Tom Cruise
— Wed, Jun 14, 2006 —

??? Nick Lachey gets Vanessa Millinno all wet. Yeah, had to go there. [WWTDD]

??? Nicole Richie and DJ AM getting back together again is still less interesting than the crazy guy standing in front of them in these pictures. [Celebitchy]

??? Jennifer Aniston may be "past the point of responding" to rumors, but we're not past perpetuating them. Maybe she and Vince are engaged. So there. [JustJared]

??? Eminem is set to star in a remake of Have Gun, Will Travel, set in modern times. He had to come back to work sometime, constant divorces can get pricey. [Popwatch]

??? Happy 60th Birthday, Donald Trump! You're now old and tottering enough that people will let you cheat at golf. [TMZ]

??? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are Hollywood's most affectionate couple. See, the acting really has paid off! [A Socialite's Life]

??? Just moments after those last paparazzi photos of Lohan I posted, she apparently flipped her shit. Who doesn't care now, bitch? [Hollywood Grind]

Is Nicole Kidman putting a rush on her wedding plans because she is with child? According to Star (and I guess these pictures?) Kidman is looking pre-tty round these days and she would never just let herself go like that:

And wouldn't that be the perfect wedding gift for Nicole ??? as Star has reported, she's slated to marry her fianc??, country crooner Keith Urban, 38, later this month. An eyewitness exclusively tells Star, "Nicole was going to yoga around 5 p.m., and her tummy was really hanging out and pushing her pants down. She looked like she had gained some weight in her belly area and in her breasts. It wouldn't be a stretch to say she looked like a woman in the early stages of pregnancy."

Perhaps fiance Keith Urban was able to do what Tom Cruise never could in sperminating Nicole. Though, even with my admittedly rudimentary knowledge of how babies are made, I think that pregnancy is usually the result of sexual intercourse, and I'm not sure she and Tommy ever made it that far.


— Fri, Jun 9, 2006 —

??? Russell Crowe shocked no one by losing his shit and throwing a phone at a hotel worker's head. Luckily, money heals all wounds. [OAN]

??? Tom Cruise continuted to alienate and mystify every fan he ever had with his constant Katie Holmes publicity stunt. One year later, those same fans are the ones trying to put him in the loony bin. [PopSugar]

??? Meanwhile Katie Holmes, when left alone, sometimes had to answer quesions about Tom Cruise and how they met, which she was clearly unfit to do. [Defamer]

??? It feels like just last week that Paris Hilton pulled off her top while being filmed, but this video is from a year ago. Oh, right that happened last week, too. [The Superficial]

??? Stavros Niarchos started his ascension into Paris' vag, starting with Mary-Kate's. [A Socialite's Life]

??? ARE BRAD AND ANGELINA DOING THE NASTY?? Fuck, yes, calm down, people. [CityRag]

??? Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are fine. Nothing to see here. Keep walking, folks. [PITNB]

— Thu, Jun 8, 2006 —

Date and marry a lunatic who wears lifts and forces you to slouch so that he can look taller? Convert to a religion that uniformally terrifies everyone you know and love? Bear a child knowing full well that said crazy would do everything in his (very far-reaching) power to win a custody battle if it came to that?

Eh, maybe.

The Scoop supposedly has the final details of the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes prenup:

The happy couple and their lawyers have come up with a contract that will give Holmes $3 million a year up to $33 million for each year that she is married to Cruise, as well as a palatial home in Montecito, California, according to Life & Style Weekly. If the marriage lasts longer than eleven years, the contract becomes void and California's community property law kicks in ??? giving Holmes half of Cruise's rather sizeable fortune.

When contacted by The Scoop, Cruise's rep declined to comment, but an "insider" told the mag that Holmes's parents had been trying to get her out of the relationship ??? but have changed their minds and now want her to marry Cruise. ???If she walks now, Tom will fight her for custody of [daughter Suri], and Katie can???t outlast him in court,??? an insider told the mag. ???She knows she needs to marry him to get the money to fight him for custody, if it comes to that.???

Custody over what f-ing child?!? What we need to make this story credible at all is PROOF THAT THERE IS A GOD DAMN BABY. Frankly, I don't even care if it's the real Suri, just pose with some prop infant and release the photos; babies all look the same anyway. We don't really want to steal the 'real' Suri's soul, we just want a photographic teat on which to suckle in order to keep us interested in these a-holes.

[Source, Source]

— Fri, Jun 2, 2006 —

In order to demonstrate our extreme case of pop culture amnesia, starting today, every Friday I will bring you What a difference a year makes, a pleasant retrospective on our favorite celebrity self-loathing-inducers' past. One year ago today, here's what everyone was talking about:
??? Paris Hilton got engaged to Paris Lastis. It sure is adorable how young love lasts forever. [People]

??? The nation was still reeling from Tom Cruise???s incident on Oprah. Little did we know that the world would never be the same. [Defamer]

??? Lindsay Lohan continued to run her car into everything in sight. Thankfully since then she has stayed away from the driver???s side. The world is a safer place for it. [The Superfial]

??? Are they or aren???t they? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie kept the world guessing as to whether their privates had touched. Hint: they had. [PopSugar]

??? Renee Zellweger was ready to prove the sanctity of her recent wedding vows with Kenny Chesney. For a good couple months. []

??? Christian Slater grabbed some woman???s ass. Unfortunately, it was about ten years too late for her to enjoy it. [PITNB]

— Thu, Jun 1, 2006 —

??? If you're going to dress like an idiot and wear a tutu to play tennis, Maria Sharapova, at least have the decency to coordinate your underwear/shorts with your dress. [Celebitchy]

??? Mariah Carey just oozes nonchalance. How can one woman try so little to look attractive? [The Superficial]

??? Meet The Brangelina Code, Sony Pictures' attempt to keep us interested in The Da Vinci Code. It's working. [E! Online]

??? Everyone has their own Surreal Life dream team, but a very pregnant Anna Nicole Smith would just be a ratings goldmine. [Pop Culture Junkies]

??? Kate Beckinsale lost her cat. On the way home from the gym? While wearing clogs? Just look at the pictures. [Bastardly]

??? Hugh Hefner would be ''honored' if Angelina Jolie would pose nude in Playboy. Yeah, no shit. [IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay]

??? The new Christina Aguilera has leaked onto the internet. Check it out before her lawyers start suing. [PopBytes]

??? TomKat spent Memorial Day with Jim Carrey (obviously). Please don't tell me Ace Ventura is a Scientolgist. [JustJared]

??? Uma Thurman may look like a clown, but she would happily beat the shit out of you for laughing at her. [CityRag]

??? Happy 2nd Birthday, Pink Is The New Blog! We all hope Britney brushes her hair just for you today. [PITNB]

??? Grab your ???Namibia is for Lovers??? shirt before Brad and Angelina buy ???em out to give to all their friends. [Goldenfiddle]

??? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have asked Katherine McPhee to sing at their wedding. Katie hopes that the old look alike switcheroo may be her only chance of escape. [BWE]

??? We may have jumped the gun on that Reese Witherspoon pregnancy announcement. Oops. [JustJared]

??? I???m guessing it???s all fart jokes and facial contortions over at the Carrey-McCarthy household. [A Socialite???s Life]

??? Scarlett Johansson is hard to spell, but for me the tricky ones are always the Gyllenhaals. [PopWatch]

??? OMG!!! You can kind of vaguely see post-birth Gwen Stefani through this car window. [HollywoodRag]

— Tue, May 30, 2006 —

I was just thinking to myself the other day that we need more women in this world with the physique of Victoria Beckham. She has always struck me as a pioneer in the field of emaciation and subsequent bobble-headedness. Thanks to the Beckham???s friendship with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes may be the newest drone transformed in Victoria???s image. According to the Mirror:

VICTORIA Beckham is giving her friend Katie Holmes tips on how to shift her post-baby bulge.

New mum Katie, 27, has already recruited a company called Buff Brides to help her get in shape for her wedding to movie star Tom Cruise.

But now she has turned to the super-slim ex-Spice Girl who has given birth three times - to Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz.

A friend told Reveal magazine: "Victoria and Katie are really good friends, and Posh knows just how to get back in shape after having a baby.

"She got her figure back within weeks of giving birth to Cruz. So Katie thought Victoria was the perfect person to ask about shifting her baby weight."

Alien baby syndrome often has a way of making women, like Nicole Ritchie or Mary-Kate Olsen, look weak or timid. For Victoria, however, it makes her look f-ing terrifying and like she might actually hurt me with her sinewy musculature and stilettos. Maybe this will do Katie some good. Considering the way that people portray Katie Holmes these days, she may need a Victoria Beckham Death Stare in her arsenal.

[Source, Source]

— Mon, May 29, 2006 —

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise continue to function as a completely normal couple by playing some sort of ball sport in their backyard. This was not, of course, to make appearances for any sort of lurking paparazzi. Even though the celebrity baby attention has shifted away from their spawn, Suri, Tom and Katie appear to be having a gay old time. Or at least Tom does, Katie has a look on her face like "are you fucking kidding me? Must we play outside? Are we adults? Damn this binding contract." No date has been set for the Cruise-Holmes nuptuals, which is probably partly because she isn't Scientological enough yet and partially because bitch isn't putting enough effort into losing the baby weight. Isn't love grand?


— Wed, May 24, 2006 —

??? Jake Gyllenhaal manages to look entirely uncreepy and pretty endearing touching a stranger???s young son. [JustJared]

??? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are fighting; I guess her brainwashing wasn???t entirely successful. [The Superficial]

??? Just as the sun will rise every morning, Bai Ling will provide a nip-slip at every possible moment. [Egotastic]

??? Julia Stiles is on the cover of Marie Claire, which is almost as good as Vogue, right? Right? [IDon???tLikeYouInThatWay]

??? Goldie Hawn proves that beauty is fleeting. Very, very fleeting. [Hollywood Rag]

??? Sienna Miller and Jude Law are back together. I'm all for it if it means they'll both disappear. [A Socialite's Life]

— Mon, May 22, 2006 —

??? David Beckham took off his shirt. No, there's not really a story there. Just lots and lots of photos. [JustJared]

??? Christina Aguilera isn't a stripper she just plays one in the movies. And in her videos. And in magazines. And in live performances. [WWTDD]

??? Paris Hilton's Album isn't coming out anytime soon. She wants some more time to completely destroy great songs; this time it's Gnarls Barkley "Crazy". [The Superficial]

??? You know how fun it is to watch friends fight in public? Now there are some photos of Brooke Burke and David Charvet going at it. Awkward. [Hollywood Rag]

??? I always knew that Mary-Kate Olsen had a little Michael Jackson in her. I mean, we've all seen how she gets down. [PITNB]

??? Tom Cruise's kids aren't allowed to watch tv or movies. This is most likely to protect them from seeing their father act like a madman and ruin his career. [Best Week Ever]

— Tue, May 16, 2006 —

For the love of God, guys, just show us your goddamn child already. I have to believe Suri has been properly Scientology cleansed by now, and it's certainly not that you want to keep the details of your life private. Your entire relationship has been a publicity stunt, why stop now? Just when it is getting interesting and there is another completely innocent life involved.

Bring the baby outside. Let it breathe the fresh Los Angeles air. You're going to have to do it sometime.

We are all sick of seeing your plastered-on smiles and faux interest in Tom's son Connor's youth soccer. (It's not your fault; no one likes watching youth soccer.)

[There's More To Read ...]