Achtung, white people, all your stuff's ours now. We're coming for everything you once held dear and will leave you huddled around a trash fire like hobos in some sort of racial nuclear winter. Guess you should have read the fine print on those "HOPE" posters.

Starting immediately, YOUR beloved movie characters will be replaced with OUR beloved movie stars. Not only does Daniel Craig think it's time for a black James Bond, Jaden Smith, son of non-threatening African American male Will, has just been tapped to star in a remake of 80s hit The Karate Kid. The original starred the nerdy but lovable Ralph Macchio, but that was before November 4, 2008. Make room for a real black belt, Hollywood.

Next, we're coming for the womenfolk, surfing and French cuisine. Yes we can.

Last night was the LA premiere of James Franco and Seth Rogen's weed-filled Pineapple Express, which attracted a vast array of celebrities. Nobody quite knows for sure how Adrianne Curry was invited, but those in attendance were graced with the presence of Kanye West and his odd shoes. You win some, you lose some.

Prepare to be bombarded with pictures after the jump.

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A new series of portraits by conceptual photographer Sam Taylor-Wood features some of Hollywood's most sought after leading men – Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling, Daniel Craig, etc – in tears. According to Taylor-Wood, the idea's pretty simple: "It's about the idea of taking these big, masculine men and showing a different side." Yay, straightforward, unpretentious art.

I'm a crier myself, so I say more power to Taylor-Wood and her subjects. And special kudos to Jude Law, who went above and beyond by not just crying, but doing so in a corner in the fetal position.

Judging by the absurdly nitpicky nature of the corrections made to The New York Times' retrospective on James Bond creator Ian Fleming – "… the article misstated the size of the large naval guns outside the museum. They are 15-inch guns, not 18-inch guns." – it's clear that people are a little nuts about Fleming's fake secret agent. Are we nuts; because we just don't get it. How has a series so overtly misogynistic maintained its cultural relevance throughout the decades?

Because our only goal in life is to right wrongs, today, we've decided to turn the tables and subject James Bond to the same piece-of-meat treatment he so often inflicts on his lady friends. Tell us, in your opinion, whose the second handsomest Bond? (Obviously, Sean Connery is the handsomest, so we didn't even include him.) We say it's Timothy Dalton, but we could be wrong. Anyone willing to say George Lazenby beats out Roger Moore? Anyone not think Connery is the clear victor?

Two Beverly Hills plastic surgeons recently asked a bunch of people who are unhappy with the way they look what they would consider perfect celebrity features. As if it weren't a disgusting enough enterprise, Star magazine took the project one step further by then using the survey's results to form composite images of what hopeless, narrow motherfuckers believe to be ideal beauty.

At right are artisanal SuperCelebs Star mashed together from the following:

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Elton John threw a lavish 60th birthday bash for himself last night, and all the grand Anglicans came out to celebrate. Guests included Hugh Grant, Sting, Paul McCartney, Daniel Craig, Kate Moss, the Osbournes and the ever radiant Thandie Newton.

For some reason, Elton and partner David Furnish opted to wear full military garb; questionable judgment during wartime. But, immediately winning the classless war was TMZ who, when covering the event, chose to run the headline, "Elton's Rear Admiral."

How 'bout that for your 60th, Elton? A nice, concrete reminder that, even after six decades of life and countless career successes, someone will always be around to make fun of you for being gay.

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• Watch out Keith Urban, your wife is looking pretty nice next to Daniel Craig. [DListed]

• Need an Wednesday afternoon pick-me-up? Here's a reminder that Paris can take a bad picture. [CityRag]

• The OC is officially cancelled. Damn you, world. [JustJared]

• Justin and Scarlett? Delicious. [PopSugar]

• Ashlee Simpson nip slip! High Res for Papa Joe! [Egotastic]

• Tobey Maguire's baby, if you're into that sort of thing. [Us]

The new James Bond movie, Casino Royale, premiered in London today. Bond himself, Daniel Craig, whose intensity frightens me a touch, appears not to have cracked a smile. I'm not sure he has ever managed more than a smirk, in fact. The film has been getting super reviews, quashing rumors that Craig isn't suave enough (or whatever) to pull off the role. Dame Judi Dench, who co-stars in the film, was also at the event along with Paris Hilton. We only send our best and brightest to the overseas premieres, after all. Meanwhile I couldn't find any pictures of the new Bond girl, Eva Green, on the red carpet, so here's a picture of her at some press conference thing last week. Holy Jesus, I take back being scared of Craig and double the scared for her. Shudder.

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• Oh, looks like there's a new necrophiliac in town. [PopSugar]

• Lindsay Lohan cuddly like a panda, but boy does she have nails. [GotA]

• You should go here and watch the new Tenacious D video (and I guess there's all sort of shit to download and play with cause it's Spankin New Music Week on MTV, but I find it to be the most poorly organized website ever). [MTV]

• Janet isn't mad at Justin, but that won't stop her from being a little passive aggressive. [People]

• I'm not sure the best way to ingratiate the world to the new James Bond is to have him drink beer rather than martinis. [Celebitchy]

• Paris has been officially charged with her DUI. So now can we see the mugshot? [TMZ]

• Chris Klein takes a break from staring at himself in the mirror long enough to deny that Suri is really his kid. Bribery smells so sweet. [DListed]

• Cocaine in a can verdict: It's awesome. If you're into chest burning and generally feeling crazy. [BWE]

• Avril Lavigne may dress up like a woman, but she still a punk rock girl at heart. Well, punk rock in that completely mainstream way. [Egotastic]

• Determined to make someone excited about Daniel Craig as James Bond, Sony set up a fake poker website where you can play against a computerized Bond. Nothing like appealing to the gambling addict in us all. [PopWatch]

• Carmen Electra will stick anything between her legs for a little bit of attention and some screen time. [HollywoodTuna]

• Hidden in an innocent story of cooking gone awry, Jennifer Garner displays Ben Affleck's rage problem. [A Socialite's Life]

• Jennifer Aniston is the second most desired celebrity best friend, but thats probably just because she's too depressed and self-loathing to steal your boyfriend. [JustJared]