Deadliest Catch

I just don’t want any of you intruders to make a Newlyweds joke, so…. Newlyweds: Ilnaz and Cord (just rolls of your tongue, don’t it?). Even though because I really love him, I wouldn’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do. The reality show, not marrying me. Fuck you.

Either Tila Tequila, or I Love New York, because those sluts will probably need another mate to consume. New York will definitely scar him for life, he’ll be another Pretty!

The Real World, Gentrified: Williamsburg. This is the story of 5 trust fundies, 2 art students, 3 fashion students, 4 “creatives” and one bum’s attempt at sharing an unheated loft space together. See what happens when hipsters stop being nice, and start getting even less real. First episode: just how passe are black skinny jeans?

Big Brother. I bet Cord would be sly and capricious.

I knew it! Elle does work for E!

There’s NOOOO way Elle works for E! See how deftly she segues to that site on every post? I believe she really DOES love it and wants everyone to be happy.
I mean, like, OMG, ‘I checked out the new eonline website and it IS super easy to comment with and they really ARE up to date’. She was RIGHT! I’d like my eonline check mailed to my PO box, thankyouverymuch.

Biggest loser just to see if he can go from 135lbs to 134 lbs.

No! She’s been so subtle over the weeks, I wasn’t sure at first, but I think I might be right.

OMX. The E-pimpers are going to take over.

The bachelor…Cord Jefferson edition. Hmmm…..I wonder who would be the first to sign up.

Jon & Kate plus eight….babysitter, Cord.

lisa, i just almost fell out of my chair laughing. cut it out, you’re too much. i’ll pee.

Super Nanny

I would like to see him on Pimp My Ride. Because I heard that he possibly is riding the New York Subways and that just bothers this mother’s heart.

(I live in California and have no idea about the subways, but hear all kinds of bad things.)

Let’s get him a nice car.

Also, is there some kind of “Rock of Cord” that we could do? And of course, Ilnazhad would win his heart after many weeks of trepidation and
fingernail chewing on my part.

(We all knew that ilnazhad would win, but there was this little slut…and she got eliminated FINALLY. She was just there to promote the drama.)

Then, there could the spin off like the “Scott Baio is Pregnant” show.

I sense a media darling in the making.

Just do yourself and all of us a favor, learn from your many predecessors. They all stayed in the spotlight too long. Get your spotlight thrills, and make your profits, then get out.

Just get out in time, before you have to oil your daughter’s butt for attention. (I’m looking at YOU, the Hulk.)

Ax men, Temptation Island or The Hills. I couldn’t decide.

Oh Oh!!! 10 years younger.

How about Paris Hilton’s reality show, it would be fun to watch Cord suffer endlessly under her control.

Americaa Next Top Model!!!
Fierce

farmer wants a wife.

think country life would suit him. everyone needs a change.

i would like to see how snarky he gets with no food - I vote for survivor. As an added bonus, he’d probably have his shirt off a lot. yum.

Gay, Straight or Taken, obviously.

Anthony Bourdain’s NO RESERVATIONS!

These are hysterical.

I guess if it’s to put Cord on an already-existing show, my vote would be Paradise Hotel. Or maybe like a take off on Charm School and Cord could go around schooling Hollywood idiots, neo-nazis, etc. on how to be decent human beings.

thanks, andrew.

I would have liked to see him on that show that the Miss America contestants were on. He would berate them for thier fake tans and that they are the antithesis of what should be valued in America. He would be the Simon Cowell for pretty people.

So my friend thinks Cord looks like Justin Timberlake and blah thinks his personality is akin to Simon Cowell’s. Yet I hear my heart chime, my love has stood the test of grime, and th… OMX. BLAH!!! A dude just loomed over my shoulder and told me “You’re like a blackberry. I could eat some of you all day.” And I made a “ew”-face, but I really, really like blackberries. What a sick, sick, sweet pea. AWew.

HOLY BALLS. SO MUCH FUCKED UP SHIT HAPPENED TODAY AND MY HOTMAIL IS NOT WORKING HERE. BLAH, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT FUCKING DIRTY POINT SYSTEM? WELL, keep guessing.. because I can’t tell you now. Where are you Someone Haiku…

I need some fucking catharsis

ilnazhad: I hear there’s a lot of catharsis to be and in mailing dead animals to the object of your obsession. Not that I condone such practices, just saying…

that should read “…to be had in mailing…”

It took me until now to realise you meant Oh My Xenu, when you say OMX, ilz. I’m slow!

Ilz, you should have said, “BLACKberry? What are you, racist?” Yeah it makes no sense, but whatev. It makes me laugh.

I didn’t even get OMX, because I stopped at the M. I was like, what is mae talking about, the whore? Then I looked up and, gosh durn it, thar it wuz.

I knew him pretty well in college, and I’m pretty sure his second biggest nightmare would be an atmosphere in which he gets dirty and can’t have his eyebrows regularly groomed…. how about a Simple Life remake?? :)

Knew who?! I’m so confused!

Fantasy men don’t get their eyebrows groomed, Caitlin. They just don’t.
ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNYHOOOOOOWWW
IM SO FUCKED UP. I GOT ASKED TO THE FUCKING PROM BY 2 ASSHOLES AND I GOT NERVOUS AND SAID YES. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO. BUT I DID GOOD ON MY AP PRACTISE TEST. So it’s all good.
Would it be mean to just not show up? They’re the psychos that were like “i heard the rugby game was awful. I heard it was like an ass rape. I heard it was like 3 black men on a white woman.” WHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Plus, one of them kept making passes, and I’m like “this is hard to say, but I actually have a penis” and they told their friends. This is my favourite school day ever. Seriously. Someone was like “what they did to you was really mean.” Should I tell her I don’t actually have a penis. YOU IDIOT, MY PANTS ARE LIKE A SECOND SKIN. This is so fun.

Ilz, that is awesome. You work your penis, girl! If it were me, I would start hitting on everyone. Really pretend you have one. Lower your voice sometimes. Make the guidence counselor force them all to watch a vid on whatever you are (pick if you are pretending to be a girl, or a hermaphrodite). Oh, the sweet, sweet torture you can inflict. Anyhow, wear a shirt that says “my date’s a racist” to the prom.

Correction: Racist/sexist/homophobe.

“my date is a future sexual predator”

“my date has a date with the sex offender registry in the future”

too much?

or you could go vintage and just wear one of those “I’m with stupid” tee shirts. I have one.

Sorry I didn’t respond earlier, Lisa, people were making me face reality. Yuck.
Regarding your question (Why can’t I access my e-mail? Does hotmail work for you?) the girl actually thinks I have a dick and she’s sorry they told others. Anyhow, I have to make this feel real. Would I have a veiny penis? Would it kind of stick upwards? Why are vaginas so boring compared to cock? Why does my dad hate me? Oh, I guess I know the answer to the last one.
And, no, they didn’t ask me as a joke (ouch, though, babe). I know this makes me sounds like I’m a pussy… but I get really shy when it comes to babies and whatever and love and stuff. (I’m trying to not sound like a pussy.) Flirting spooks me. I look at the floor, turn red, mumble, spill drinks, all those abashing cliches… but it’s even worse than that..
At that stupid 80s party (I was like the only one who went in costume… I had tiger-print, velcro, shiny leggings on and I had to walk home with people in American Eagle..), some weirdo 20-year-old asked for my number and I’m like “we should dance to I Wear My Sungla-” and I ran out of the room. It’s worse when I like the dude… This cute, dorkie, long-time crush of mine asked me out and I was like “Are you a virgin? It’s cool if you’re not, but if you used to sleep around, I can’t be attracted to you. Hahahah… That movie! Virgins. I love em’!” And then I crawled under the table and ran away.
This won’t stay funny for long… Whatever, I have a shitty demographic, anyway.
My psychiatrist is trying to make me deal with these issues, but how am I trust someone with such a squeaky voice? (I was kidding there about not trusting him. Yes, just there.)
I pissed off all my friends this week (NOT MY FAULT THEY ARE FEMINIST FAILURES (kidding)) and so much warped shit has happened, but I don’t want to talk with them right now because they kept teasing this girl and they use the word “wigger.” DON’T THEY READ MOLLYGOOD?!!! XENU!

Holy balls.
Guess I should just call my friends up.

LISAAAAAAAAAAA. My mom is timing me. Respond. Oh, and I decided I have a really veiny dick!

I love ilnazhad, with all my heart.

That is all.

Rock of Love. cause the hilarious skanky hos who’d show up gushing how much they love the Cord!!!! :D