Larry Birkhead, explaining why he made the creepy decision to pay almost $3,000t at an auction for Anna Nicole's old lingerie:

I have a lot of history I have to put together that [daughter Dannielynn] doesn't really know about. … You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road.

[Source]

In an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, Mollygood looks to poetry with Someone Haiku. Each day – using 17 syllables or less – you’re given the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that’s washed up on the shores of Mollygood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that’s devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.

Today's Someone Haiku winner is sskmstr:

Starlet addictions
Multiply deadly puffs with
cigarette death star

Cigarette death star? Well done.

New one after the jump.

CONTINUED »

A year ago today, Anna Nicole Smith died. And what better way to acknowledge the anniversary of her death than with an all-caps ploy for media attention?

Larry Birkhead posted this moving desperate message on his Web site:

I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF OUR BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL. PLEASE WATCH OVER US AND GUIDE US ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE. WE MISS YOU.

2-8-07

LOVE,

LARRY AND DANNIELYNN

[Source]

As if life won't be difficult enough for hard-won meal ticket Dannielynn Birkhead, now comes news that she's cross-eyed, and her father, Lawrence Birkhead, is wary of corrective surgery.

"I'm going to do everything to make sure that it's corrected," says Birkhead, "but having lost Anna and [her son] Daniel and my dad – my dad just came out of a simple surgery and he died – it's just tough for me to think about surgeries with [Dannielynn]."

How did her eyes even get like that? Not, swears Larry, through any fault of Dannielynn's pill-popping late mother, Anna Nicole Smith. "…I point-blank [asked] every single doctor, 'Could any medications that Anna was on have caused this?'" said the too-blond man, "And they said that it's more likely that a genetic reason could have caused it."

We suppose that's good news, but perhaps Larry was barking up the wrong vice:

CONTINUED »

• American Bingo Calling Idol. [Yeeeah]

• Enhanced lips, enhanced breasts, enhanced nose, terrible life. [DListed]

• Top photos of 2007. So much Britney! [PS]

• Boy do we hope Dannielynn Birkhead isn't really damaged from her mother's drug abuse. [INO]

• Rosie O'Donnell won the title of most annoying celebrity! She immediately took to her blog to be annoying about people finding her annoying. Stop hitting yourself! [ICYDK]

• Lots of plastic surgery in '07. Good for them. [CityRag]

• Things in Pakistan are still very bad. In 2008, it's likely they won't get much better. [NYT]

• "You've got hate mail!" [Queerty]

• Marie Osmond is said to have faked fainting to attract sympathetic Dancing voters. Liar, liar, secret underwear on fire! [DListed]

• Twiggy's snapped off of ANTM. [EBG]

• What's independent or spirited about Zach Braff? [PS]

• Impossibly, someone's found a way to be worse than Victoria Beckham. [HT]

• Johnny Depp sports the Canadian tuxedo in London. [INO]

• John Cusack has signed on to play an angry, lovestruck American in China in a period drama. How exciting for fans of very specific story lines. [ICYDK]

• Brendan Fraser, please have some dignity. [Yeeeah]

• Anna Nicole Smith's last living child is not yet stricken with unbelievable grief and anger, but give it time. [CityRag]

Just in time for Dannielynn Birkhead's first birthday, further evidence surfaces suggesting that her father, Larry Birkhead, might not always have her best interests in mind. To be sure, deciding to impregnate a self-destructive, zonked-out husk like Anna Nicole Smith like he did proves that he didn't have the baby's best interests in mind from her genesis, but new testimony from his former bodyguard claims it's worse than you think:

"Larry and I went to Nassau for over a week in January of this year. One day he said he wanted to go to Daniel's grave, ostensibly to pay tribute to him on his birthday. But it turned out he had another idea. He said, 'We're going to meet two guys from Splash [Photo Agency].'

"They had arranged to wait in some bushes at the cemetery. They took pictures of Larry pretending to be sad and emotional at the grave site. Only the Splash guys weren't quite satisfied, so they asked him to do it again, and for me to get out of the picture. We did three takes. That was the first sign to me that Larry was in it for the money."

After three takes, that should have been the third sign, guy.

[Source]

Welp, it's getting weirder:

An explosive tell-all book about Anna Nicole Smith's sad demise alleges the two men who battled for custody of her baby girl and control of her fortune were gay lovers.

The bombshell allegations about the steamy relationship between the former Playboy Playmate's longtime companion Howard K. Stern and her baby's biological father, Larry Birkhead, come to light in "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death."

And it gets better…

CONTINUED »

Pretty sure you shouldn't carry the baby like that, bud. I'm also pretty sure you shouldn't rely on tucking your chin into your chest like you're folding a beach towel when supporting the weight of a living being.

Think there's anyvway we could seize Dannielynn before she can remember anything and put her in the charge of some loving parents in a quaint Ohio town? Somewhere where she would never have to know her mother was a drug-addled gold digger and she could concentrate on her schoolwork. It would be great publicity for the idea that a healthy respect for competent authority and a college education are sometimes far more beneficial to children than being raised by their "real daddy," regardless of what they say on Maury.

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