I've been contemplating taking a college course in religion. I love religion. I remember whenever the book The Da Vinci Code came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I Tivoed and then watched eight times.
— Jessica Simpson, expecting us to believe she has to rewatch Discovery Channel specials because she actually likes them and not because it takes her multiple viewings to understand the subject matter.
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Technically, we can't say we have a crush on this kid, 9-year-old Alec Greven from Castle Rock, Colo., because that would be considered pedophilia and the last thing we need is Chris Hansen showing up on our doorstep asking all sorts of invasive questions. So instead we'll just say that Alec is a genius.
You see, Alec wrote a book detailing how to win over women — all at the ripe age of 8. The masterpiece, titled How to Talk to Girls, helps men way more than any of Mystery's techniques ever could without offending women or treating them like pieces of meat. What a concept!
After the jump, some of Alec's wise words. CONTINUED »
It's sad that at a time when Senator John McCain is doing the admirable thing and going back to his public duties, the tattered remnants of his campaign just can't seem to fade away.
Last week it was the whole Sarah Palin/Martin Eisendstadt hoax, then it was whether or not GOP apologist Bill Lieberman would be able to keep his place in the senate, and now we're into the real meat of the issue: what's going to happen to Joe the Plumber??
Don't worry guys, he's got it covered. Just like we originally guesstimated, Joe is getting his own book deal.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are still making the bookstore rounds to sign copies of their latest rip-off, Influence. With all that money they have, can't PETA's mortal enemies afford to hire a smiling coach? This is just painful.
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Scar Tissue, the upcoming HBO show about Anthony Kiedis' early years in LA, will reportedly not delve into all the intercourse with very young girls the Red Hot Chili Peppers front man wrote about in his 2004 autobiography, also called Scar Tissue. According to the New York Post, in his book, Kiedis shares sexual escapades that include bedding both a 15-year-old Ione Skye (he was 23) and a 14-year-old who liked to dress up as Marilyn Monroe, possibly while on heroin. Yahoo!
Says an HBO exec:
We did not buy the rights to his book, and we are not dramatizing the book. This project is focused on Anthony's life as an adolescent. The title, now tentatively called 'Scar Tissue,' does not refer to the book, but to the song.
See, they're not referring to the book at all, they're just referring to the song from which the book took its name and dramatizing a few stories out of the book. Way different, YOU HATERS!
IN SUMMATION: HEROIN, HEROIN, HEROIN…BAND • "Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis' 2004 autobiography, 'Scar Tissue', is set to be adapted for a new TV show on US network HBO. The show … is set to be an offbeat comedy, reports the Guardian. It will focus on the singer's early life in Los Angeles, where he lived with his father, a drug dealer to musicians in the area, plus beyond into the LA rock scene."
To our surprise and delight, there are consequences for carving great chunks out of the world's progress.
As you'll remember, some great news out of last week is that no publishing company is interested in paying good legal tender for stinky ol' George W Bush's memoirs, a sale that's been a foregone conclusion for most other modern ex-Presidents. Today, more great news: President Bush is being both ostracized AND emasculated by book publishers, as his wife, Laura, is reportedly fielding all kinds of multimillion dollar offers for her memoirs.
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For all the jokes about President Bush being borderline retarded that have been made in the last eight years, you would think that the man would leave well enough alone once he left the White House and stopped being the world's chief source of ridicule.
But no. Our 43rd commander-in-chief wants to publish his memoirs as soon as he gets out of office, despite the fact that no one is buying books in this bad economy, and no one wants to buy a book written by the guy who gave us this bad economy. So that's a double neg.
Joe the Plumber (ugh) is not signing on to do a country record deal, meaning the world will have to be bereft of his beautiful voice echoing off the walls of the Met and that chrome head of his.
Whatever, he has something better for you, America. Just because Sam "Joe" Wurzelbacher can't sing, doesn't mean he is totally without artistic merit. Just ask the guy who is going to end up ghostwriting his memoirs!
David Letterman's disdain for the guests his job requires him to interview is becoming less and less subtle, and it's an absolutely glorious thing to behold.
After the jump, watch as Letterman uses Hills star Lauren Conrad's promotional rambling to sell his book and presents her with the theory that maybe she's the reason people hate her. The host also takes some time to go off on LC's mortal enemy, Spencer Pratt. Enjoy.
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Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn, the married "terrorists" with whom Barack Obama was accused of palling around, will celebrate Barack's takeover of America in 2009 by releasing a book about the evils of white supremacy.
With all the free publicity its authors have been getting in the past few months, look for Race Course to pop up on a best seller list near you. (Wait 'til Fox News gets that thank you letter!)
Cecily von Ziegesar, the scribe of the Gossip Girl book series, looks like Laura Dern on crack in that photo. Just sayin'. But at least the lady knows her subjects: Ziegesar (mouthful) grew up in that snooty New York private school lifestyle that she puts her characters in.
How relieved were the show's creators then, to find out that Cecily not only liked the CW series based on her books, but was a 'faithful watcher' of the program as well, and had only one character complaint (and no, it isn't that Nate Archibald and Chuck Bass never acted that gay in the books):
George Hamilton revealed on the cougar talk show The View (while promoting his new memoir) that he had an affair with his stepmom when he was 12 years old.
When I was very young, 12, I had a relationship with my stepmother. Yeah. She was about 28, 30. It was very normal. My father never knew about it. It was very normal. She didn't make me feel bad about it.
He laughed when asked if he thought he was abused, saying he was very willing, despite the whole breaking the law thing: "It didn't feel abnormal."
We just threw up our lunch.
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It's no wonder Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears are such messes — with matriarch Lynne steering the girls' upbringing, they didn't have a chance. Now that Lynne's published a tell-all book to bring in the cash, she wants to turn it into a movie. And, naturally, she has the cast already selected:
Lynne Spears believes Through The Storm — which details Britney's troubles with drink, drugs and teenage sex — would be a box office smash.
Scary Movie star Anna Faris has apparently been lined up to play Britney and Lynne has Julia Roberts in mind to play the part of her.
Ba! Hahaha! Julia Roberts? To play Lynne Spears? That's the most glorious, delusional thing we've heard all day.
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Actor and apparent health expert Denis Leary is speaking out about autism in his latest book, Why We Suck: A Feel-Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid, calling the condition a "joke." You know what we think is a joke? Denis Leary opening his mouth about topics on which he is uninformed. Here's what he has to say:
There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks … to get back diagnoses that help explain away the deficiencies of their junior morons. I don't give a [bleep] what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you — yer kid is NOT autistic. He's just stupid. Or lazy. Or both.
Didn't we just go through this a couple months ago with Michael Savage? We'd ask how people manage to go through life being so ignorant, but then we are reminded of how Sarah Palin could potentially end up in the White House, and that explains a lot.
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Turns out Sarah Palin has a hero other than Davey Crocket: the governor once drove two hours to Anchorage for an opening of Ivana Trump's perfume and jewelry line:
Oh, Lynne Spears, bless her heart. The mother of three is still promoting that pathetic book, Through the Storm, this time taking her inane ramblings to The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, where she admitted that she doesn't know a heck of a lot. My mother used to always say "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck," but I'm pretty sure Lynne Spears did — the lady admits to not knowing whether Britney's first music video was too sexual or if she was doing drugs at some point in her career — and she thought Jamie-Lynn was a virgin! Ha! This, from the lady who allowed JL's boyfriend to enjoy multiple overnight visits. What did you think they were doing, Lynne?
To be fair, when Matt Lauer had Robert Kennedy Jr. on his show to talk about the "Democratic activist's" new children's book, he probably thought it was going to be a breeze. But if there is one thing they teach you in Morning Show Journalism 101, it's that you never ask a Kennedy how a family member is doing. Because then you end up stuck in that uncomfortable position as The Soup's best clip of last week:
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