THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE • "Madonna and A-Rod were both in Mexico City over the weekend. The Yankee slugger … was south of the border teaching poor children how to bat at a new sports center in the suburb of Nezahualcoyotl Sunday. The singer performed two back-to-back shows for her Sticky & Sweet tour on Saturday and Sunday nights. When Rodriguez was asked by the Associated Press what he thought about being in the city at the same time as Madonna, he said it was 'very good.'"

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! LOVE, AL-QAEDA "Federal authorities are warning law enforcement personnel of a possible terror plot against the New York City subway system during the holiday season. An internal memo obtained by The Associated Press says the FBI has received a 'plausible but unsubstantiated' report that al-Qaida terrorists in late September may have discussed attacking the subway system."

AND BY 'MEDICATION' WE MEAN 'DRUGS' "Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital. The singer, 25, was admitted to the London Clinic on Sunday after a bad reaction to medication, her rep tells The Associated Press."

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THEY WANT YOU BACK "The Jackson 5 will reunite in 2009, eldest brother Jermaine Jackson confirmed Wednesday at a TV industry function. 'This has been a long time coming for the Jackson family to get back together,' he told the Australian Associated Press. … 'It is going to be more like a family affair, Janet's going to open and, of course, the original Jackson 5 … Michael, Randy and the whole family.'"

UH OH! "The Associated Press, one of the nation’s largest news organizations, said that it will, for the first time, attempt to define clear standards as to how much of its articles and broadcasts bloggers and Web sites can excerpt without infringing on The A.P.’s copyright."

A devastating fire ripped through Universal Studios on Sunday, damaging a mechanical King Kong exhibit, tens of thousands of historic videos and the iconic clock tower from the Back to the Future movies.

18 years ago, a blaze similar to yesterday's destroyed the same three areas of the studio, a piece of information that led some witty genius at the AP to load up his story on the disaster with lots of discussion of sequels.

It was the second fire at the historic site in nearly two decades, leveling facades, hollowing out buildings and creating the kind of catastrophe filmmakers relish re-creating.

There's your "real papers," ladies and gents.

Just two months after Associated Press employees received an e-mail proclaiming that Britney Spears is a "big deal" and demanding an increase in coverage on her, the slipping wire service – "The essential global news network" – is now also ramping up its general celebrity reporting.

…the venerable Associated Press is … hiring an additional 21 new employees in 2008 spread across Los Angeles, New York and London. … AP insists its new separate entertainment vehicle is "not about gossip, unnamed sources and innuendo … " Instead, the wire service claims it's just giving its members what they want "in an area of growing interest" because it "makes good business sense".

First order of "good business" for the widely respected news outlet: "… signing a deal to provide celebrity video for People.com."

PREPARE TO DIE "The Associated Press began preparing Britney Spears’ obituary within the past month…'We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time," [says] AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington…"