• See, your honor? She's a saint. [DListed]
• I'm guessing Snoop Dogg was not captain of the debate team. [SH]
• Borat was supposed to look like Freddy Mercury? [Glitterati]
• No more kids means more bar time. Score! [ASL]
• The answer is five. Five movies until they start highlighting the girl's boobs. [BWE]
• Oprah's for Obama. I say put Oprah on the ticket and run a "Double O for '08" campaign. That can't lose. [Jossip]
More great haikus over the weekend. Though I found it difficult to not award a solid Malcolm X reference with the blue ribbon, today's winner is cinekat, whom I believe is also Someone Haiku's first two-time winner:
Here's the gospel truth:
Do as you would be done by
(unless ratings rise).
Nicely put, cinekat.
New Someone Haiku is after the jump.
Whenever I hear some jackass screaming, "Niggers are noisy, primitive, arrogant and obsessed with conspicuous consumption," I'm sickened by the hate. But then I'll come across photos like these depicting a few of the world's most recognizable black millionaires brandishing bottles of expensive liquor and literally throwing away money, and I'm even more sickened by the betrayal.
Basically, the scourge of the Revolutionary War was sad, but Benedict Arnold was sadder.
[Source]
Due to a rather rambling argument that took place mid thread, the Headline on Your Shoulders response on Friday was a bit stunted. Nevertheless, there were several good entries, the best of which came from Celebrity Hack:
$10 Million is a Small Price to Pay When Compensating for Erectile Dysfunction
Cheers, CH!
New HOYS is after this jump.
When people call homely women in no makeup and track suits "drag queens," they're just being dicks, because everyone knows no self respecting drag queen steps out of the house in anything less than a five inch heel. However, when you're spotted at the club with a fake tan, dyed hair, gallons of eyeliner, heavily plucked eyebrows, augmented breasts, gold heels and a sexy pose, you really do look like a drag queen; and while it's still dick to call you that, at least it's accurate.
[Source]
Saccharine screamer Ty Pennington, whose fame already rests on a fairly dubious foundation, now faces DUI charges that are sure to tarnish his image even more.
"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" star Ty Pennington was arrested early Saturday morning in Los Angeles on suspicion of being under the influence of alcohol and drugs while driving.The hottie carpenter, who got his start on the TLC hit "Trading Spaces," was arrested at 12:35 AM. He was released two hours later after posting $5000 bail.
Seeing someone at a social gathering whom you used to sleep with on a regular basis will never not be a little awkward. The best thing to do is acknowledge them immediately and go on about your own business for the rest of the evening. Of course, if said someone looks absolutely gorgeous, try to not let people catch you making the "Why did I dump her?" face.
[Source]
• Brittany Murphy marries the Oliver Platt-ish bard who penned that astonishing work Factory Girl. [Us]
• Most of the time Paris gets pulled over, it's because the cops want to hit on her (no, seriously, she's saying this shit). [Yeeeah]
• Speaking of which, BWE takes you through the Paris case mistake by mistake. Clearly, not her fault. [BWE]
• Did you know Jessica Simpson has big boobs? [HT]
• What's that shirt still doing on, pal? [ICYDK]
• Goofball David Arquette likes weed? Next thing people will be saying Lohan likes coke. [CityRag]
• The New York Times delving in to the lives of affluent New Yorkers! What a rare delight! [NYT]
Aside from the torture, forced labor and reliance on foreign aid for food, the main reason North Korea should adopt capitalism is that, without it, it's going to be very difficult for the beautiful women of the country to become heartless, millionaire bombshells aboard private jets, which Yunjin Kim is proving to be a good look. As of now, they're stuck with a heartless, millionaire bomb-er, and he's definitely not good looking.
[Source]
Paris Hilton is calling her 45 day jail sentence "cruel and unwarranted," despite the fact that her predicament is actually "fair and justified."
And now, two days after being accused of dereliction of duty in court, Elliot Mintz, Paris' longtime publicist whom she claims falsely told her she was allowed to drive on her suspended license, has resigned. He told TMZ:
I believe when stated in court that she believed it was o.k. for her to drive under certain circumstances she was being absolutely truthful. Due to this misunderstanding, I am no longer representing Paris.
[Source]
Thank goodness for British GQ, for without it, Victoria's Secret models might never have been given their time in the sun. But now, after seeing the magazine's new 16-page pictorial (or is it commercial?), you can sleep easy knowing that the pert-assed models of the world are still hugging each other, wearing matching jackets, yelling, giving peace signs and drinking through straws. Hallelujah.
Well, here's that video footage Page Six reported on last week. Newsflash: Lindsay Lohan does drugs (hard to believe, I know), and some weaselly backstabber in her inner circle obtained the grainy, questionable evidence to prove it; and just 20 days after Lindsay had checked out of rehab.
The source of the video revealed some other striking news:
"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out."But Lindsay is not only addicted to booze and drugs, she is also hooked on sex with some of Hollywood's hottest men, says our insider.
"She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco," admitted the friend.
"She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month.
"The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, ‘Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine.'"
PS If this news is at all "shocking" to you, you're sadder than and underage starlet blowing huge rails off of toilet seats with "her boobs hanging out."
[Source]
Quite a good week here at MollyGood, but it's been an even better weekend. I hope you were delighted by the fact that our criminal justice system hasn't yet gone fully to the birds and, if the feeling moved you, I hope you partook in many Mint Juleps and Margaritas.
Best,
Cord
PS Above is "If I Ever Feel Better" by Phoenix. It's one of my favorite songs. Enjoy!
Just because some people don't like shitty poetry...
Let's get down to brass tacks here, people: That is exactly what someone with a penis would say.
Going to the mall, eating yogurt, talking about boys, bitch...please.
I think it's her.
His wife.
His party.
Now.
I thought my embarrassment was private.
Save me from myself.
Once we are able to be jealous, we don't need to see it all the time.
Because there is a God! Paris "Fuck You" Hilton is going to fuckin' jail, brother!
Los Angeles Superior Court judge Michael Sauer sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail for violating her terms of probation. She was ordered to report to jail on June 5th.Earlier this year Hilton was given three years probation stemming from a September arrest for drunk and reckless driving. She pleaded no contest to the first arrest. Police stopped her in January and she was told at the time she was on a suspended license, even signing to a document acknowledging the fact. She was again stopped in February while driving down Sunset Boulevard without headlights.
Fact: We need to keep America's roads safe, regardless of whether or not the drunk drivers are ripping past their family's hotels.
[Source]
• Live action Super Mario? Genius. [BWE]
• What do you buy that girl that costs 50 mill? [TMZ]
• TMZ called Shawn Carter "Jigga Man" even when they thought his plane went down. That's not exactly what this story is about, but I thought I should mention that. [DListed]
• MySpace feuds are the new slap fight. [IDLYITW]
• Jessica Biel in Elle. [Glitterati]
• Yet another baby afraid of words—this one's so scared they wrote a book about it. [SH]
I'm not sure from whence this odd backlash against Someone Haiku comes, but I'm equating it to being 12 and having the kid who's already shaving call you a "pussy" and smack your Shel Silverstein book to the ground. Fuck that kid.
Today's winner is ertarox, who composed one of the best entries we've ever seen:
would stars leave real tips
instead of their fingertips
mom's dignity spared
Very nice, ertarox.
New Someone Haiku after this jump.
'Twas a healthy round of Headline on Your Shoulders, and everyone followed the rules and avoided prison rape jokes (too easy and violent). The only questionable entry was someone who called Paris Hilton "irreverent," but I'm going to grant some leeway and assume they meant "irrelevant."
Today's winner is CDD:
Mollygood readers dare her to try her "n*gger/f*ggot" spewing and mocking of poor people while in jail
While CDD went with more of paragraph than a headline, it wins simply because the thought of Paris screaming "nigger" in a LA County prison was too good to ignore, especially with statistics on our side.
New HOYS after this jump.
Dear Carrie,
I can't remember if it was during one of your bitching sessions with Miranda or Charlotte or one of your bitching sessions with Stanford or one of your bitching sessions in your column or one of your internal monologue bitching sessions that people could actually hear, but at some point on the boat ride in the stormy ocean of stupidly expensive shoes and bitching that is dating you, I came to one undeniable conclusion: Fuck this.
I like Aidan now. He and I are getting fat in Hawaii and playing with cool birds. And guess what: no bitching!
See you never,
Mr. Big (Do you even know my real name?)
Were it her decision, Pamela Anderson says she would put Scarlett Johansson on the next cover of Playboy, a magazine she has made a record 12 appearances in.
[Anderson] says, "Scarlett Johansson would definitely be my number one choice. But I doubt she would agree to do it. On the other hand it's kind of cool to be on the cover of Playboy, but on the other hand, for many actresses, it's not at all."
Wait, now there's diamonds around the whole band? What's that all about? Is that so that even while getting change back from the Gucci cashiers or waving bye to your maids they'll know how fucking rich you are?
[Source]