Dane Cook is the worst and that is surprising to no one. He's the worst at telling jokes, the worst at making movies, and the worst at being himself. Dane Cook is the triple threat of terrible.
So when the posters for My Best Friend's Girl came out, co-starring Cook and Kate Hudson and Jason Biggs, and looked terrible (see left) Dane Cook had no one to blame but himself. And the people who make movie posters, obviously, since they were trying to ruin his career with crappy artwork. And Dane Cook doesn't need anyone else making him look like an idiot, okay? He's got it covered.
Surprisingly then, the reviews for MBFG were not quite ecstatic for Mr. Cook's performance as an asshole-for-hire, and the film opened in 3rd place this weekend to a dismal $8.5 million (still more than Bangkok Dangerous though). Let's see where the movie did Dane wrong:
We've come to the conclusion that Dane Cook is a genius, because one simple MySpace (yes, we're still trolling that site this afternoon) rant has gotten more people talking about his upcoming movie than should be allowed.
Apparently Dane has an issue with the movie's poster and has decided to point out every little thing that's wrong with it ("My left side looks like Brittany Spears' vagina"), much like a teenage girl who feels the urge to criticize every acceptable picture of herself in a quest for gratification.
After watching the trailer at Dane's request (we fell for it), he does make a valid point that the poster really has nothing to do with the movie's premise — but really? An excessively long tirade that likely took hours to construct is a little much.
If you're bored and feel up to devoting entirely too much time to this movie and its promotional materials, click through. CONTINUED »
Dane Cook is currently undergoing a legal battle about the always-newsworthy dog poop. No, seriously. Evidently his landlord thinks Dane isn't picking up his dog's poop, but Dane claims he is. And, of course, TMZ is on the case.
The testimony is riveting, as Dane's lawyer insists the poop in question does not belong to his dog because "medium to small-sized dogs create a thumb-sized poop" — smaller than the feces found in the yard. The landlord countered back: "I know what Beast's pooh looks like, unfortunately. It's a dog's signature. Signature. Signature pooh."
[Source]
I'm feeling honest today, so I'm about to do something therapeutic: I'm coming clean about some things I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy. As part of my job, I have to be judgmental and critical — but sometimes I just want to confess my undying love for the celebrities and shows the public majority views as repulsive. So here's my list of six things I'm embarrassed to reveal. Admitting my problem is the first step to recovery.
New research calls into question a study suggesting circumcision halves a man's chances of contracting HIV, a claim detailed at length in 2006 in this former "Most E-Mailed" New York Times article. According to one expert, the latest data shows the 2006 findings to be "spurious and unsupported" and more related to behavior than physicality. Whoops.
Sorry you got such a bad rap, hooded friends. To make you feel more included, after the jump, we've made a list of all your ALLEGEDLY uncircumcised brethren in Hollywood.
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A commenter made a good point yesterday when they loosely compared old unfunnyman Gallagher to new unfunnyman Dane Cook. For the most part, we think it's an apt pairing, though we'd like to posit one thing: Isn't Gallagher's horribly corny but original watermelon shtick slightly better than Dane Cook's unoriginal, macho swagger?
After the jump, Cook's stellar bit about how gay guys are so lispy that it's impossible to understand them. Quote: "Fucking go be gay!"
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Receiving an award from Cosmo appears to be some sort of honor, hence the gathering of the magazine's "fun fearless males" today in New York City.
The group included the likes of John Mayer, Dane Cook, Common, John Krasinski, Tony Romo and Tom from MySpace. We're sure there was some great conversation among Tony, Dane and Mr. Mayer.
[Source]
• You're telling me this guy's a drunk who puts his and others' well-being at risk? No way. [Yeeeah]
• Faced with the prospect of a string of bad movies and an untimely career death, Maya Rudolph comes back to the arthritic, unfunny arms of Saturday Night Live. [BWE]
• With support like this, huh, Rudy? [Jossip]
• They're giving Dane Cook another movie to pilot into a damn oil field. [DListed]
• Now it's news if one doesn't expose one's vagina. [HT]
• Serves her right: She trusted a guy named Cash. [ICYDK]
• Pickles and bread? Isn't that the Gwen Stefani diet? [INO]
• Stupid human tricks! These are always funny when you're drunk and tired! [CityRag]
• A Hail Mary of a non sequitur. [DListed]
• Shit luck, huh, Chuck? [BWE]
• A transparent shirt to match her transparent social motivations. [HT]
• Everything is this girl's fault. [ICYDK]
• Who knew that the Teutonic peoples could get behind such a cold, sterile bitch? [INO]
• Salma Hayek has loosed a daughter unto the world of Romance languages. [Yeeeah]
• "How Celebrities Avoid Conviction" [CityRag]
I'm almost certain the only way one can actually laugh at Dane Cook's overanimated cunnilingus bits is to watch them with one's mother, thereby forcing the nervous giggles produced in those situations. Otherwise, his show is akin to seeing the school bully act out losing his virginity. And now that he's fuck-joked a stain onto comedy, Dane's trying his fist at music. Seriously.
His first song, "Forward," sounds like it took about one shit to write, and it also sounds like a million other things on the radio. Here's a sampling of the lyrics: "I'm the only thing that doesn't fit in this place/ Who am I s'posed to be/ Falling while I'm standing still/ Do I deal so willingly with the fact that I've lost the will." Ah, trite! It's like someone turned a Zach Braff movie into a song!
The good souls at Best Week Ever were kind enough to match Cookie's beautiful work in music to his adept work in comedy. I think the juxtaposition of the two speaks volumes about this man's talent.
The 2007 Teen Choice Awards aired last evening on Fox, and for some odd reason, Larry Birkhead was invited. (Choice Litigious Ex-Lover of a Late Junkie?) As usual, this annual recognition of mediocrity stood as a rock solid reminder of why teenagers aren't allowed to make very important decisions.
Winners and photos after the jump.
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• Not even $75 million could put them together again. And I gently weep. [TR]
• Sulfate and nitrite! Welcome to America, Maddox. [DListed]
• How long until this girl's dating Dane Cook and having hyper, annoying babies? [HT]
• New Top Model contestants are in, and, boy, are they just like every other batch of Top Model contestants. [ICYDK]
• It's a good thing Ted Nugent and his fans are laughable and insignificant, otherwise these words might be dangerous. [DS]
• Mariah Carey takes off all her clothes and I still can't see any career. [Yeeeah]
• Does Ann Coulter have breast implants? Did she have her penis removed, too? [CityRag]
Dane Cook spoke with the New York Post about all the rumors that abound in his life, including the one that he's gay and a recent case of a mistaken death.
"You haven't made it in Hollywood until someone says you're gay. I got that one a few years ago," the stud-muffin comic tells Cosmopolitan. "Last week, I got an e-mail asking me if I was dead. There was some Web site claiming that I'd died in New Zealand while waterfall jumping.
Leave it up to this "stud-muffin" comic's fans to e-mail possibly dead people in order to find out if they are in fact dead.
Jessica Simpson, whose love life/career/sentience have been the subjects of question for years now, is now rumored to be dating unfunnyman Dane Cook.
The couple reportedly dated while shooting the movie "Employee Of The Month" together — and guests at Prince's latest show were left in no doubt the pair are still close.
According to witnesses, Simpson and Cook sat next to each other on a sofa, often talking into each other's ear over the music.
A source tells Life & Style magazine, "They were laughing, joking and hanging out. They practically spent all night together, dancing and touching each other."
These two will work wonderfully together, as she's not able to understand that his jokes are shit.
More after the jump.
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• Dane Cook as John Lennon. That's apt. [BWE]
• It's Juneteenth today. Time to celebrate the freed slaves! This year, the government's finally coming through with those 40 acres and a mule. Just kidding. Fuck you, descendants! [SH]
• No more doofus hats on grup parents who hate growing old. [ICYDK]
• Maria Menounos is still second-rate Minnillo. [HT]
• These are not the ribald gents who wanted nothing more than girls, girls, girls. These are but sniveling schoolchildren. Away with the motley fools. [Yeeeah]
• Lipo-speculation. [CityRag]
Last evening, everyone from Samuel L Jackson to Dane Cook (yeesh) turned out for the annual MTV Movie Awards, that glorious time of year when the network transforms itself from being simply a constant commercial for bad pop culture into a vastly more obvious constant commercial for bad pop culture.
Highlights of the evening included very high-minded comedy like a fat guy chasing Sarah Silverman (brilliant!) to Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen kissing (I mean, men kissing—can you believe it?).
The most inexplicable photo grouping of the night must be Chris Tucker, Victoria Beckham and Bruce Willis, whose mere proximity to one another must have led to a completely unnecessary picture. I guess it's up to you to name the star, the has-been and the never-was.
PS Megan Fox, the awe-inducing beauty from Transformers, will be the new "it" girl. I'm calling "it."
There's a lot more pictures after this jump.
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Last night Details magazine celebrated their "2007 Mavericks" issue with a party in Los Angeles.
Just so we're all on the same page, can we agree on this:
maverick
NOUN:
1. An unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother, traditionally considered the property of the first person who brands it. 2. One that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group; a dissenter.ADJECTIVE:
Being independent in thought and action or exhibiting such independence: maverick politicians; a maverick decision.
Cool?
Now then, why the fuck were Stacy Keibler, Dane Cook, Molly Sims, Ian Ziering, Michelle Trachtenberg, CariDee English and LC from that piece of hell The Hills allowed to show up?
I will acknowledge that CariDee proved to be an unflappable trailblazer while facing the devastating setbacks on Top Model, but L fucking C!
When you throw a theme party, everyone has to come as the theme or they can't come in. It keeps the riffraff out and makes the people who played along not feel foolish about participating. Did you have Mr. Magoo on door, Details?
I suppose this is to be expected when the host's idea of a "Maverick Lifestyle" includes a Benz and a BlackBerry, both of which, I guess, are now hallmarks of a true "dissenter."
Take that, Gandhi!
[Source]
Dane Cook probably calls Jessica Simpson "Special J" (as he revealed on TRL the other day) because:
a) Her name begins with a J and he thinks she's special. Also, it's almost the name of a drug and drug references are always cool.
b) She is an out-of-body experience that sometimes involves hallucinations and usually lasts under an hour.
Either way, according to Page Six, the other night he was looking to score some more of his favorite vice:
JESSICA Simpson renewed her love affair with her "Employee of the Month" co-star Dane Cook Wednesday night at the film's premiere party at Tenjune. (See Kyle Smith's review, Page 42.) Spies said they curled up in a booth and spent the evening "whispering into each other's ears. Dane couldn't keep his eyes off her and kept coming back to her every time he was pulled away." They finally left with Simpson's hairdresser Ken Paves.
Sounds like someone spent his evening stuck in a "J Hole."
Editor
