Lindsay Lohan
— Wed, Jun 14, 2006 —

??? Nick Lachey gets Vanessa Millinno all wet. Yeah, had to go there. [WWTDD]

??? Nicole Richie and DJ AM getting back together again is still less interesting than the crazy guy standing in front of them in these pictures. [Celebitchy]

??? Jennifer Aniston may be "past the point of responding" to rumors, but we're not past perpetuating them. Maybe she and Vince are engaged. So there. [JustJared]

??? Eminem is set to star in a remake of Have Gun, Will Travel, set in modern times. He had to come back to work sometime, constant divorces can get pricey. [Popwatch]

??? Happy 60th Birthday, Donald Trump! You're now old and tottering enough that people will let you cheat at golf. [TMZ]

??? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are Hollywood's most affectionate couple. See, the acting really has paid off! [A Socialite's Life]

??? Just moments after those last paparazzi photos of Lohan I posted, she apparently flipped her shit. Who doesn't care now, bitch? [Hollywood Grind]

Oh I kid the Lohan, I kid. Obviously any and all eating issues Lindsay Lohan may or may not have ever had are clearly FINE and OVER and SHE'S HAPPY. Other than being dead in the eyes, she is looking great these days.

The real question, though, is what does Lohan think of the Jared Leto's revolving penis. Specifically, what does she think about Jessica Simpson taking her place as orafice of choice for the week? People investigates:

But what about Lindsay Lohan, who was linked with Leto, her costar in the upcoming Chapter 27, last year (and who clashed with Simpson in April over the attentions of mutual pal Brett Ratner)? "She's telling friends she's furious," says a source close to the actress. "She feels betrayed by Jared."

Says Lohan's rep, "Lindsay could care less."

Shouldn't that be 'couldn't care less,' or could she, in fact, care less and this rep was trying to throw us off the trail. Ha-HA, you thought you could slip that one by me, didn't you, Lohan rep? Not so fast.

[Source, Source]

The Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton War has been going on for weeks now, which in Hollywood time is about a decade. Will these two young beauties ever see eye to eye? Will Stavros Niarchos ever be worth this much trouble? Can they please start speading more salacious rumors about each other? Stay tuned to Page Six to find out:

PARIS Hilton is so upset that Lindsay Lohan has been seeing her ex, Greek playboy Stavros Niarchos, she screamed insults at Lohan at Butter on Monday night. Witnesses report Hilton went up to Lohan and shouted, "I can't believe you and Stavros! You are ridiculous!" After taking more insults and curses, Lohan said, "That's how you say hello? I don't need to respond to you." Lohan promptly left. A rep for Lohan said, "Correct. Paris tried to pick a fight with her and started screaming at her, but Lindsay took the high road."After Lohan left, Hilton did a striptease for N.Y. Knick David Lee, Eli Manning and a bunch of other N.Y. Giants.

I mean, shouldn't Paris have already know that Lindsay and Stavros has been seen together? I knew that. Everyone knew that. Doesn't she read the gossip? If not, she should; there's a lot of shit going around that she might want to know about.

What I want to hear more about is her pro-athlete strip tease afterwards. How nudie did she get? Were the other people at the club completely unphased by Paris' behavior? Did Eli Manning cry about it?

Dear God, I have so many questions and never enough answers.

[Source, Source]

— Tue, Jun 13, 2006 —

Lindsay Lohan helps her 'mystery friend' get dressed: A One-Act Play
-Lindsay, do these jeans make my ass look big?
-[Not looking] No.
-Seriously? I think it looks ENORMOUS in these pants. Look again.
-[Still not looking] Nope. Looks fine.
-What about my legs? Thunder thighs?
-[Not even in the room] They look great.
-Are you sure you're not just saying this so that these staggeringly unflattering jeans are so distracting that no one notices you are dressed like a bag lady?
-[Looking, smiling to self] Never.


Read More: Lindsay Lohan

— Mon, Jun 12, 2006 —

Lohan, Lohan, Lohan, you gotta stop trying to give your precious woman-jewels to every person you think might have a funtional penis. Today, the garage station owner, tommorow, what? Your mail carrier? Your drug dealer? (Scratch that, I'm sure it's been done.) Your little brother's friends? Sigh, here's the story from the Enquirer:

Weeks ago I reported that the outraged owner of trendy Robertson Boulevard's only gas station stormed into swanky Diavolina boutique and accosted PARIS HILTON after she parked on his property! "Move your car NOW or I'll tow it!" he barked. But Grouchy Garage Guy sang a sweeter tune when movie star LINDSAY LOHAN pulled the same stunt.

Acting all you-know-what-whipped, he tip-toed into Diavolina and cooed, "Miss Lohan, I own the gas station where you parked. Please give me your keys and I'll park your car in my private spot, then bring it around when you're ready to leave." La Lohan happily handed the guy her keys ??? and they exchanged cell phone numbers. As he exited, a foe-tog in the paparazzi pack trailing Lindsay whispered: "I'll give you $1,000 for her cell number!" Fuming, the guy roared: "You paparazzi move your cars NOW, or my trucks will tow you!"

So...Lohan, you need a date so bad that some dude offers to move your car (and why did you just hand your keys to a stranger?) and you give him your phone numer. Well, at least it could be a helpful contact for every time you crash your car.

[Source, Source]

Read More: Lindsay Lohan

— Sun, Jun 11, 2006 —

...If you wear an Abercrombie size 00 (that's the size smaller than the 0, if you're wondering). What kind of cheap-ass wardrobe department dresses the precious Lohan up in such plebian clothing brands? Apparently the one for A Prairie Home Companion. Lindsay's outfit from the movie is up for auction (all proceeds going towards the One charity) on the New Line Cinema website. Right now the richest probable masturbator is willing to pay about $1,500 to touch clothes that touched Lohan, but that number will be increasing at the rate of peoples fantasies until the 21st.

Bid, bid away.

Read More: Lindsay Lohan

— Fri, Jun 9, 2006 —

Turns out young women stars love jewelry, Cartier especially. Who would have known? Everyone you say? Well, fine. I guess I can admit that these gorgeous event attendees don't look like they're there to fleece the joint, let them in.

— Thu, Jun 8, 2006 —

I fully support Lindsay Lohan's new tactic of responding to questions about her love life by saying that she is courting multiple men. Earlier this week her publicist told Page Six that Lohan is "dating several men who live overseas." On Letterman, when grilled about "male friends more special than the others" she said there were "some." And now in Harpers Baazar she flat out says she's too young not to mess with boy's hearts. It's some of the most fun a little lady can have:

She tells style magazine Harper's Bazaar, "I've become like the guy in relationships. Lately I just cannot be in a monogamous relationship. But there are people I want to date."

One of these men she wants to 'date,' since that's what the kids are calling it these days, may be some douche monkey named Harry Judd from the band McFly. As if that band name (and the picture on the side here) isn't enough to make you question Lindsay's taste in men, this kid has written a song for Lohan called "Please, Please, Lindsay, Please."

Keep reading for some of the lyrics from this lession in musical masturbation.

[There's More To Read ...]

??? It???s probably not a great sign for Christina Aguilera when someone is so excited to see that she is not drunk for once. Hey, at least she???s not pregnant, too. [Bastardly]

??? At what point are these photos of Shiloh no longer considered ???exclusive???? I guess they always would be ???exclusive??? in your heart if you paid millions of dollars for them. [Popbytes]

??? Unfortunately, Mensa had to cancel it???s local chapter meeting when there was a scheduling conflict with the lingerie bowl press conference. [HollywoodTuna]

??? Keanu Reeves wants a wife, but not as much as he wants grape nerds. [PopWatch]

??? Lindsay Lohan should know better than to drink lots of soda before a long formal dinner. It???s not polite to go to the bathroom six times in two hours. [A Socialite???s Life]

??? Nicole Richie continues to insist on proving how hydrated she is. I don't even need water, assholes. [Teddy and Moo]

— Wed, Jun 7, 2006 —

Jessica Alba, no one is going to start respecting you until you respect yourself, honey.

Picking up Lindsay Lohan's movie role sloppy seconds is certainly a step in the wrong direction, doll.

Just a few days ago, MollyGood reported that Lohan dropped out of Bill because she only wants to be involved with big names right now. Now Jessica Alba, the one I thought would be a hotter movie commodity, is picking up the part. Star Magazine writes:

Jessica Alba will star opposite Aaron Eckhart in the comedy Bill, acocrding to the Hollywood Reporter. The story centers on a man named Bill (Eckhart), who, fed up with his job, his wife (Elizabeth Banks) and his life, finds himself the reluctant mentor of an unruly teenager. His life hits an all-time low when he catches his wife having an affair. But with the help of Lucy (Alba), an intriguing saleswoman, he regains his lost sense of self. Lindsay Lohan, was attached to play the unruly teen, but she recently dropped out of the film.

Sounds like a real winning part, Jalba the Hut. See, I tried to stop using that name, but when you go and do silly things like this I have to bring it back. On the brighter side, the movie sounds like a may be a bit of a departure for Jalba--not a single mention of the beach, stripping, or dancing in the whole description. Maybe people finally be able to focus on her acting.

— Tue, Jun 6, 2006 —

So close to a glimpse of the firecrotch! Men spend their lives waiting, searching for moments like this. Lindsay Lohan is basically driving with nothing on her bottom half. Oh to be a bug splattered on that windshield.

In other firecrotch news, Brandon Davis' crazy senile grandmother read some gossip pages, saw that Brandon supposedly had a reconciliation dinner with Lohan, and went out spewing her elderly gibberish about the two of them dating at Kenny G's birthday party (I'm not even joking). Page Six has this story:

But chief Lohan-dler Leslie Sloane responds that Davis has gone daffy: "It is unfortunate that Barbara Davis is desperate enough to make up a lie about Lindsay dating her grandson.

"Lindsay took the high road and accepted Brandon's apology last week, but they are not dating and they did not go to dinner together. Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas." (That's several men, lest any of Lohan's foreign suitors think they have the freckle-faced phenom all to themselves.)

It may be that the strain of Barbara's current family situation has caused the 70-something socialite to embellish her grandson's love life.

Of course the all-powerful firecrotch would not let her overheated loins near the likes of Brandon Davis. Grease fires are very dangerous and Lindsay knows better than to cause that kind of safety hazard.

[Source, Source]

Not content just being a party girl, a waif, and a firecrotch, little Miss Lindsay Lohan had to go and prove herself a diva as well. Lohan looked about twenty years her own senior at an event in New York last night, despite the fact that she is still rocking the black nail polish to remind us of her age. Now that this whole Lohan vs. Hilton/Elvis debacle is over, all parties need to find a way to keep themselves in the headlines. To accomplish this, attention slutsky of the first degree, 'Look At Me' Lohan, walked of the set of her newest movie. Fox News reports:

Lohan, is said to have bolted from ???Bill,??? an indie feature by first-time directors which also starred Aaron Eckhart and Amanda Peet.

Ironically, ???Bill??? is being produced by Greene Street Productions??? John Penotti and Fisher Stevens, who also oversaw ???Prairie.??? But Lohan is said to be concentrating on her next ???next??? film, the Garry Marshall-directed ???Georgia Rule,??? starring Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman.

Someone in Lohan???s crowd told me last night at the overcrowded Hudson Hotel party, ???She???s just going to stick to working with big-name directors now.???

Good thing that Just My Luck and Herbie: Fully Loaded were such outstanding box office smashes otherwise Lindsay would have no business being such a snotty little bitch.

[Source, Source]

Read More: Lindsay Lohan

— Mon, Jun 5, 2006 —

As I mentioned earlier today, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is ready to forgive and forget. To be fair, she looks to be fucked up enough most of the time that she probably doesn't even remember what happened to begin with, and god knows she doesn't want to burn bridges with what may be the best coke connection in town. After the MTV Movie Awards on Saturday, Lindsay Lohan attended Paris Hilton's party where the two girls did what drunk girls do best--had a completely sincere heart to heart.

TMZ wet themselves with excitment over the news:

A source who was at Paris' home during the party says Hilton and Lohan talked about "issues" between them, point by point, and "ironed out all their differences." The conversation lasted nearly an hour and a half, into the wee hours of the morning. When it was over, the girls appeared to be moving towards BFF-dom.

Paris' rep confirms the two had the heart to heart, and says relations between the two now couldn't be better.

Awww, there's nothing like waking up the morning after a vodka and white wine-induced sob fest and thinking to yourself sick, I can't believe I hugged that crab factory and told her everything was okay. never. drinking. again. The faux-forgiveness hangover--it's a doozy.

The next day Lindsay jetted off to New York for her premiere, after which she taught her tweenie sister, Ali, some old faithful and some new innovative red carpet poses. I'm not sure how I feel about prayer hands, but I'm sure it will soon sweep the nation. Thankfully Ali Lohan is a fast learned and already looks dead in the eyes, the way only a Lohanstitute can.

[Source, Source]

Oh Paris, no matter how many times your legion of staff tell you that there are cameras watching, you always seem to forget. This time we saw we saw London, we saw France, we saw Paris with a joint in her hand. Whoops.

Thankfully, TMZ loitered long enough to see:

Paris Hilton was unnerved Saturday night when TMZ cameraman Josh Levine got a shot of the heiress smoking something as her ride pulled up to a Hollywood nightclub.

When Hilton saw the TMZ camera, she nervously and abruptly swung her head forward, pulled down her visor and began applying lipstick.

Elliot Mintz, her clearly concerned publicist who was at the club, sought out TMZ???s Levine and said: ???I just want to get something clear with you. Paris Hilton rolled her own tobacco cigarettes. It was tobacco that you saw.???

Elliot Mintz also rues the day he took this job and got embroiled in this tangled web of obvious lies and sheer cover stories.

These photos demonstrate that a 'firecrotch' slung does not come between some starlets and their corpse-like fashion icon. Karl Lagerfield, eat it up. The photos are from the Dom P??rignon Ros?? Vintage 1996 launch, where all good lushes come to play. I"m sure that Lindsay behaved like a good little underaged girl and kept her grubby little fingers off the Dom. She always was so law-abiding.
[Source, Source]

— Fri, Jun 2, 2006 —

Listen, I know these photos don't look like much, but you're going to have to take my word for it. This is Lindsay Lohan's body (on the side there is a close-up of one of her boobs) attending a 30 Seconds to Mars show last night in Los Angeles. 30 Seconds to Mars is what forces Jared Leto to still be a name anyone says anymore, and Lohan's attendance at the show last night probably means nothing more than she has really, really bad taste in music.

However, I feel obligated to share these pictures with you because as big of a douche bag as Jared Leto is in every way, after the show last night in which the crowd and band was splattered with fake blood, he looks like a completely different kind of feminine hygiene product.

And that, my friends, is awesome.

Have spectacular weekends.

Vodka Tonics,


??? Mischa Barton swears at her mother and calls her names in a hotel hallway. But hell, guess who is paying for that hotel room? [Bricks and Stones]

??? Congratulations to Rachel Weisz on her baby boy, and because no one will harass her for pictures while we are still waiting on Suri and Shiloh. [Celebitchy]

??? Lindsay Lohan wants Brandon Davis to apologize on video and make a charitable donation to make up for his tirade against her. He should probably give it to a firefighter???s organization, just for shits. [WWTDD]

??? Rough Thursday night? Feel like you look like ass? At least you???re not Goldie Hawn. [DListed]

??? Jessica Simpson???s sagging breasts look like Ashlee???s old nose. Oh how the Simpson tables have turned. [CityRag]

??? The Beckhams are coming to America; I give it six months before he???s cheating on her again. [rosiedemario]

In order to demonstrate our extreme case of pop culture amnesia, starting today, every Friday I will bring you What a difference a year makes, a pleasant retrospective on our favorite celebrity self-loathing-inducers' past. One year ago today, here's what everyone was talking about:
??? Paris Hilton got engaged to Paris Lastis. It sure is adorable how young love lasts forever. [People]

??? The nation was still reeling from Tom Cruise???s incident on Oprah. Little did we know that the world would never be the same. [Defamer]

??? Lindsay Lohan continued to run her car into everything in sight. Thankfully since then she has stayed away from the driver???s side. The world is a safer place for it. [The Superfial]

??? Are they or aren???t they? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie kept the world guessing as to whether their privates had touched. Hint: they had. [PopSugar]

??? Renee Zellweger was ready to prove the sanctity of her recent wedding vows with Kenny Chesney. For a good couple months. []

??? Christian Slater grabbed some woman???s ass. Unfortunately, it was about ten years too late for her to enjoy it. [PITNB]

— Thu, Jun 1, 2006 —

Aside from the obvious problem of the leather shorts, our heroine Lindsay Lohan may have bigger issues to deal with. Namely, a shopping addiction. Unfortunately, we all now know that Lohan only has a paltry $7 Million to play around with, and the way she's been spending, its time to call in some back-up.

But what is a girl to do? It's not like one can actually control ones urges to swaddle ones self in thermal wear from Kitson or prance around in Christian Louboutin shoes. Apparently there are options other than responsible practices, The Scoop reports:

Did Lindsay Lohan visit a hypnotist to cure her shopping addiction?

The ???Mean Girls??? star dropped more than $1 million on clothes and accessories last year, according to Life & Style weekly, and has turned to the help of a hypnotist to help end her penchant to spend money.

???Her closets are overflowing with things like $8,000 Prada dresses and $2,000 Balenciaga bags,??? according to her stylist Rachel Zoe. ???She has so many clothes, she never even wears some of them!???

More importantly, is celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe selling out her client? Harsh.

Of course Lindsay's rep was quick to shoot down this entire story. because it's clearly bullshit (and honey doesn't want to think she's about to be downsized off of the Lohan gravy train).

At least for a moment we had hope that a trend of hypnosis may be the reason Lindsay and all the other young Hollywood "personalities" walk around looking vacant and zombie-ish all the time. Now, we'll just have to go back to knowing they're verging on brain dead.

[Source, Source]