Bless Lou Pearlman's heart. The musical con artist, who is currently serving 25 years in a Florida prison for conspiracy and money laundering, is truly an inspiration to all Americans — despite the fact that he's locked up, the former manager of the likes of Backstreet Boys and 'NSync is trudging onward and forming a new boy band.
The name of the future group? Biteboy. We're not even going to touch that one.
Hopefully Biteboy's members like being robbed and molested — when he wasn't stealing money from his clients, Lou was giving the boys "creepy massages and rubbing their abs to align their auras." Sign us up!
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BYE BYE BYE "Boy band man Lou Pearlman — the guy who made the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC famous — just got 25 years in the big house for money laundering and conspiracy, among other shady s–t."
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "That's it, I'm done — D-U-N — with these people in here. And they're gonna see a whole new side of me that they haven't seen before." — Natalie, Big Brother
AJ McLean is so hardcore, you guys. The Backstreet Boy likes to live on the edge by performing solo as his alter ego, Johnny No Name. Johnny, from what we can gather, is a massive tool — but you can learn from the master in five easy steps! All you have to do is point to the audience with intensity in your eyes, then grab your crotch, hump a mic stand, take off your shirt … and for the grand finale you show your sensitive side by playing the guitar in a leopard print tank. The ladies, they love it.
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Part of country singer Trace Adkins' task during the Celebrity Apprentice's final showdown is dealing with the Backstreet Boys. The boy banders seem to think they're still relevant, as witnessed by their list of outrageous demands at a charity event. Somehow he managed to not kill them, and for that alone he should win the title.
DON'T MESS WITH BOY BANDS "Lou Pearlman, best known for his work with boy bands like the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, struck a plea deal in his federal bank fraud case and will work with prosecutors to help recover millions of dollars he is accused of stealing. Pearlman allegedly defrauded banks out of more than $100 million and stole another $300 mil from investors."
In a world where Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block are reuniting, why not 'NSync? JC Chasez confirmed that the band will likely never reunite: "I think everybody's really excited about their own projects. Joey [Fatone] is doing a great job hosting these television shows. Obviously Justin [Timberlake] loves what he does and he's super successful at it, and rightfully so."
And who wouldn't be excited about JC's new project? He's the host of that awful Randy Jackson-hosted show on MTV — something about a dance crew? We watch Rock of Love 2 every Sunday night, but even we won't subject ourselves to that mess.
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As you might have guessed, and as the boys' parents should have known, Lou Pearlman, the businessman behind many of the most successful, supple young entertainers of the 1990s, was also an alleged child molester. After describing Pearlman as "hog-fat," today's Page Six excerpts damning testimony taken from an upcoming Vanity Fair piece on the predatory boy band mastermind and his victims.
"I would absolutely say the guy was a sexual predator. All the talent knew what Lou's game was," Steve Mooney, an aspiring singer who was Pearlman's assistant, told VF's Bryan Burrough. "Some guys joked about it. I remember [one singer] asking me, 'Have you let Lou blow you yet?' "
Mooney said he once asked Pearlman, who was known as "Big Poppa," what it would take for him to get into a band. "I'll never forget this as long as I live. He leaned back in his chair, in his white terry cloth robe and white underwear, and spread his legs," Mooney told Burrough. "And then he said, and these were his exact words, 'You're a smart boy. Figure it out.'"
Unfortunately, it doesn't end there.
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If you must, steal the Backstreet Boys' music. But for the love of a damaged recording industry that's sole gauge of success is profit, please do not spend a nickel on any more of their schlock. Please.
Dear bsbnumber1fan,
At your behest, I considered the continued, oft-annoying radio presence of the Backstreet Boys. I thought about what that meant and the Boys' "clean music" and their ticked off fans and, for a fleeting moment, I thought you might be right about them. And then I remembered that the Backstreet Boys entity is a manufactured product disguised lightly and intentionally as a band, but whose main purpose is actually to shill t-shirts. Then I stopped thinking about them, because commercials are fucking stupid.
Best,
Cord
PS This guy's 29 and still calling himself a "Boy," what does that tell you?
More of this boy after the jump.
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Doesn't this look like the 21 Jump Street of bands; like they're going to show up at a concert venue trying to trick you, going, "Hey, cool man, do you like my US Apparel hoodie? I have cool things, right?" Sorry, dudes, you're still washed-up doofs, no matter how trendy your shades are.
Lots more trying too hard after the jump.
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I guess nobody told the Backstreet Boys that their past successes have been due mostly to nostalgia, ignorance and innocence. Thus, they're still recording new music. Rest assured, it's as lousy as ever.
Sorry, guys, the race is over. Justin Timberlake won by about three years. See you on Dancing With the Stars.
Editor
