WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN REALITY TV CAMERAS? "Denise Richards went to court this morning, asking the custody judge for an emergency order restricting Charlie [Sheen]'s access to their kids. … We're told they told the judge there's a serious issue in Charlie's home that could have an adverse impact on the kids."
Dane Cook is currently undergoing a legal battle about the always-newsworthy dog poop. No, seriously. Evidently his landlord thinks Dane isn't picking up his dog's poop, but Dane claims he is. And, of course, TMZ is on the case.
The testimony is riveting, as Dane's lawyer insists the poop in question does not belong to his dog because "medium to small-sized dogs create a thumb-sized poop" — smaller than the feces found in the yard. The landlord countered back: "I know what Beast's pooh looks like, unfortunately. It's a dog's signature. Signature. Signature pooh."
[Source]
THE INTERNET KNOWS YOUR SECRETS "Dismissing privacy concerns, a federal judge overseeing a $1 billion copyright-infringement lawsuit against YouTube has ordered the popular online video-sharing service to disclose who watches which video clips and when. U.S. District Judge Louis L. Stanton authorized full access to the YouTube logs after Viacom Inc. and other copyright holders argued that they needed the data to show whether their copyright-protected videos are more heavily watched than amateur clips. The data would not be publicly released but disclosed only to the plaintiffs, and it would include less specific identifiers than a user's real name or e-mail address."
WHEN LOVEMAKING GETS IN THE WAY OF MASS MURDER "Lawyers who sued the makers of the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas profess to be shocked, simply shocked, that few people who bought the game were offended by sex scenes buried in its software. Any buyer upset about hidden sex in the violent game could file a claim under a settlement the lawyers struck with the game’s makers, Rockstar Games and its corporate parent, Take-Two Interactive. Of the millions of people who bought the San Andreas version after its release in 2004, exactly 2,676 filed claims."
BABY STEPS "Sources tell us [Britney Spears], who has been slowly gaining visitation back inch by inch, has made such progress the [commissioner] agreed in court today she's ready to have sons Jayden James and Sean Preston with her overnight."
The legal team defending R Kelly, aka Jack the Pisser, in his Chicago kiddie porn trial rested their case yesterday after just two days of testimony, meaning jurors could be in deliberation as early as Thursday.
According to reports out of Illinois, Kelly's defense was nowhere near as tight as his cornrows:
It was not the defense courthouse observers expected in the high-profile proceeding. There were no surprise witnesses, no gotcha moments, no explanation of how the raunchy video came into existence. During opening statements and the prosecution's case, the defense offered many theories that it didn't follow up.
If Kelly, the libido behind "Hump Bounce" and "Freak Dat Body," is convicted, he faces up to 15 hard years in prison. But don't get too excited just yet. As one legal analyst who spoke to the Chicago Tribune is quick to note: "Celebrities are tough to convict, particularly in their hometown."
Despite signing a prenup when the couple got married in 1997, Jennifer Butler Murray, Bill Murray's soon-to-be ex-wife, is asking a court to determine if the contract to which she agreed is valid. Never mind the fact that the prenup as is grants Jennifer $7 million cash and a $1 million house from Bill, she wants more. A real feminist, this one.
This morning, if you'd like to help make the world a more suitable place for life, you'll get yourself to Long Island and let the air out of Dina Lohan's tires. Such a sabotage should be enough to prevent the jagged mother of three from arriving on time to her court date today, thereby guaranteeing she'll be subject to "immediate arrest and imprisonment." A punishment that, according to allegations by ex-husband Michael, she probably deserves:
In scathing court documents, Michael [Lohan] charges his ex-wife with drunkenness in the presence of the kids. He claims that Dina failed 15 of 29 times to bring the younger children to judge-ordered visits with him, supervised by a therapist. But on April 8, the father charges, Dina "arrived toward the end of the therapy session in a completely inebriated and erratic state."
Dina had been "at the beauty parlor in anticipation of her impending trip to Las Vegas" for the show …
On April 15, Dina was "exhausted" as she sat in the waiting room with the children, Michael claims in the documents. "I later discovered that [her] exhaustion stemmed from the fact that she was hung over. She apparently had spent the prior evening binge-drinking at various nightclubs until the wee hours of the morning. … She was spotted completely inebriated."
It is a system that is corrupt on his best day. It is like being tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged down a gravel late at night. No one can hear your cries and complaints and it is not over until they say it's over.
-Alec Baldwin, in his new book A Promise To Ourselves: Fatherhood, Divorce and Family Law, on America's family court system.
Further solidifying his reputation as a grudge-bearing beast, at a party Friday night, Baldwin was overheard saying of his ex, Kim Basinger: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers."
R Kelly's defense team in his child pornography trial hit a dark patch on Thursday—literally.
Although lawyers for Kelly had claimed that a mole the singer has on his back was not shared by the man from the sex tape on which this trial is based, prosecutors yesterday used advanced digital imaging to prove that, indeed, the man from the tape has the exact same mole. Uh oh!
Kelly and his attorneys looked grim and dejected during the expert's testimony, while prosecutors looked pleased, appearing to smile as they sat at their courtroom table.
R Kelly's next hit: "Trapped in the Jail Cell (and Getting My Teeth Kicked In)"
The jurors in R. Kelly’s child pornography trial had the distinct displeasure of watching the sex tape that allegedly depicts R. Kelly having sex and urinating on a girl who could have been as young as 13. According to reports, Kelly “watched the video with a studied stare.” Maybe he was trying to act like he hadn’t seen it plenty of times when it was part of his personal video library.
Our favorite person today is some 68-year-old man who fled Communist Romania and who now sits on the jury for R Kelly's child pornography trial.
He told the judge, "I'm probably not the smartest guy, but I will do what is best and fair."
Christ, what happened to my generation?
In the wake of Nick Hogan's eight-month jail sentence for felony reckless driving, sister Brooke took to her MySpace to speak out against the entire situation. Because — let's be honest — writing about how the justice system is flawed on the No. 1 site for pedophiles is going to cause some shake-ups. Brooke insists no one knows the real story and even goes on to insult Nick's passenger who nearly lost his life in the accident. If that's not going to win over the general public, we don't know what will.
The entire diatribe, after the jump.
Uma Thurman's stalker, Jack Jordan, was convicted this morning of wanting to be more than friends with the Kill Bill actress. The New York Times wants you to know Jordan graduated from the University of Chicago with a degree in literature, presumably because it thinks you should be shocked that a college graduate is soooooooo crazy.
Jordan could be sentenced to as much as a year and 90 days in prison, where he'll have plenty of free time to plot his revenge.
R Kelly, the reprehensible genius behind the Trapped in the Closet series and a plethora of songs about having sex with things, is facing mounting evidence in his child pornography trial, which will begin jury selection later this week.
The singer is facing a host of charges stemming from a video said to portray him having sex with and urinating on a 13-year-old girl. Though the alleged victim of Kelly's abuse — now 23 — has for years denied a sexual relationship with Kelly, a new female witness for the prosecution will reportedly admit to having a threesome with Kelly and the underage girl.
In the past, three other women have filed civil suits against Kelly in which they claimed to have had sex with him before they were 17, and a fourth was paid a settlement to not sue. In 1994, a 27-year-old Kelly illegally married the now late Aaliyah, who was then then 15, by falsifying the marriage license and claiming she was 18 years old.
OH, GREAT "A Los Angeles judge has dismissed a sexual battery charge against 'Girls Gone Wild' founder Joe Francis because prosecutors said they were unable to contact his accuser. The judge dismissed the misdemeanor count Thursday after city prosecutors said they were unable to proceed because they had not seen or heard from the 18-year-old woman or an alleged witness. Francis was accused of groping the woman's breasts and buttocks at a birthday party in Hollywood last year."
Jessica Gibson, the nanny Rob Lowe is accusing of extortion, returned fire on the Today show this morning, claiming that Lowe sexually harassed her. She won't get into specifics, which is unsatisfying but understandable.
Most of the talking was done by Gibson's lawyer, Gloria Allred, who kept her hand in Gibson's lap throughout most of the interview, leading us to believe that Lowe must have touched the nanny very, very, very inappropriately to warrant a lawsuit.
Video after the jump.
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Genius junkie Pete Doherty has been sentenced to 14 weeks in jail for violating his probation. At an earlier hearing in which he narrowly avoided jail time, Petey was ordered to stay away from sweet, numbing drugs, but he ignored that request; now the lawman's patience is gone. But: fools! Everyone knows British prisons have the purest dope.
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