pretend all this isn't completely fabricated:

What changed? On-and-off beau Spencer Pratt convinced her to plan their wedding again during a secret make-or-break getaway to Mexico.

'Heidi read me biblical passages like "Honor thy wife,"' says Pratt.

… Nope, can't do it. Too ridiculous.

ASHLEE SIMPSON, TAKE NOTES "Jessica Alba and Cash Warren … quietly wed on Monday, her rep tells People."

Tony Romo caved to Papa Joe's insistence that he accompany Jessica Simpson to sister Ashlee's wedding this weekend. But the delusions continued as the former couple staged fake romantic moments so word would get out from an anonymous source that the two are totally still together.

They were very cozy and cute together. She's definitely not mourning John Mayer! She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.

They were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.

So we're all on the same page that this "source" is Papa Joe, correct?

[Source]

Congrats, Simpson family: Your pathetic attempts to stay in the spotlight have worked, and in the process, every last member of the family looks like a loser. Granted, it's been like this for awhile.

Here's the latest on the disaster Papa Joe created:

• Tony Romo and Jessica are still broken up, and Simpson reps are still denying it. Sources say Tony finally had enough of Papa Joe's meddling — which included unsolicited career advice — and also became upset after seeing Jess' Glamour magazine interview in which she referred to him as her "future husband."

• Papa Joe has begged Tony to accompany Jess to Ashlee's wedding this weekend to "support the family." Also, to keep up appearances.

• Speaking of the wedding from hell, Ashlee and Pete Wentz have asked guests to dress in dark colors for the big day. That's so deep.

• People has reportedly shelled out seven figures for exclusive access to the couple's wedding photos. Has the magazine learned nothing from the public's lack of interest in the Mariah wedding pictures?

[Source]

Remember Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz's "top secret" private wedding plans? Well, secrecy and privacy are out the window if you can afford to pay the couple seven figures for a press pass.

Got a million bucks and a blog? Get at them! And do try to spill a drink on someone.

WHAT'S THE OVER/UNDER ON HOW LONG THIS LASTS? "Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a 'top secret' location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com. 'Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice,' the source told Us. … 'all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location,' the source explained."

• Who knew Barbara Walters said vagina so often? And in so many different ways! [Queerty]

• It's official: Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien next year. [DListed]

• "Rumor has it that Tori Spelling has just been cast in the 90210 spinoff show that the CW is doing." [INO]

• Famous john Charlie Sheen and his fiancée, Brooke Mueller, are asking for donations to charity in lieu of wedding gifts. [ICYDK]

• Lindsay Lohan has been dropped from the cast of another film. It's sad now. [Yeeeah]

• Do these people look like Muppets or do these Muppets look like people? [CityRag]

• Dina Lohan's TV show is finally here! Kill your flat-screen before her voice enters your home and controls your children and pets. [PS]

Here, President George W Bush poses with daughter Jenna at her Texas wedding on Saturday. Over 200 friends and relatives looked on as the bride, in a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, was married to Henry Hager, an MBA candidate and son of Virginia's GOP head.

How these fucking people sleep at night is beyond us.

Mariah Carey, who seems to have forgotten about that whole laser removal technique:

One thing [few people] knew was we got tattoos a few weeks earlier. So anyone who saw my ["Mrs. Cannon"] tattoo wasn’t surprised. To me rings are special and exciting, but tattoos mean more than anything. They’re forever and ever.

[Source]

YET ANOTHER WEDDING WE DON'T CARE ABOUT "A source close to [Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz] has told Hollyscoop exclusively, 'The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles.' Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100 percent pregnant."