All out of ideas for relatable, real news stories about the presidential election, CNN is now shooting relatable, fake news stories about the presidential election.
You see, because many people get confused when it comes to statistics, dialectics and history, major news outlets have taken to filming segments in which correspondents say things like, "Whichever candidate's Halloween mask sells more is going to be president." Or they'll interview women like Cindy Michaels, at right, who so resembles Sarah Palin in this stupid, hateful world that she gets mean voice mails making fun of her glasses.
After the jump, a piece discussing both those things and containing an interview with a black Barack Obama supporter named John McCain. Watch it and see if you can avoid cringing at the part when all the stories collide and the correspondent asks the black McCain, who kind of looks like Obama, to wear the white McCain's Halloween mask.
An 11-year-old in [Colorado] says his first amendment rights are being trampled after he was suspended for wearing a homemade shirt that reads "Obama is a terrorist's best friend."
The boy's father Dann Dalton describes himself as a "proud conservative" who has taken part in some controversial anti-abortion protests. Dalton says the school made a major mistake by suspending his son for wearing the shirt.
"It's the public school system," Dalton says. "Let's be honest, it's full of liberal loons."
This racism is killing me inside! Yessir, the Republicans have done it again. They've gone and called Barack Obama, the well-educated, distinguished Senator running for President of the United States, "uppity."
Speaking with Politico, an anonymous (of course!) Bush insider used the tainted term while going over his keys for a McCain victory in November:
Brooke Hogan revealed why America is going downhill at a rapid pace when she appeared on Howard Stern's radio show and displayed her political knowledge. Here's a hint: She studied up on the upcoming election so she can confidently rattle off the last names of the presidential candidates, but don't ask her to be confident about Obama's first name ??? that's a tricky one. And who in their right mind would expect her to recall the name of our current vice president? That is absurd.
But there's good news: She's having her bookkeeper look into registering her to vote.
The promised Runway to Change line from the Barack Obama campaign arrived a while ago, and high-priced ($60-$70) T-shirt designs from big names have been steadily popping up on the campaign Web site for weeks.
DARLING NICKY: THE HILTON BLACK SHEEP? Hey now! Despite her sister being a vehement racist and her parents and grandparents being major McCain campaign donors, Nicky Hilton, the one whose privates you can't google, was reportedly at Barack Obama's $28,000 a plate fund raising dinner Tuesday night, seated at the same table as Leonardo DiCaprio. Wonder how daddy feels about his money becoming Obama's money?
A full rundown of the guests and their seating assignments is here.
"I got nothing good to say about Obama," Lacasse told News 13. "If I see anybody touching that sign, I got a club sitting right over there."
Lacasse put the sign on his lawn Saturday. A Korean War veteran, he said he was a registered Democrat until Obama won the nomination.
A picture of this charmer Lacasse after the jump.
BARACK'S BACK UP And he was able to do it without the help of Lindsay Lohan: "The Sept. 14-16 Gallup Poll Daily tracking update shows Barack Obama regaining a slight, although not statistically significant, edge over John McCain, 47% to 45%, among registered voters, marking the first time since the week of the Republican National Convention that McCain has not held at least a one percentage point margin over Obama."
So this little story about how Barack Obama's camp didn't want to be associated with Lindsay Lohan (and for good reason) has turned into yet another elementary school battle between the two presidential nominees.
If you'll recall, LiLo offered to host an Obama event, but was rejected because she "is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for [Barack]."
Naturally, John McCain's camp weighed in. CONTINUED »
OBAMA IS A SMART MAN "Lindsay Lohan apparently wants to help get Barack Obama get elected: B-O is telling her thanks, but no thanks. Lindz was so hyped to help Barack, she offered to host 'a series of events' for younger voters, reports the Chicago Sun-Times. But, according to a source, the rehabbing freckled freak 'is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us.'"
The Obama Campaign, whose candidate has said he'll end Don't Ask, Don't Tell as president, will be hosting a conference call this morning on the failure of the military policy regarding gays in the ranks. The call features Iraq War veteran Rep. Patrick Murphy and former three-star general in the U.S. Army Lt. Gen. (Ret.) Claudia Kennedy.
FOR THE OTHER SIDE "Sen. John McCain's record of working with Democrats easily outstrips Sen. Barack Obama's efforts with Republicans, according to an analysis by The Washington Times of their legislative records. Whether looking at bills they have led on or bills they have signed onto, Mr. McCain has reached across the aisle far more frequently and with more members than Mr. Obama since the latter came to the Senate in 2005. "
CHANGE YOU CAN FEEL IN YOUR VEINS "Two Delaware residents are giving new meaning to the term 'pushing' Obama, according to criminal drug charges filed Thursday. Fifty-two bags of heroin in bags stamped both with letters spelling out OBAMA and an image in the likeness of Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama were confiscated following a routine car stop on Interstate 95 in Upper Chichester, according to Pennsylvania State Police."
'THE VIEW' FROM THE RIGHT What a freakin' America in which some of the toughest questions political candidates are forced to face come not from the anchors on CNN, MSNBC, Fox, or from the American people themselves, but from daytime coffee klatch The View. Click here to see Barbara Walters et al very awesomely grill Senator John McCain about his bullshit claims that Obama called Palin a pig and how soon after being elected he's going to make sure women can't do with their bodies what they see fit. The orange background is funny, because we really do think this was Johnny's version of hell.
Know what? I hate modern American politics. Hate them. I think both Republicans and Democrats are to blame for them being divisive, ugly, cruel, misguided, dumbed-down, bigoted, unhelpful, fiscally shameful—all of it. That being said, looking at Mollygood over the past couple weeks, you might never be able to tell that I harbor those feelings. Allow me to explain.
YOU CAN PUT LIPSTICK ON A BULLSHIT PLAY AT VICTIM, BUT… "Sen. Barack Obama's reference to 'lipstick on a pig' has Republicans demanding an apology … McCain's campaign said Obama's remarks were offensive and a slap at Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin — despite the fact that the Arizona senator himself used the phrase last year to describe a policy proposal of Hillary Clinton's. … In Iowa last October, McCain drew comparisons between Hillary Clinton's current health care plan and the one she championed in 1993: 'I think they put some lipstick on the pig, but it's still a pig.' He used roughly the same line in May, after effectively claiming the Republican nomination." (emphasis ours)