IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME "[Larry] Birkhead will be showing off his parenting skills in a new reality show, to air on E! in 2009. He says Tori Spelling (who stars on So noTORIous with husband Dean McDermott) convinced him to do the show, telling him: 'Dean and I will support you. Why not? Your life is out there anyway.'"

Larry Birkhead, explaining why he made the creepy decision to pay almost $3,000t at an auction for Anna Nicole's old lingerie:

I have a lot of history I have to put together that [daughter Dannielynn] doesn't really know about. … You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road.

[Source]

By popular demand: William Shatner's preposterous live cover of Elton John's "Rocket Man." Can you believe the 70s? The ambitious art! The smoking wherever you damn well pleased! The willingness of large crowds to indulge drug-induced madness! We'll say it again: we were born much too late.

After the jump, the sad degree to which public benders have fallen.

CONTINUED »

It's been over a year since the deaths of Anna Nicole Smith and her son, Daniel, but somehow the family remains in the news. This time, Larry Birkhead testified in the Bahamas during the inquest involving Daniel's sudden death in September 2006.

Birkhead testified that in April 2006, Anna realized some of her Methadone was missing in her Studio City home. Birkhead said Anna had surveillance cameras in the house, checked them and found video proof that Daniel and his buddies were the culprits.

While Birkhead was under oath, he was asked about statements he made to the cops back in 2006, when he was at war with Anna. He had told police he saw Howard K. Stern smoke pot with Anna and Daniel. During his testimony, Birkhead said he was not completely clear on what he saw.

Birkhead said Daniel's personality completely changed between January 2006 and May. He saw Daniel throw a TV through a window. Daniel often stayed out all night long and Anna was worried.

Larry then went on to pose with baby Danielynn on the witness stand and sold the pictures to OK! magazine.

[Source]

• "The Most Anticipated Motion Picture of the Year" [DListed]

• There's nothing wrong with looking like Ozzy. Just don't snort ants like Ozzy. [CityRag]

• There's a new bra from Victoria's Secret called the BioFit Uplift, which, for the first time ever, makes us scared of breasts. [HT]

• Victoria Beckham is getting a new reality show on which she'll dress people like her. Greaaaaaaaaat. [INO]

• Heather Mills' father says she's "being greedy," which is going to make Thanksgiving awkward.[ICYDK]

• Ashlee Simpson doesn't even understand Ashlee Simpson's music: "Uh, the best line in the song is, uh… you know… the, the, uh, ‘come over’ line…. uhderdalahlahmm… ahh, oh, like I’m desperate?… um… it’s pretty genius…it’s um… I'm not over it so come over… um…. pretty genius…" [Yeeeah]

In an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, Mollygood looks to poetry with Someone Haiku. Each day – using 17 syllables or less – you’re given the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that’s washed up on the shores of Mollygood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that’s devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.

Today's Someone Haiku winner is sskmstr:

Starlet addictions
Multiply deadly puffs with
cigarette death star

Cigarette death star? Well done.

New one after the jump.

CONTINUED »

Friday was the anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith's death, and her hangers-on are still finding ways to sell her out. It's like looking into the future, except instead of Larry Birkhead it's Kevin Federline, and instead of Howard K. Stern it's Sam Lutfi.

Anna's former bodyguard, Big Moe, is the latest to give his story and share new "shocking" details, like the fact that Larry Birkhead is probably gay. Duh.

'Because of how Larry looked, she figured, oh my child would look great,' Big Moe told Access Hollywood's Tony Potts. 'Blonde hair, blue eyes, you know, "Go great with me and my baby will come out beautiful."'

'So basically, from what she told you and what you’re telling me is that Anna looked at Larry as a sperm donor to get a really beautiful child?' Tony asked.

'That's it,' Big Moe said.

Big Moe also claims Anna told him that due to his 'lifestyle' there would be no strings attached.

'What's his lifestyle?' Tony asked.

'Well, she told me that, you know, he was a homosexual,' Big Moe said. 'She knew deep down that he didn't want to be with her.'

Look, we're not doubting that Larry plays for the other team, but just because a guy didn't want to touch Anna Nicole with a 10-foot pole doesn't mean he's gay.

[Source]

A year ago today, Anna Nicole Smith died. And what better way to acknowledge the anniversary of her death than with an all-caps ploy for media attention?

Larry Birkhead posted this moving desperate message on his Web site:

I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF OUR BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL. PLEASE WATCH OVER US AND GUIDE US ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE. WE MISS YOU.

2-8-07

LOVE,

LARRY AND DANNIELYNN

[Source]

Throughout Britney Spears' revolting descent into madness, one thing that remained consistent was her ostensible solitude. That's not to say she was ever by herself, but being around people is different from not being alone. Where were her agents, record execs and brand managers to literally grab her by her fried hair – when she still had it – and force her into reality?

Maybe they sat on their hands because they didn't know she would become so far gone. But maybe they did nothing because they knew they could line their pockets with her insanity. According to Portfolio magazine, for many people, a restless, tormented Britney is worth a lot more than a levelheaded one.

CONTINUED »

As if life won't be difficult enough for hard-won meal ticket Dannielynn Birkhead, now comes news that she's cross-eyed, and her father, Lawrence Birkhead, is wary of corrective surgery.

"I'm going to do everything to make sure that it's corrected," says Birkhead, "but having lost Anna and [her son] Daniel and my dad – my dad just came out of a simple surgery and he died – it's just tough for me to think about surgeries with [Dannielynn]."

How did her eyes even get like that? Not, swears Larry, through any fault of Dannielynn's pill-popping late mother, Anna Nicole Smith. "…I point-blank [asked] every single doctor, 'Could any medications that Anna was on have caused this?'" said the too-blond man, "And they said that it's more likely that a genetic reason could have caused it."

We suppose that's good news, but perhaps Larry was barking up the wrong vice:

CONTINUED »

What a year of decadence and depravity in Hollywood, huh? Throughout the last 12 months, Lindsay Lohan went to rehab and jail, Britney Spears went to rehab, Paris Hilton went to jail, Nicole Richie went to jail, Kiefer Sutherland went to jail, Michelle Rodriguez went to jail and Anna Nicole Smith died.

We'll probably never know for sure exactly what the hell is wrong with these people (we assume it's a combination of too much fame and money and too little education), but we're almost certain their steady decline into mediocrity, criminality and early graves will not cease in 2008. The question is who will falter this year, and in what way.

Here, let us make some predictions:

CONTINUED »

• "You've got hate mail!" [Queerty]

• Marie Osmond is said to have faked fainting to attract sympathetic Dancing voters. Liar, liar, secret underwear on fire! [DListed]

• Twiggy's snapped off of ANTM. [EBG]

• What's independent or spirited about Zach Braff? [PS]

• Impossibly, someone's found a way to be worse than Victoria Beckham. [HT]

• Johnny Depp sports the Canadian tuxedo in London. [INO]

• John Cusack has signed on to play an angry, lovestruck American in China in a period drama. How exciting for fans of very specific story lines. [ICYDK]

• Brendan Fraser, please have some dignity. [Yeeeah]

• Anna Nicole Smith's last living child is not yet stricken with unbelievable grief and anger, but give it time. [CityRag]

Just in time for Dannielynn Birkhead's first birthday, further evidence surfaces suggesting that her father, Larry Birkhead, might not always have her best interests in mind. To be sure, deciding to impregnate a self-destructive, zonked-out husk like Anna Nicole Smith like he did proves that he didn't have the baby's best interests in mind from her genesis, but new testimony from his former bodyguard claims it's worse than you think:

"Larry and I went to Nassau for over a week in January of this year. One day he said he wanted to go to Daniel's grave, ostensibly to pay tribute to him on his birthday. But it turned out he had another idea. He said, 'We're going to meet two guys from Splash [Photo Agency].'

"They had arranged to wait in some bushes at the cemetery. They took pictures of Larry pretending to be sad and emotional at the grave site. Only the Splash guys weren't quite satisfied, so they asked him to do it again, and for me to get out of the picture. We did three takes. That was the first sign to me that Larry was in it for the money."

After three takes, that should have been the third sign, guy.

[Source]

Larry Birkhead appeared on Larry King Live last night to address the allegations that he and the more ghoulish of the Howard Sterns were once lovers, he also vehemently denied that there is video evidence attesting to a tryst. Of Rita Cosby's book, Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith’s Death, the wellspring of the accusations, Birkhead twangs out that it should be "sittin' next to Harry Potter in the fiction aisle." Damning!

While we're not quick to take sides on such a foreign and trivial matter, we will say that we've never known Rita Cosby to be a liar. Cliff raised her better than that.

[Source]

One would be hard-pressed to say that Anna Nicole Smith did a single respectable thing her whole life. To be sure, her public persona was one of the most laughable in Hollywood, and, nowadays, that is saying a tremendous amount. But as tacky as she was, it seems even tackier to use her short life as the foundation for an ostensibly C-movie before her soul has even made it halfway to Hell. Though I suppose this disgrace is mitigated by the fact that only idiots with no power over me will bear witness to it.

PS Is there any legal way to get rid of that flirty, mincing pockmark Bobby Trendy?

More pictures from the set after the jump.

CONTINUED »

• "I'm headed eastbound leading your hair space." Brilliant, really. [BWE]

• Are they finally getting stars on Dancing With the Stars? (I mean, come on, Clyde Drexler?)

• Jessica Simpson can breathe through her nose. Now to get her to think through her brain. [HT]

• Oddly, Sharon Stone's adopted children look like they could be her real children. Where's her Asian one? [ICYDK]

• Why does he bark like a dog if he kills dogs? Is he self-loathing? [Yeeeah]

• For real fun, take acid and watch Inland Empire in a room of mirrors and demon figurines. [CityRag]

• I know who bored me. [DS]

Think there's anyvway we could seize Dannielynn before she can remember anything and put her in the charge of some loving parents in a quaint Ohio town? Somewhere where she would never have to know her mother was a drug-addled gold digger and she could concentrate on her schoolwork. It would be great publicity for the idea that a healthy respect for competent authority and a college education are sometimes far more beneficial to children than being raised by their "real daddy," regardless of what they say on Maury.

CONTINUED »

• Brad Pitt: He-Man or frat boy? [ICYDK]

• Anna Nicole Law & Order is on tonight! They don't waste any time. [TMZ]

• More talk of Jessica Simpson being a "tranny." [Yeeeah]

• Once Hefner's forgetting what year the Boobs of the Year exist in, it's time to hang up the silk robe. [HT]

• "Play lesbian"? [CityRag]

• I suggest you don't sign the "Free Paris" petition. [DH]

• Sanjaya, on I Love New York, nobody can hear you scream. [SH]