David Spade obviously has an effect on the ladies, but who knew he also garnered the attention of heterosexual men? J.R. Moehringer, a writer for Los Angeles magazine, went to high school with David and decided to express his years-long crush through an eight-page article focusing on Spade's trick to being a ladies' man. We already know the secret: He's famous and he has money. Anyone can get women when they have one of the two.

David, of course, begs to differ and offers his advice to men hoping to attract women.

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WELL, PENDING THE PATERNITY TEST… "David Spade is a dad! The comic, 45, welcomed a baby girl August 26 in Missouri with Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace, 22, his rep confirmed to Usmagazine.com."

Adam Sandler walked the red carpet of his new film, You Don't Mess With the Zohan, looking like a homeless man among a sea of designer duds. He's on something, no?

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Eva Longoria and several others from television and movies turned out last evening for the Lucky magazine party held at the Château Marmont. So, in case you're tallying places in history you're glad you weren't, you can add to the list this party, which celebrated a magazine that celebrates shopping; it should come before "Vietnam" but after "in the theater for No Reservations."

Lots more after the jump.

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So, what a surprisingly lame and tame Golden Globes, huh? Seeing as the whole premise of awards shows is just people who make movies telling their friends how fucking awesome they are, for those of us not working in films, it's tough to watch all these people kiss each other's asses and thank their agents without hoping for Anna Nicole to stumble to a mic with a Percocet-induced weepy rant. But everyone was being gracious and classy. What gives? I was even able to stomach Jamie Foxx and his bullshit strut for more than five minutes.
Not only were there not any Abdul-esque meltdowns, but what should have been the night's funniest acceptance speech from Borat turned into a really awful and graphic description of Sacha Baron Cohen having balls and ass on his face ("rancid bubble?" Yuck).
Anyway, as an homage to the Globes, I've created my own award: the Miseries. These are my awards for the Globe attendees who, in the face of global (Global?) adulation, are still able to remain noticeably uncomfortable, selfish and/or bitter.

The nominees are:

• Jeremy Piven's mother, who should seriously consider taking Cusack's side in the Piven/Cusack rift

• Bill Paxton, who plateaued as Chet in art-house flick Weird Science

• Clint Eastwood, who "can't stand this glitzy horse shit"

• David Spade, who is desperately in need of a new, fatter, funnier sidekick

• Chloë Sevigny, who doesn't function well outside of the Lower East Side or Connecticut

• Angelina Jolie, who doesn't function well outside of barren, war-torn nations

Ultimately, I think David Spade wins. Dude hasn't been really commercially successful in years, Heather Locklear just broke his wittle heart and his best friend/acting partner, Chris Farley, still can't be replaced. Now, they're making him wear a tuxedo? I'm with you, David. Be glum, chum.

Motorola celebrated its 8th Birthday last night and the stars were out en force (to get some free stuff, natch). Christina performed for the crowd which included Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Donald Faison, AJ McLean (is he on that new VH1 show where a group of old boy banders try to hit it big again? Does that mean we'll be seeing a lot of him? Can he stop with the eyeliner?), Ivanka Trump, Jesse Metcalf, Nicollette Sheridan, Heather Locklear and a completely ecstatic looking David Spade.

Guys, I have something admit and, yes, I'm going to gossip blogger hell for this but…how do I say this…I think Paris Hilton has been looking pretty lately. Her outfits (Halloween notwithstanding) are cute. Her hair is (fake) pretty. Please, someone send me a recent picture to snap me back to reality. It's getting hard to live with myself.

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..and because I love french fries like glorious little oily children. This older SNL skit starring Chris Farley, David Spade, and Adam Sandler used to cause me endless Best of Chris Farley watching joy back in high school. Lay Off Me, I'm Starving. YouTube is awesome.

This pictures of David Spade and Kid Rock performing karaoke would make a lot more sense if Lindsay Lohan wasn't in it (grabbing her crotch?). Turns out, though, that this wasn't some sort of bizarre meeting of the minds, souls, and voices, more like Lohan wouldn't get the hell off the stage at Spade's birthday party. People captions this photo:

Lindsay Lohan and the soon-to-be-wed Kid Rock (to Pamela Anderson) play backup to David Spade in a rollicking karaoke trio of "American Woman" during Spade's 42nd birthday bash at Santa Monica's Buffalo Club on Saturday. Lohan, who brought beau Harry Morton, also joined Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi on Madonna's "Like a Virgin" and Rock's sister on Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone."

Does she even know Kid Rock's sister? Probably not. She's just another drunken hussy slurring the words a few lines behind with a mic in her hand. We've all seen it, been that girl, and talked shit behind that girls back. Celebrities, their enthusiasm for karaoke increases exponentially every drink above number 5, just like US!

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• The Johnny Depp wax figure is pretty spot-on, but the Keira Knightly one is way off. Don't they know her jaw is more epic than that? [I'm Not Obsessed]

• Jeff Goldblum skews young, and apparently skeletal, with Nicole Richie. [WWTDD]

• Jessica Simpson and Zach Braff? Indie girls everywhere die a slow death at the concept of their leader pursuing the cheerleader they could never be. [Perez Hilton]

• Heather Locklear can't learn from her own mistakes, replaces ex-husband Richie Sambora tattoo with very new boyfriend David Spade-based tat. Genius. [Popbytes]

• The Emmy nominations are out, and apparently cancellation is the new key to success. [PopWatch]

• Please start calling Lindsay Lohan by her Kaballah name: Rose. As pure and gentle as she is. [Velvet Hot Tub]

• Mary-Kate Olsen is taking it back with her fashion sense. Like way back. Like biblical times back. [DListed]

• Joe Simpson's Creepy Dad Gossip Trading card appreciates in value every time he forces a daughter into cosmetic surgery. [Gallery of the Absurd]

• Speaking of which, watch Ashlee Simpson's new face perform in her new video before they force it to be removed. [Faded Youth]

• David Spade is amazed that he scored a woman as hot as Heather Locklear. The world agrees. [Celebitchy]

• Victoria Beckham is everyone's guilty pleasure. Criticize all you want, but she looks hot in those shorts. [Hollywood Tuna]

• Amy Poehler has some advice if you're ever in New York. Somehow she left out 'be sure not to eat anything, lest it have calories.' [CityRag]

• Madonna won't sleep in the same room as Guy Richie because she can't be around the AC. That, or she can't stand looking at his face. [Hollywood Rag]

• Did Jessica Alba get breast implants? Or was it double-sided tape? Or childhood illness? Well, that god awkward real quick, didn't it? [WWTDD]

• Ashlee Simpson's face is still totally unsettling. Ugly duckings everywhere need a new role model. [Hollywood Tuna]

• "Hey kids, meet your new daddy, David Spade. He won't molest you for at least a couple more years."–Heather Locklear [Hot Momma Drama]

• No matter what she's doing, even asking an airline employee a question, Nicole Ritchie looks like an idiot. [The Gilded Moose]

• I'm not sure what is more terrifing, Vivica Fox's face or Tyson Beckford's goatee. [Hollywood Rag]

• Always remember, Paris isn't the only Hilton who can get drunk and make a fool out of herself. Nicky does her part, too. [PopSugar]

This morning's Moving Picture features David Spade and Teri Hatcher pretending to be one another on Saturday Night Live sometime in the 90s when Lois & Clark was on television. Teri seems not to be the nation's best satirist, but she certainly gives it her best shot. (And Teri's depiction of David may very well have been the inspiration for Lisa Kudrow's character on "The Comeback". What? You never saw that show on HBO. No one did? Best. Show. Ever.)

While David plays Teri, um, sort of how Teri acts these days. Maybe 1990s Teri Hatcher wouldn't come on a talk show and shamelessly touch the male hosts suit to feel the fabric, but you bet that 2006 Teri Hatcher would. She has made it no secret that she wants a man. Bad. Seriously, do you know anyone because she would love to give you her card? And that jab about her putting nude pictures of herself on the Internet, well, I don't know who else would be doing it.

This video comes at a sad time for David Spade, as it is reported that Heather Locklear opened her eyes and realized that she rebounded into the arms of David fucking Spade and broke up with him. Guess he'll just have to find another way to get his name in the tabloids.
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