Paris Hilton
— Wed, Jun 14, 2006 —

The Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton War has been going on for weeks now, which in Hollywood time is about a decade. Will these two young beauties ever see eye to eye? Will Stavros Niarchos ever be worth this much trouble? Can they please start speading more salacious rumors about each other? Stay tuned to Page Six to find out:

PARIS Hilton is so upset that Lindsay Lohan has been seeing her ex, Greek playboy Stavros Niarchos, she screamed insults at Lohan at Butter on Monday night. Witnesses report Hilton went up to Lohan and shouted, "I can't believe you and Stavros! You are ridiculous!" After taking more insults and curses, Lohan said, "That's how you say hello? I don't need to respond to you." Lohan promptly left. A rep for Lohan said, "Correct. Paris tried to pick a fight with her and started screaming at her, but Lindsay took the high road."After Lohan left, Hilton did a striptease for N.Y. Knick David Lee, Eli Manning and a bunch of other N.Y. Giants.

I mean, shouldn't Paris have already know that Lindsay and Stavros has been seen together? I knew that. Everyone knew that. Doesn't she read the gossip? If not, she should; there's a lot of shit going around that she might want to know about.

What I want to hear more about is her pro-athlete strip tease afterwards. How nudie did she get? Were the other people at the club completely unphased by Paris' behavior? Did Eli Manning cry about it?

Dear God, I have so many questions and never enough answers.

[Source, Source]

??? German photographers are as sick of Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn pretending not to be together as we are, only they're willing to do something about it. [Celebitchy]

??? Pamela Anderson claims that her young children use her stripper pole more than she does. It's nice to see that she is passing down her skills at a young age. [WWTDD]

??? Anna Nicole Smith's pregancy belly strikes fear in the hearts of all who see it. [Popbytes]

??? Beyonce is keeping her man Jay-Z slim and hot these days, just in time for his next un-retirement. [PopSugar]

??? Paris' nipples continue to spend every day trying to be free. [Faded Youth]

— Tue, Jun 13, 2006 —

In the first show of relenting since the feud started last year, Paris Hilton told Regis & Kelly that she thinks she and Nicole Richie will make up. Access Hollywood reports:

Hilton tells "Live With Regis and Kelly" she loves being single because she's "never had time" for herself. She says when she's with a guy she focuses all her energy on him.

Hilton says being single has taught her that she's "a strong woman" who can handle being on her own.

She also says that even though she and Nicole Richie are feuding, they will "get back together one day."

Though there are no immediate peace negotiation plans, this is a ray of hope in out post-apocalyptic Paris/Nicole rift world.

In the time between now and that publicity stunt, Paris will continue to spend as much time as possible photographed around town clutching her own record.

[Source, Source]

??? Would it be worth it to sleep with Eva Longoria if you knew she would wake you up every morning at 5:30 by banging a gong? [Egotastic]

??? Jada Pinkett Smith is a man, baby. [Faded Youth]

??? Brittany Murphy desperately wants to be famous enough for her own "Got Milk" ad. [Hollywood Tuna]

??? Ashlee Simpson wants you to love the skin your father is willing to buy you. [DListed]

??? God, Jennifer Aniston, don't you know that blaming Vince Vaughn for your inability to quit smoking isn't going to make him want to hang around? [A Socialite's Life]

??? Orlando Bloom stakes his claim on all things waifish and blonde. This time it's Claire Danes. [PopSugar]

??? You can all sleep easy tonight knowing that Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos are back together. See, love really can conquer all. [Celebitchy]

Elliot Mintz is the hardest working man in Hollywood. Someone give that guy a vacation, because his client Paris Hilton certainly never will. This newest story her publicist has to spin is about Paris being sued for a car accident she wasn't really involed in, that took place two years ago. Why is this news? Because it's Paris. TMZ has the story:

The incident allegedly occurred in May, 2004. Brooke Ashley Brinson, who identified herself at the scene as Paris Hilton's cousin, was driving the Mercedes that was registered to Hilton. The heiress was not in the car.

According to the suit, "Traffic began to slow down and all vehicles came to a stop for traffic ahead." The lawsuit alleges that the defendant's car failed to stop, causing a chain collision involving four cars. The plaintiffs, Ivan Alvarez, Monica Delgado and their child, Nicholas Alvarez, were two cars in front of the Mercedes.

TMZ spoke with the plaintiffs' lawyer, Mauro Fiore, Jr., who said his two adult clients suffered "serious injuries."

Fiore says he filed a claim with Hilton's insurance company, and was shocked to learn that Hilton had the bare minimum coverage for property damage -- $5,000. Hilton's insurance company refused to disclose her policy limits for personal injury.

Fiore says he wants $250,000 for each plaintiff but the insurance company refuses to pay a dime.

Why would Paris need to have a fuller insurance plan? It's not like she is the biggest road liabilty of all time or anything.

At least bad driving runs in the family, so maybe Paris' comedy of traffic errors isn't entirely her fault. Or maybe this 'cousin' has the Hilton lazy-eye, which should be blamed for almost all automobile accidents in the greater Los Angeles area for one reason or another and is surely why Paris tries to run into every other car in striking distance everytime she leaves the house.

Maybe she should be allowed in those handicapped spots after all.


Read More: Paris Hilton

— Mon, Jun 12, 2006 —

??? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be the first couple of Namibia, but don???t forget about J-Lo and Marc Anthony???s hold on Puerto Rico. [Jossip]

??? Speaking of Brangelina, they are the worst thank you note writers ever. [JustJared]

??? Jay-Z and Beyonce are still in love, better than you in every way. [HollywoodRag]

??? The girls pose with hands on their hips because it makes their arms look thinner, duh. [PopSugar]

??? Jennifer Aniston pouts her way across Australia. [The Superficial]

??? Paris Hilton lesson of the day. Making promises: Hot. Keeping promises: Not hot. [WWTDD]

— Fri, Jun 9, 2006 —

While I should be focusing on more important issues like whether or not Nicole Richie is dating Paris Hilton's ex (side bar: Nicole with Chad Muska Wednesday and Paris with him in 2004), I can't get these pictures of Bai Ling out of my head.

Those eyes. Those bangs. That tongue.

Besides the fact that she looks so wasted that she might just splat face down on the red carpet, she also appears like she may spontaneously start making out with the next object she sets her glassy eyes on (be it human or not).

I'm no doctor, but I think whatever she is doing in this picture actually qualifies as sexual activity. Everyone should probably get tested.

No need for Lohan sugar this weekend--I will not rest for fear that Bai will show her face in my dreams.

Keep it real, bitches.

Dirty Martinis,

But WAIT, you say! I didn't post my heaven-ordained number of servings for the day! Scandal! No worries, I will be popping in this weekend. That's right, when you are in the depths of your hungover-stranger's-bed-self-loathing, there will be a few MollyGood juicy niblets to remind you that no matter how bleak and crabs-ridden your life looks, there's always room to ridicule others.


For the first time in recorded history, Paris Hilton managages to not show everyone her privates while exiting her car.

Bad news, Gay community, Paris Hilton seems to be taking her newly appointed (voted in?) "Gay Icon" status pretty seriously. Here she is looking like an f-ing idiot at the unveiling of the "Idols of Gay Hollywood" exhibit. For no good reason, some of Paris' own outfits are even included in the show. Hopefully those messes of disease are quarantined off so that they don't go around infesting all the other clothes.

Earlier in the day, it appears Miss Paris was wreking vehicular havoc elsewhere in Los Angeles. Who even let her get a license in the first place? Someone should just arrest that dude. TMZ has the story (and video, obvs):

Paris Hilton hit a parked car causing damage, then left without leaving a note -- a violation of California law, and it's all on video.

It happened Thursday after a shopping spree in trendy Robertson Blvd in L.A. with her new BFF, Kim Kardashian . After loading her shopping bags into the trunk of her Range Rover, Hilton says good-bye to Kardashian and starts to back out of the parking spot without her seat belt on -- another violation of law.

Hilton checks her mirrors and looks around, but apparently doesn't notice the parked Honda Civic behind her and slams into the bumper, causing damage to both vehicles.

Hilton then exits the public parking structure without leaving a note with her contact information, which is a misdemeanor under California law, punishable by as much as six months in jail.

Note to self: Only visit LA when Paris is known to be out of town, because otherwise the streets are not safe. At any given moment she may be on the road, either drunk, really really drunk or fucking wasted, and that is reason enough to stay home.

My final thought is on a topic I was hoping I would never have to formally adress: Paris' hand adornment. For the love of god, is this hand spat thing really going to happen? First Lindsay now Paris? HAND SPATS. Sigh. I give up.


Read More: Car Crash, Paris Hilton

Nicole Richie Shops for a Bathing Suit: A One-Act Play
Does this bathing suit make my sternum look prominent?
How about this one?
Yes, that one does too.
And this one, does it showcase my ribcage enough?
Which ones will distract people from my awful hair extensions?
Probably none of them.
In this one, can you count the protruding bones on one hand?
Good. I'll take them all.


??? Russell Crowe shocked no one by losing his shit and throwing a phone at a hotel worker's head. Luckily, money heals all wounds. [OAN]

??? Tom Cruise continuted to alienate and mystify every fan he ever had with his constant Katie Holmes publicity stunt. One year later, those same fans are the ones trying to put him in the loony bin. [PopSugar]

??? Meanwhile Katie Holmes, when left alone, sometimes had to answer quesions about Tom Cruise and how they met, which she was clearly unfit to do. [Defamer]

??? It feels like just last week that Paris Hilton pulled off her top while being filmed, but this video is from a year ago. Oh, right that happened last week, too. [The Superficial]

??? Stavros Niarchos started his ascension into Paris' vag, starting with Mary-Kate's. [A Socialite's Life]

??? ARE BRAD AND ANGELINA DOING THE NASTY?? Fuck, yes, calm down, people. [CityRag]

??? Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are fine. Nothing to see here. Keep walking, folks. [PITNB]

— Thu, Jun 8, 2006 —

She can't really sing.
She's a pretty atrocious dancer.
As far as I can tell she completely sucks at lip syncing.

What she lacks in these categories, however, Paris Hilton totally makes up for in sand-rolling, greasy caressing, and almost falling out of her bathing suit.

(Which will you be more sick of by the end of the day Baby Shiloh or Paris Hilton?)

Here is the first music video off Paris' album. Watch her flop around with disregard for any and all sand caught in her bathing suit! Such bravery! Such panache! Eh, she probably has no sensation in her nether regions anyway.

Read More: Paris Hilton, Video

Paris Hilton may not actually be handicapped, but she sure acts like it. According to Page Six, rumors about Paris have been spreading around former fling Matt Leinart's apartment complex and for once they have nothing to do with unpleasant crotch critters:

Residents of a posh Los Angeles apartment complex that's home to her boy toy, Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart, say every time she visits, the celebutard thoughtlessly pulls into the handicapped spot. "I find the reports surprising," said Paris' spokesman Elliot Mintz.

I think that Paris probably just doesn't even see handicapped people, or anyone else deemed unfit, through her carefully cultivated selective-vision. This is also an explanation as to why she acts like such a moron all the time--she thinks that she's alone because her brain does not even register the normals around her. Come to think of it, she probably does qualify as handicapped in some capacity, she just needs to apply for the plates.

[Source, Source]

If I am to believe that these pictures show Paris Hilton exiting the gym after working out, she is the most fresh-faced post-exercise chick ever. Not only that, but she didn't muss a single hair on her severely-chinned little head while doing whatever it is she supposedly does in that place. No stranger to physical activity, Paris must know some secrets that I don't on how to put your heart into an aerobic session and maintain a camera (or video)-ready coif.

She is also the only girl I know that works out in heels, but to each her own. I use the term 'know' loosly, of course, because I try not to surround myself with those who simultaneously wear three different shades of animal print casual wear at any time, ever.


— Tue, Jun 6, 2006 —

??? Sienna Miller keeps herself relevant by any means necessary. This time, its topless sunbathing. Come on, that is so Aniston years ago. (Click on picture above for uncensored version) [Egotastic]

??? We can all breathe easy, there is another suggestive Jessica Simpson photospread on the way. [Faded Youth]

??? Listen, it would make Teri Hatcher feel a lot better if you would just tell her that she doesn't need any (more) cosmetic surgery. [WWTDD]

??? Joe Simpson is too busy molesting, er, managing his daughters to change his clothes. [PopSugar]

??? Paris Hilton likes her thong tan lines. They help her know at what point she should stop pulling up her skirts. [JustJared]

??? Janice Dickinson may have slept with a lot of celebrities, but even she could not get past the fortress of the Cosby sweater. [CityRag]

I dont know what they're saying. Paris Hilton certainly doesn't know what they're saying, but this German commercial starring Paris is hilarious.

She rolls around in her underwear.

She puts on her heels to walk across the shag capret.

She eats an apple.

And at about five seconds in, she picks a wedgie. It happens to the best of us.

— Mon, Jun 5, 2006 —

??? Did Jessica Alba get breast implants? Or was it double-sided tape? Or childhood illness? Well, that god awkward real quick, didn't it? [WWTDD]

??? Ashlee Simpson's face is still totally unsettling. Ugly duckings everywhere need a new role model. [Hollywood Tuna]

??? "Hey kids, meet your new daddy, David Spade. He won't molest you for at least a couple more years."--Heather Locklear [Hot Momma Drama]

??? No matter what she's doing, even asking an airline employee a question, Nicole Ritchie looks like an idiot. [The Gilded Moose]

??? I'm not sure what is more terrifing, Vivica Fox's face or Tyson Beckford's goatee. [Hollywood Rag]

??? Always remember, Paris isn't the only Hilton who can get drunk and make a fool out of herself. Nicky does her part, too. [PopSugar]

I've been trying avoid doing this, but after admitting defeat to Paris Hilton as a persona, I may as well succomb to all aspects of what she is shoving in out collective face. It may be derivitive. It may be completely synthesized. It may make me want to shoot myself in the kneecaps after about ten listens. But it just may be the most awesome load of worthless garbage the world has ever seen.

Look me in the eyes, or the computer monitor as the case may be, and tell me this song, Paris Hilton's first single "Stars are Blind" does not get you bopping your cynical little head. It makes me feel dirty to say, but I totally rocked the disaffected white girl head nod while listening to this for the first time.

Who knew Paris Hilton could make me feel such shame.
Download Paris Hilton--The Stars are Blind


Read More: Music, Paris Hilton

As I mentioned earlier today, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is ready to forgive and forget. To be fair, she looks to be fucked up enough most of the time that she probably doesn't even remember what happened to begin with, and god knows she doesn't want to burn bridges with what may be the best coke connection in town. After the MTV Movie Awards on Saturday, Lindsay Lohan attended Paris Hilton's party where the two girls did what drunk girls do best--had a completely sincere heart to heart.

TMZ wet themselves with excitment over the news:

A source who was at Paris' home during the party says Hilton and Lohan talked about "issues" between them, point by point, and "ironed out all their differences." The conversation lasted nearly an hour and a half, into the wee hours of the morning. When it was over, the girls appeared to be moving towards BFF-dom.

Paris' rep confirms the two had the heart to heart, and says relations between the two now couldn't be better.

Awww, there's nothing like waking up the morning after a vodka and white wine-induced sob fest and thinking to yourself sick, I can't believe I hugged that crab factory and told her everything was okay. never. drinking. again. The faux-forgiveness hangover--it's a doozy.

The next day Lindsay jetted off to New York for her premiere, after which she taught her tweenie sister, Ali, some old faithful and some new innovative red carpet poses. I'm not sure how I feel about prayer hands, but I'm sure it will soon sweep the nation. Thankfully Ali Lohan is a fast learned and already looks dead in the eyes, the way only a Lohanstitute can.

[Source, Source]