Amy Winehouse is back! The more tragic (and British) version of Britney Spears has had an exciting past few days, including a bad move with London police and a trip to rehab, kinda. People are calling it rehab, but she's expected to be released within the week, so that doesn't make much sense.

Apparently police had summoned Amy to answer questions related to assault claims (she hit a female fan). Because she didn't show up, the authorities are threatening arrest — but we all know that's not going to happen. Instead, she did this:

Glassy-eyed and wearing a Hilda Odgen-style head-scarf, Amy was carted off cackling and grinning through stained teeth to her latest London clinic. … American pal Blake Wood helped her into the cab which ferried her away as she rolled around in the back.

The reason for her hospitalization? According to her enabler father, Mitch, she has a "chest infection." We're sure that's it.

[Source]

A reader commented yesterday on the mysterious absence of Amy Winehouse, optimistically chalking it up to a potential trip to rehab. Unfortunately for the world, we were wrong — she's just holed up in her home, granting bizarre interviews to French journalists over an intercom. She mainly talks about loving and missing her Blake Incarcerated and ends the interview by awkwardly suggesting everyone worry about themselves instead of Amy. Yeah, cause she's clearly got her life under control.

File this under We Could Have Told You That a Long Time Ago: New reports are claiming that Amy Winehouse may be suffering from brain damage — more specifically, schizophrenia — thanks to her multiple drug overdoses, which have included two in the past year or so. In August 2007, Amy binged on crystal meth, heroin and cocaine; this past July she was hospitalized after a "36-hour marijuana marathon that left her in convulsions." Wait, the same incident that her father claimed was caused by a friend spiking Amy's drink with ecstasy? Interesting.

'[Her father's] "explanation" for Amy's hospital dash in July was just simply untrue,' [a] Winehouse pal said. 'She had smoked an inhuman amount of hash which resulted in acute cannabis poisoning. You have to take a s***load of pot to to suffer that severe reaction. It is thought she had been smoking it for 36 hours.'

So this means … Mitch Winehouse lied? This is devastating.

[Source]

Not content with letting her husband soak up all the spotlight, Amy Winehouse's mother has weighed in with her theories on the singer's recent hospitalization.

The truth is that Amy ended up in hospital this week because she mixed up the medication she's taking to help her come off drugs. She took a wrong tablet.

I really don't think she's using now. Being diagnosed with the early stage of emphysema was a real jolt to her. A bit of a wake-up call. Mind you, I think she does have the odd sneaky cigarette. Give her a break, she's not a miracle worker.

Poor Amy doesn't seem to stand a chance, seeing as how "crazy" and "delusional" run in her family.

[Source]

We knew there was quite a bit of fiction to Amy Winehouse's rep's claim that the singer was hospitalized Monday night due to a reaction to her anti-drug medication. Luckily for us, Mitch Winehouse, Amy's father, is around to feed us even more lies.

See, his theory on the drug addict's latest hospital visit is that her drink was spiked with ecstasy by a random person. But why stop there? It could have been a ghost — or perhaps a bird flew by and dropped something in the drink. The possibilities are endless! Anyway, he called the police to make sure they knew about the situation, at which point the cops presumably laughed in his face.

Good luck on your hunt for the perpetrator, Mitch. While you're at it, why don't you go look for the person who got your daughter wasted on booze and (most likely) drugs this past weekend and forced her to stumble around town barefoot?

[Source]

It's a shame Amy Winehouse isn't worried about her health because we are instead treated to her father's public cries for attention. The latest statement from Mitch Winehouse informs all of us that Amy could die of emphysema. Sure, he said that last time — and it was just as unnecessary then as it is now, but it's worth a second listen:

My biggest fear is that she would die, but she won't die of a drug overdose. It won't be that quick. She would die, unfortunately, of emphysema. We would be talking about a very slow and painful death, gasping for air.

I would ask any people who would supply her with substances to think on that. … I want people to understand — even if they give her one cigarette, they're causing her harm.

That's nice to keep blaming others for your daughter's problems, Mitch, but what about when Amy supplies herself with cigarettes, as always seems to be the case? Whose fault is that?

[Source]

Amy Winehouse's recent hospitalization was evidently the best thing to ever happen to her, according to her father, Mitch. The troubled singer is reportedly not suffering from tuberculosis, but she has a host of other problems, including emphysema and looming death. Mitch breaks it down for us:

With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70 percent lung capacity.

When we got to the hospital a room was ready. Several doctors came in and checked to make sure she didn't need any emergency treatment. They put her on a drip straight away because she was dehydrated. She said, 'Don't worry about me, dad. I know I've got to stop taking drugs now.'

Here's hoping she actually means it.

[Source]

In news that's not really news, Amy Winehouse has been thrown in the hospital after passing out in her home. Raise your hand if you're surprised. We have to hand it to her rep, though, for making lemonade out of the drug-infused lemons handed to her by Amy:

Amy was at home this afternoon when she briefly fainted. Fortunately, her manager's assistant was there to stop her falling.

She quickly recovered and her father Mitch took her to hospital as a precaution. Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests.

We don't want to make any embarrassing assumptions, but perhaps she fainted because her body hates her rampant drug use?

[Source]

• The Democratic presidential nomination process, summed up in eight short minutes. [SH]

• Amy Winehouse's father thinks she should have a baby to stay off the drugs. Because we saw how well caring for another living thing worked out for Pete Doherty and his cats. [DListed]

• It's safe to say Anne Hathaway should probably breakup with her sketchy boyfriend. [TMZ]

• Paris Hilton and her stupid reality show went to Vegas, where we're sure the remaining contestants fit right in amongst the tramps and STDs. [PS]

• File this under Best Idea Ever: Brokeback Mountain will be turned into an opera. [Us]

No, it's not Halloween: Amy Winehouse's beautiful face greeted a young girl who stopped by in search of an autograph. Despite the obvious concern for this little girl, we are also troubled that the man in the picture is identified as her father, Mitch. Hey, Mitch, you think you might get around to controlling your disaster of a daughter?

[Source]

Amy Winehouse, 24 and often on the floor, has become such a wreck that her father, Mitch, is now closely following her every move. Crack dealers are scared of grown-ups, so this could get her life back on track. What a glamorous life pop stars have!

[Source]

Amy Winehouse's father has proven himself a cold-hearted realist (calculating bastard?) by asking his daughter to relinquish control of her finances to him so that, in the event of her death, her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, won't receive an ill-gotten windfall.

Mitch has told a friend he fears Blake's influence will see Amy overdosing or committing suicide if he leaves or cheats.

“It makes me sick, he's the reason she'll die. I'm not going to see him get everything that she worked so hard for,” he told the friend.

Where was this fastidious parenting when it came time to tell your daughter not to do heroin, Mr Winehouse? Mr Winehouse, where are you going?

[Source]