Tonight's the big night: American Idol will try to raise over $100 million for charity by pimping out Brad Pitt and punishing the world with a Teri Hatcher performance. Whitney will be there to guide you through the process tonight on Mollygood, because she is the only person who is excited about this fiasco.

7:30 p.m. Ryan Seacrest greets us, along with 3,000 awkward people who jump up all at once, arms flailing around. Yay, orphans! THIS … is Idol Gives Back!

7:31 p.m. Oops, the channel got changed somehow and So You Think You Can Dance? is showing. Nevermind, the top 8 just came out for a big "Please Don't Stop the Music" group sing. I'm confused. Why are the dancers humping the Idols from behind? Papa Archuleta surely didn't sign off on this.

7:34 p.m. Phew, it's over — now they are dance-marching off the stage. Oh, Ryan. Please don't dance.

7:38 p.m. George Lopez and Kylie Minogue ask us to donate. I realize this is going to be a long two and a half hours.

7:40 p.m. Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife brings a bunch of people on stage to beg for your money. I tune her out.

7:42 p.m. AH! Why did they bring Ben Stiller back this year? Ben rambles about Whitney Houston and made-up numbers. Not funny, but the audience gives some charitable pity laughs.

7:44 p.m. Snoop Dogg continues showing up in places he shouldn't — first The View and now IGB. His stage partner is wearing an awesome bedazzled fedora. They should sell those and donate the profits to charity.

7:46 p.m. Kobe Bryant asks for your money. What happened to his face? I feel out of the loop.

7:50 p.m. Pro-wrestler Triple H tries to scare you into donating your money. I doubt any of the Idol viewers even know who the guy is.

7:51 p.m. Paula and Randy take the stage to awkwardly read lines off the teleprompter. Paula manages to hold it together for 30 seconds. The two show us a video clip from an LA neighborhood. A little kid tells them that he's afraid to go outside because there might be a drive-by shooting. Oh, no. Now the kid is crying. I can't start shedding tears this early in the program.

7:54 p.m. Carrie Underwood and James Denton do some sketch where he tries to fix her pipes and Teri Hatcher gets jealous. To retaliate, Teri forces us to listen to her take on Carrie's "Before He Cheats." How are people going to donate when they are forced to turn off their televisions?

7:57 p.m. Mary Murphy does that awful ear-piercing shriek of hers in an effort to threaten us into donating. Seriously, producers. This is not the way to go.