Today Lindsay Lohan celebrates her 22nd birthday — a day that, at one point, we were unsure she would live to see. So here's to you, Linds, and your goal to get your life back on track. Let's hope 22 treats you better than all of those other years … and if not, then at least we'll have something to write about.
Above: Lindsay's Parent Trap screen test, back when she was as pure as a child can be under the wrath of Michael and Dina.
Michael Lohan couldn't resist stopping by Chelsea Lately the other night to respond to the latest allegations that he fathered yet another Lohan while married to Dina (but they were on a break!). Chelsea put his skeeziness on hold to discuss more important matters: Camel balls. Apparently such a thing exists, and the former inmate suffers from it.
Click through for the video if you care to throw up your breakfast.
WHAT?! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE? "[Linday Lohan]'s father, Michael Lohan, has admitted to OK! that, while married — but at the time separated — to now-ex-wife Dina Lohan, he had a relationship with another woman which resulted in a pregnancy."
The reasoning behind Living Lohan, according to Dina and Ali, was to show America that the Lohans are just like any other typical family. Luckily, the project has instead turned into a showcase of the repulsiveness of Ali. I specifically remember having this exact same conversation with my mother — I wanted a cat of my own, but I didn't show responsibility for the other pets — except things ended a bit differently. Now I understand why Dina won that parenting award: She has yet to kill Ali.
Click through for the clip from last night's show. CONTINUED »
Good news, everyone! (And by "everyone," we mean "Dina Lohan.") Lynne Spears will be releasing her memoir this fall after a minor setback that included her 16-year-old daughter getting knocked up and her other daughter having a very public mental breakdown.
The book, which will be called Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, will not be a parenting book, but instead it's "her story of what it was like being a mom and raising two very famous people." Sources say that, even when it was put on hold, Lynne never stopped writing, because "she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes." Also? She needs a paycheck now that both daughters are out of work.
[Source]
• Please pass along the memo: Five annoying phrases are being retired from television. [MTV]
• Jessica Alba's brother has the same feelings we do when it comes to babies. [Us]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are still flaunting their obvious relationship in public, likely to Dina's dismay. [PS]
• A lucky little baby was born with a special present on his back. (Slightly NSFW) [DListed]
• Anne Hathaway on Michael Scott: “Making out with him is like the yummiest lollipop, dipped in sunshine and wrapped in a masculine wrapper! That’s the only way I can think to describe it.” [ICYDK]
On last night's Living Lohan, 14-year-old Ali was "tormented" by some classmates who said she needs to stop trying to be like big sister Lindsay. (Well, they have a point.) Naturally, mother bear Dina was appalled, because apparently she forgot about what's said in all those tabloids she reads every morning over coffee.
Click through for video of the worst bullying in history (except not). CONTINUED »
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "We have to educate him in this whole tabloidism." — Dina, Living Lohan
We already knew Joe Simpson was the main reason behind Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo's breakup, but now more sources are coming forward to reveal exactly how bad things got with Papa Joe. Rumor has it he advised Tony to drop his agent so Joe could take over his NFL career and contract worth almost $70 million. How Tony managed to turn down that offer is beyond us. But it gets better: Joe then informed Tony that if he proposed to Jessica, Joe could "do the same that [he] did with Ashlee." Meaning he could whore out their precious memories.
But media-savvy Papa Joe fired back, releasing a statement that just makes him sound as ridiculous as ever:
It’s unfair to criticize me for what every manager does for his or her clients. And in this business, where people can quickly turn on you, who better than a parent to be working for his children?
Preach it, Joe! Parent managers are definitely the way to go, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Just look at Dina Lohan.
[Source]
This morning, if you'd like to help make the world a more suitable place for life, you'll get yourself to Long Island and let the air out of Dina Lohan's tires. Such a sabotage should be enough to prevent the jagged mother of three from arriving on time to her court date today, thereby guaranteeing she'll be subject to "immediate arrest and imprisonment." A punishment that, according to allegations by ex-husband Michael, she probably deserves:
In scathing court documents, Michael [Lohan] charges his ex-wife with drunkenness in the presence of the kids. He claims that Dina failed 15 of 29 times to bring the younger children to judge-ordered visits with him, supervised by a therapist. But on April 8, the father charges, Dina "arrived toward the end of the therapy session in a completely inebriated and erratic state."
Dina had been "at the beauty parlor in anticipation of her impending trip to Las Vegas" for the show …
On April 15, Dina was "exhausted" as she sat in the waiting room with the children, Michael claims in the documents. "I later discovered that [her] exhaustion stemmed from the fact that she was hung over. She apparently had spent the prior evening binge-drinking at various nightclubs until the wee hours of the morning. … She was spotted completely inebriated."
Here's the great thing about Lindsay Lohan: Girlfriend is crazy. Like, seriously off. In a recent interview with Style magazine, LiLo talks about fame and then misguidedly insists that her mother and father are some of her best friends: "I have a great Mom and Dad. We're a very close family." Really, Linds? Because we haven't seen evidence of that — ever — and you're aware of how obsessive the media are when it comes to your life. She then goes on to do that thing where she proclaims she's the best person in the world and the press is just so hard on her:
Thank you so much for being nice. You know, people may think I’m this and that, but I’m not a bad person. I’m really not.
Whatever you say, Linds.
Linda Hogan, seen here grinding up on some tool at the Palms Place Hotel opening in Vegas, is on a mission to steal Dina Lohan's Mother of the Year title.
[Source]
We’ve tried our damnedest to remove The View from our cultural radar. Enough with Elisabeth Hasselbeck reminding America that she had a baby and loves George Bush. Or Whoopi Goldberg reminding everybody that she can barely stand to be there.
But then producers whipped up this genius segment: In discussing the possibility of booking Dina and Ali Lohan, who want to promote their Living Lohan show, the decision was made that they’d be allowed on the show … only if they were willing to discuss Lindsay.
• Usher's performance on Good Morning America today reminded everyone how not-so-awesome Justin Timberlake really is. [INO]
• We weren't invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' cocktail party. Somehow, life goes on. [ICYDK]
• In a desperate ploy for publicity, Supernanny has announced that she would be "more than happy" to help Britney. Um, OK? [People]
• Everything the Lohans touch turns to gold. And by "gold" we mean "stuff nobody wants to see." [PS]
• Charlie Sheen seems to have convinced yet another stupid female to marry him. [DListed]
[Source]
E! celebrated Memorial Day by honoring those who fought and died for our country with two new shows depicting the strength and character of the everyday American: Living Lohan and Denise Richards: It's Complicated.
Both Denise and Dina Lohan have stated that they agreed to these shows in an effort to set the record straight and allow the public to have a glimpse into their real lives. You see, they are just like everyone else: Dina wakes up each morning and, over her cup of coffee, peruses every tabloid to find anything involving the Lohans. And then there's Denise, who tries to breed her pigs because she has nothing better to do. Seriously, that's what the entire episode was about.
It goes without saying these shows do the ladies no favors, but the real victims here are the viewers. Click through for clips from each show. CONTINUED »
The series premiere of Living Lohan debuts next week, but to hold you over, here's a clip from an upcoming episode in which Dina berates the press for not having proper boundaries while allowing her 14-year-old daughter to look at pictures from Lindsay's possible sex tape. CONTINUED »
In a bizarre new interview on Extra, Dina and Ali Lohan sit down to answer only a few approved questions, as evidenced by the ridiculous Lohan publicist who constantly shoots down the reporter's benign questions. Which might be understandable if this weren't the biggest famewhoring family in America. No question is too low for the Mother of the Year.
Click through for the video. CONTINUED »
• Who knew Barbara Walters said vagina so often? And in so many different ways! [Queerty]
• It's official: Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien next year. [DListed]
• "Rumor has it that Tori Spelling has just been cast in the 90210 spinoff show that the CW is doing." [INO]
• Famous john Charlie Sheen and his fiancée, Brooke Mueller, are asking for donations to charity in lieu of wedding gifts. [ICYDK]
• Lindsay Lohan has been dropped from the cast of another film. It's sad now. [Yeeeah]
• Do these people look like Muppets or do these Muppets look like people? [CityRag]
• Dina Lohan's TV show is finally here! Kill your flat-screen before her voice enters your home and controls your children and pets. [PS]
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