• Jessica Simpson attempts her best "sexy" face. [HT]

• "Ali Lohan is ready to follow in big sis Lindsay's musical footsteps" is not a compliment, Ali. Sorry. [INO]

• What the hell happened to Jake Gyllenhaal? [ICYDK]

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson got matching tattoos, because that's what BFFs do. [Yeeeah]

• Sacha Baron Cohen's daughter: A mini-Borat. [PS]

• The next classic Hollywood has decided to destroy: The Witches of Eastwick. We give up. [DListed]

Here's the music video for Ali Lohan's "All the Way Around." Some creative genius decided that the 14-year-old brat wasn't worth a big-budget set, so instead we're treated to a bunch of clips from Living Lohan. The reality show was bad enough the first time around, but now that it's set to this travesty of a song it's officially unbearable.

The greatest Internet-related threat to our children is not sexual predators — it's YouTube. There's just so many things wrong with this clip, which features an 11-year-old belting out Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body," that we don't even know where to begin. The kid's also got an official MySpace page, which confirms our suspicions that the parents either aren't paying any attention to him at all or they're banking on him to become the family cash cow.

Either way, it's disturbing.

Is it any wonder a guy that looks like this is writing Lindsay Lohan's new songs for her and working on Lohan lover Samantha Ronson's forthcoming album? I have no idea what kind of music this Sam Sparro makes, but good money says we should all get ready for a lot of electronic keys and a vocoder.

I'm more than willing to admit that I (loosely) fit the "hipster" mold, but that doesn't mean that I'm forbidden from saying I hate goddamn hipsters.

We weren't even aware Repo! The Genetic Opera was actually going to the movie theaters, but some quick research confirms it's still set to release in November. If anyone actually has a desire to see Paris Hilton sing and act, save yourself $8 and just watch the clip above. And then you should probably look into seeing a therapist.

For all two of you waiting around for Hayden Panettiere's debut single, here it is. The song is titled "Wake Up Call" and it sounds like something that should be played at a 7th grade dance. Vocally, she sounds better than Ali Lohan and Heidi Montag, so … that's something?

[Source]

How does a hip, knife-wielding vixen like Katy Perry get such backwards ideas about gay people despite living in Hollywood, one of the gayest places in the entire world? We can't be certain, but we think it might have something to do with the fact that in 2001, Perry was a devout Christian releasing religious albums under her real name, Katy Hudson. Here's a lyrical sampling from Hudson's "Faith Won't Fail":

For His angels surround me
And You've poured out this blood covering
And I will walk and not fail
For time and time again my faith won't fail

Might some of Hudson's reverence for the Church – particularly its notorious unwillingness to accept alternative lifestyles – exist within Perry seven years later? Could be!

Either way, a little down home homophobia isn't enough to sate Perry's pious former fans, many of whom are pissed about the tarted-up floozy she's become. Says a YouTube commenter called rayray1808:

My very best friend turned away from jesus , she was the worship leader at my church , amazing singer , now she is goth and in a band called holophonic porno , but she will come back to jesus and so will Katy .

HA! We'll end this post there.

After the jump, "Faith Won't Fail."

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So Ali Lohan's singing career is really happening, as evidenced by her first single, "All the Way Around." Ali describes the song as having a "hip-hop vibe," which leads us to wonder whether or not Ali has actually listened to hip-hop.

Above is the video for "UR So Gay," a new song from 23-year-old minister's daughter turned pop singer Katy Perry, in which she mocks an effeminate ex-boyfriend with the refrain, "You're so gay and you don't even like boys."

About the song, Perry notes, "I'm not stereotyping gay people, I'm making fun of myself. I always have my sense of humor." Hmmm, well, quite contrary, Katy Perry. Perhaps you didn't write it with the intention that it be a homophobic screed, but a song that says straight men with no balls are gay is indeed stereotyping. Got that, you doofus?

Amazing, now not even the pop stars themselves know what their shitty songs are about.

Heidi Montag just released yet another single to the masses, because we know everyone has been waiting on the edge of their seats for more "music" from the D-list loser. This one is called "One More Drink," in which she talks about getting wasted and going home with a guy. This all makes sense, because she hopes to glorify God through her music and claims to never drink alcohol, ever.

Did you know that Celine Dion once did a cover of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"? We didn't either, until yesterday when it was voted the "Worst Ever Cover Song" by Total Guitar magazine. Editor Stephen Lawson called the version "sacrilege." Click through to see if you agree. (We've also included the four other "worst" covers.)

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Good news, y'all! Heidi Montag has released yet another single, and, according to Spencer Pratt, it's "the greatest song of [his] life." The song is titled "Fashion," and Heidi even throws in a little French to make the song even more high-class. A sample of the lyrics, for those too self-respecting to listen:

I'm too fabulous / I'm so fierce that it's so nuts / I live to be model thin / Dress me, I'm your mannequin

Seriously, this has to be a joke. No sane person could listen to this travesty and actually say, "Hey, let's put this out for public consumption." Right? … Right?

We know you've been sitting on the edge of your computer chairs in anticipation of Jessica Simpson's new single. Well, it's here. Creatively titled "Come on Over," it's the type of song that would make a guy go, "On second thought … I think I'll just stay home. But thanks though. Yeah, sure, I'll call you."

Listen to it here.

[Source]

Forget the crowning moment last night on American Idol — the real magic happened a little after 9 p.m. when the producers decided it would be a great idea to bring back Renaldo Lapuz, the guy from the first round of auditions who made up a song for Simon about being brothers forever. Actually, the lyrics go, "I am your brother, your best friend forever." Deep. Naturally, Renaldo was given the Idol treatment, which included a USC marching band. Making a mockery of people: It's the American way.

Tonight ends my months-long relationship with American Idol, and for the grand 2-hour finale, I will be liveblogging the entire event from my couch. The finales are usually littered with filler, but occasionally there is an awesome moment, like this one from season five in which Clay Aiken surprises his biggest train wreck of a fan. Enjoy, and I'll see you tonight.

Simon Cowell spoke to Ellen today about the upcoming American Idol finale (he predicts David Cook will win), his harshness and, of course, FantasiaGate. The former Idol's performance on last week's results show "just sort of exploded," according to Cowell, whose commentary always perfectly sums up everything we were feeling as well.

Click through for the clip.

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What washed-up old hack was spotted slinging "Bod Light" in a bit part as a bartender on House?

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Get this: magic isn't real. Neither is being a child actor. That's why Draco Malfoy, arch nemesis of Harry Potter (at least he was the last time I cared), is practicing to be a singer.

Malfoy's muggle name is Tom Felton and his muggle songs are too saccharine for this muggle-fucker to enjoy. What do you think?