For anyone interested in a Chloë Sevigny "side view of hair detail," here you go. Now how about getting face to face with the light of day and some friends?
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• Smiths reference! Can you find it? [DListed]
• Ashley Olsen takes in The Police without Lance Armstrong. Before his time? [PS]
• Sexy animals costumes are weird, because they seem to intend to promote zoophilic feelings. [HT]
• "Daddy's Little Girl" tattoo right next to the crotch. Interesting, but not! [ICYDK]
• Winehouse and Doherty: The Booziest Show on Earth! [INO]
• Paris wears a camouflage miniskirt to show solidarity with our men and women overseas. Or maybe it was just "cute." [Yeeeah]
• Get green in '08! [CityRag]
• Nick Cannon attempts to defile another beauty queen. [EBG]
• Jossip Initiatives' very own intern Whitney takes an indefensible position. Good luck, and heat up my coffee. [Queerty]
In a recent harangue to the New York Post, Vincent Gallo, perhaps best known for wishing cancer on Roger Ebert and having that wish granted, raged at length about Post critic Frank Scheck's assertion that the infamous oral sex scene from Gallo's 2003 effort, The Brown Bunny, might have been performed with a prosthetic penis. Speak on it, brother!
"Tell that hack to convince his mother, sister or wife to let me give it to her . . . and then she can report back to little Frank if she thought [it was fake]," Gallo raged to Page Six.
And then it gets oddly explanatory:
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• Somehow, this one didn't make the cut for this year's Super Bowl. [SH]
• Hilfiger promises he's not racist, admits he is a bad Xerox of Ralph Lauren. [WWD]
• Britney Spears chews gum throughout her second comeback performance, thereby dispelling any rumors that she might actually be talented enough to sing live. [DListed]
• A list of celebs that look like dogs, which is remiss for excluding Lassie and the pooch from Frasier. [CityRag]
• Brangelina to remain a single entity. [Yeeeah]
• Chloe claiming accent-ism. [ICYDK]
• Is there a Species VII? [HT]
Just kidding! But where was Jake Gyllenhaal?
Chloe Sevigny came out and proved to me once again that I love pockets on formal dresses. Also in attendance were a porcelain doll named Emmy Rossum, Mark Ruffalo and a personal hero of mine, Robert Downey Jr. That guy went to jail for a year and came out clean and sober and kicking ass. I hear he's really into martial arts, which I always find to be an odd trait in grown men, but that doesn't shake the respect I have for him.
Oh yeah, Fred Durst was there. I can't stand that rap-rock clown, and Limp Bizkit was one of the worst things to happen to American music ever. Maybe he's the Zodiac Killer.
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So, what a surprisingly lame and tame Golden Globes, huh? Seeing as the whole premise of awards shows is just people who make movies telling their friends how fucking awesome they are, for those of us not working in films, it's tough to watch all these people kiss each other's asses and thank their agents without hoping for Anna Nicole to stumble to a mic with a Percocet-induced weepy rant. But everyone was being gracious and classy. What gives? I was even able to stomach Jamie Foxx and his bullshit strut for more than five minutes.
Not only were there not any Abdul-esque meltdowns, but what should have been the night's funniest acceptance speech from Borat turned into a really awful and graphic description of Sacha Baron Cohen having balls and ass on his face ("rancid bubble?" Yuck).
Anyway, as an homage to the Globes, I've created my own award: the Miseries. These are my awards for the Globe attendees who, in the face of global (Global?) adulation, are still able to remain noticeably uncomfortable, selfish and/or bitter.
The nominees are:
• Jeremy Piven's mother, who should seriously consider taking Cusack's side in the Piven/Cusack rift
• Bill Paxton, who plateaued as Chet in art-house flick Weird Science
• Clint Eastwood, who "can't stand this glitzy horse shit"
• David Spade, who is desperately in need of a new, fatter, funnier sidekick
• Chloë Sevigny, who doesn't function well outside of the Lower East Side or Connecticut
• Angelina Jolie, who doesn't function well outside of barren, war-torn nations
Ultimately, I think David Spade wins. Dude hasn't been really commercially successful in years, Heather Locklear just broke his wittle heart and his best friend/acting partner, Chris Farley, still can't be replaced. Now, they're making him wear a tuxedo? I'm with you, David. Be glum, chum.
If I don't have anything nice to say, I probably shouldn't say anything at all. So I suppose it would be best to keep quiet about these photos of Chloe Sevigny in Cannes. Actually I have lots of nice things to say. Individually all of her parts are doing well. Her hair is okay. Her face looks tan and beautiful. Her shirt is, well, pretty horrible, but can be overlooked. Her skirt is cute. Her shoes are whatever.
Somehow when it all comes together, though, something goes horribly awry. The whole package just isn't sitting well. The camera angle isn’t doing her any favors, either. Very few people can pull of lighter hair than they have skin; apparently Chloe Sevigny isn't one of them.
She and Jenna Malone are promoting their upcoming film Lying, which sounds interesting, but I’m not sure I have it in me to look at Chloe for long periods of time anymore.
I’d like to think that this new distaste for Ms. Sevigny has nothing to do with Vincent Gallo’s genitalia, but just thinking about her interaction with said genitals has me feeling a bit queasy. To make matters worse, she is totally giving me the eye in that picture. Great, now I’m going to start having the nightmares again.
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