SPEARS MOUNTS ANOTHER ATTEMPT AT COMEBACK "Simon Cowell has confirmed that Britney Spears will appear on his British talent show, 'The X Factor,' the Daily Mail reported on Sunday. The pop princess will be performing her No. 1 single 'Womanizer.' 'I’m really excited about it,” Simon told the Daily Mail. “She has her act together and the new record is terrific.'"

THEY WANT YOU BACK "The Jackson 5 will reunite in 2009, eldest brother Jermaine Jackson confirmed Wednesday at a TV industry function. 'This has been a long time coming for the Jackson family to get back together,' he told the Australian Associated Press. … 'It is going to be more like a family affair, Janet's going to open and, of course, the original Jackson 5 … Michael, Randy and the whole family.'"

This time last year, everyone was discussing Britney Spears' disastrous "comeback performance" at the VMAs, something we called a "calamitous waterloo." One year later, last night Spears won all three Video Music Awards for which she was nominated, spoke without incident and read all the big words on the teleprompter. Basically, she behaved like a normal person in abnormal circumstances, which is all anyone has ever asked of her.

Oh boy! This is happening, everyone:

Britney Spears' manager Larry Rudolph has finally confirmed the pop star is currently recording a new album.

Spears was rumoured to be hard at work in the recording studio with music producers Jim Beanz and Rodney 'Darkchild' Jerkins earlier this month.
…
But Rudolph has confirmed Spears "is spending her summer in the recording studio, working on a brand new album."

He adds, "She's working with a team of top-notch producers and songwriters and we're very excited about what she's accomplished so far …"

Wonderful! By the way, did you notice that Mr Rudolph didn't at all mention a team of top-notch mental health professionals or the stability of a loving family? This is what anyone with eyes and a brain calls "a vicious cycle." But hey, look on the bright side: new, mediocre dance music!

Michael Jackson, 49, … is working on a new clothing line with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier. 'It's still in the developing stages, but it's going to be big,' an insider tells Life & Style. 'This will be a major comeback for Michael.'"

The above is a lie, and it's one we've heard before. By our calculations, ever since the release of his last reasonably solid record, 1991's Dangerous, which moved over 14 million copies, Michael Jackson has been on the verge of a comeback 237,000 times; each one ushered in with all the theatrics of "Thriller" before sputtering out as quietly and wimpily as "The Girl Is Mine."

It's about time everyone quit kidding themselves. As lifelong MJ fans, it pains us to say it, but his chances of staging an authentic comeback are as good as his chances of beating Michael Jordan in that one-on-one game. "Why?" you ask. Let us count the ways…

CONTINUED »

Apparently there's only requirement for Stacey Dash's "comeback": That she come back back first.