• Lindsay Lohan is a fan of the creepy Sarah Palin Halloween mask. Is Samantha Ronson going to dress up as a wolf? [Yeeeah]

• Eva Longoria says she's still a size 0, even though she got "fat." [ICYDK]

• Even when he's doing good deeds, Justin Timberlake comes across as a d-bag. [PS]

• Johnny Depp is Cosmopolitan's sexiest man alive, followed by George Clooney and … Jake Gyllenhaal? [INO]

• Amy Winehouse is now making coke-infused cotton candy. Good to see she's using her time wisely. [DListed]

• Innocent little Audrina Patridge is desperately trying to extend her 15 minutes of fame. [HT]

Oh, Lynne Spears, bless her heart. The mother of three is still promoting that pathetic book, Through the Storm, this time taking her inane ramblings to The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, where she admitted that she doesn't know a heck of a lot. My mother used to always say "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck," but I'm pretty sure Lynne Spears did — the lady admits to not knowing whether Britney's first music video was too sexual or if she was doing drugs at some point in her career — and she thought Jamie-Lynn was a virgin! Ha! This, from the lady who allowed JL's boyfriend to enjoy multiple overnight visits. What did you think they were doing, Lynne?

Dave Moore and Bill Manville put together a nice little article summing up why addicts of the famous variety don't always recover after trips to rehab. Now, to be fair, rehab isn't exactly 100 percent effective for regular civilians, but the success rate is drastically lower when it comes to celebrities. And here's why:

People like Heather Locklear are so sheltered by agents, lawyers and studio publicists — that even if they attend a 12-step meeting, they are still 'stars.' It is difficult for them to experience the healing powers of anonymity and group morale.

Makes sense. Let this be a lesson to all of you: Celebrities who become addicts are simply screwed. Best of luck!

Try to think back to earlier this week when Heather Locklear was arrested on suspicion of DUI. She looked crazy, but TMZ is saying that the woman who reported the crime in the first place is even crazier — she's a former Us Weekly staffer. Yeesh.

Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly's computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear in the Montecito area. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn't even moving at the time.

After calling 911, Ishkanian took the next logical step: She called a paparazzi agency to take pictures of the event, because why wouldn't Heather want to document this memory? But this isn't helping Locklear one bit: Officials said that Ishkanian's actions don't take away her credibility as a witness. Just her soul.

You just want to enjoy a leisurely dinner at Ye Waverly Inn with two dozen of your closest celebrity and media elite friends, then head home for a high ball and an evening of Googling yourself. But as soon as you step outside the restaurant, FLASHES! The paparazzi are waiting outside, which you totally didn't expect because you hate having your picture taken and published in tabloids and blogs, which is why you dine at off-the-grid restaurants like the Waverly! What to do? Spray 'em!

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Did everyone have a good weekend? Heather Locklear did: The actress was arrested Saturday night in Santa Barbara for driving under the influence of what cops believe to be drugs. A resident called police after witnessing Heather "driving erratically"; when police found her, she had parked her car on a state highway, blocking a lane. Sounds perfectly normal to us.

After being tested for drugs and alcohol, law enforcement reported that alcohol was not involved. She was released without posting bail — but not before delivering one of the most terrifying mug shots of all time. Good one, Heather!

Amy Winehouse is truly a walking miracle for the mere fact that she remains living and breathing despite all odds. Here she is performing a "concert" in London, although we'd call it more of a freak show than anything. Seriously though, how does a person function when one's body looks like that?

[Source]

THIS 'INSIDER' IS OBVIOUSLY MICHAEL LOHAN "It's been less than a year since Lindsay Lohan left rehab — but friends and family members are frantic that she's on the fast track to another drug and alcohol-driven breakdown. 'Lindsay's been drinking, doing cocaine and causing all-around mayhem for the past few months,' an insider tells Star."

Now here, ladies and gentlemen, is the sign of a true addict: When offered a chance to leave prison early and take a trip to rehab, Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, chose to remain behind bars. Well, at least he's not a quitter.

When Blake Incarcerated was told by prison officers he could leave more than two months ahead of schedule if he agreed to detox, he turned up his nose. Then he was offered an early release on the condition that he live with his mother and wear an electronic tag. Blake, naturally, declined.

Hey, maybe he just likes prison — did you ever think of that? I mean, have you seen what he has to face when he walks out those doors?

[Source]

Actor Lillo Brancato Jr, whose most recent work of note was as mobster Matt Bevilacqua in The Sopranos, will go on trial next month for the 2005 murder of an off-duty police officer.

Brancato and another man were allegedly stealing prescription drugs from a private residence when the officer came upon them and a chase ensued. Brancato's co-defendant, Steven Armento, is accused of firing the fatal shot. Brancato claims he didn't know Armento was armed.

This story is about 500 percent less sexy than it would have been on HBO.

BLIND ITEMING "Which supposedly squeaky-clean starlet was a big fan of some pretty hardcore drugs back in college? Her favorite tagline is, 'Wow, the drugs in Hollywood are so much better than what we used to get.' Of course, all the evidence of her hard partying has been erased. Once she hit the big time a couple of years back, her publicist made the rounds of her pals and bought up all the photo evidence of her former fun."

George Michael got the celebrity treatment this weekend when he was busted for possession of crack and marijuana and then released with a simple warning. The incident occurred at a London airport bathroom after an attendant tipped off police, who gave a "relatively mild punishment" for possession of class A drugs. Who here is surprised?

To smooth over the situation, George released a statement:

I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them.

We have a feeling most fall in the latter category of people Michael was referencing, considering this incident occurred in the post-Crazy Britney era. No hard feelings, George.

[Source]

The Olsen twins are currently in a fight so stupid and easily mended it could serve as a plot to another of their low-budget children's movies just as soon as they hire a desperate enough screenwriter.

It's like this: Mary-Kate and Ashley started two fashion labels together, The Row, a couture line, and Elizabeth and James, a more affordable brand. Both lines are now suffering and Ashley, who's very focused on becoming a "respected businesswoman," believes the failure is due in large part to sister Mary-Kate's partying. Cocaine, as we're sure you know, is a helluva drug.

The rest of the story's all about good lines. Ashley wants MK away from the good line, The Row, until she can cool it with her own, special good lines and the smoking and the drinking, basically all the stuff that makes the fashion industry tolerable.

MK is left to focus on the cheap stuff, er, the more affordable line, Elizabeth and James, “It’s tough because The Row was so much of Mary-Kate’s idea. Mary-Kate has a unique fashion sense,” notes the insider.

“I just see myself more as a business person,” Ashley says.

Great idea, Ashley: give the wasted young millionaire LESS responsibility. That always shapes them right up.

Whoops! Just three days after sending everyone employed by TV rags The Insider and Entertainment Tonight a catty e-mail in which he called Insider host Lara Spencer out of touch and claimed she makes viewers want to "vomit," recovering addict Pat O'Brien is out on his ass. According to Page Six, O'Brien's bosses were "infuriated" by the missive.

O'Brien had been demoted from host to correspondent at The Insider following some time at rehab, apparently leaving him with some jealousy, resentment and anger issues. Shocking.

Time now for sad math: fired + bad attitude + recession = relapse

After being arrested (along with his son) on drug possession charges, actor Ryan O'Neal issued an unprecedented response (via his attorney): The drugs found in his home didn't belong to him.

Those were not Ryan's drugs, he doesn't use drugs, and has nothing to do with them. It's a dangerous assumption for deputies to have arrested Ryan just because he was in proximity to the drugs.

The lawyer then "declined to specify how a vial of methamphetamines found by sheriff's deputies Wednesday ended up in Ryan's bedroom, or whose drugs they were," but we know what happened: The drug fairies flew in during the night and hid them around the house. It happens all the time.

[Source]

Farrah Fawcett is going to be pissed: Her ex-Love Story lover Ryan O'Neal was arrested this morning, along with their 23-year old son Redmond, with narcotics believed to be amphetamines.

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The Insider correspondent Pat O'Brien is quite possibly one of our favorite Hollywood train wrecks. We all remember when he made those infamous drunk dials in 2005 in which he romantically told a girl, "You are so f–king hot." (Swoon.) He went to rehab shortly thereafter and again in 2007. Expect a third trip in the near future, because he's reportedly fired from his job at The Insider for yet another classy move: He sent an e-mail to the show's staff in which he complained about how much he hates anchor Lara Spencer. According to Pat, Lara makes people "vomit" when she frets over an Emmy gown because many viewers can't afford food or gas. Fair enough. You know what else makes us vomit, Pat? This.

Update: Text of the e-mail, in which O'Brien proclaims himself a "favorite son" of Iowa, after the jump.

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CHANGE YOU CAN FEEL IN YOUR VEINS "Two Delaware residents are giving new meaning to the term 'pushing' Obama, according to criminal drug charges filed Thursday. Fifty-two bags of heroin in bags stamped both with letters spelling out OBAMA and an image in the likeness of Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama were confiscated following a routine car stop on Interstate 95 in Upper Chichester, according to Pennsylvania State Police."