ENTITLED BRAT LIKES HEROIN "The LA District Attorney has just charged Jason Davis — aka Gummi Bear — with felony possession of a controlled substance and misdemeanor driving under the influence. The controlled substance in question: heroin. Davis was popped by LAPD on Ventura Blvd. in Van Nuys last Friday. Police sources told us at the time of the arrest that the substance in question was cocaine, but it turns out it was much more serious than that."

ALL IN ONE NIGHT? "Mischa Barton has been formally charged with driving under the influence, possession of 28.5 grams of marijuana (a misdemeanor) and being an unlicensed driver in connection with her arrest in West Hollywood on December 27, 2007."

As you may have heard, Paris Hilton's little brother Barron was arrested for drunk driving yesterday. The guy was arrested after being found wasted at 8 in the morning, a feat not even achieved by his older, STD-ridden sister. High five, Barron!

But the forgotten Hilton wasn't sprung from the clinker immediately:

Sources tell TMZ Barron Hilton called his sister Paris right after he got busted for DUI, pleading with her to bail him out. Paris said no.

We're told Paris rejected her brother's request, telling her 18-year-old brother, You're going to learn your lesson.' TMZ also knows Paris was 'very upset and very disappointed in him.'

To be fair, Paris also said the same thing to Prada, the cat she left at the vet, when he called and asked her to pick him up. Something about teaching Prada a lesson for not being hot enough.

[Source]

LIKE SPOILED MONSTER LIKE SPOILED MONSTER "18-year-old Barron Hilton, Paris' little brother, was arrested for DUI in Malibu at 8:30 AM this morning!"

Having already served 84 minutes in jail as part of her plea agreement for a litany of misdemeanor drug and alcohol offenses, Lindsay Lohan must now spend two four-hour days in a morgue.

Her time at the morgue will be followed by two days in an ER. Both stints intend to "show [her] the real-life consequences of drinking and driving."

So start knocking them back in your Beemers, Los Angeles, otherwise Lohan might be stuck learning the consequences of red meat at every meal and cancer.

[Source]

• NOW HE'S GIVING MILITARY SALUTES TO PORTRAITS OF L RON HUBBARD!!!!! [Yeeeah]

• 22-year-old Lily Allen suffered a miscarriage. No funnies about that. Let's move on. [DListed]

• Unironic mustaches: always good. [PS]

• Sarah Jessica Parker revealed to Allure that she used to be often told to get her nose "fixed." And it wasn't even broken. [INO]

• Kiefer Sutherland is getting out of the pokey on Monday after 48 days inside for DUI. Walk to work Monday, LA. [ICYDK]

• Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Hill World had a birthday party. All this time we thought she had a manufactured date. [HT]

• A drunk and busty Tara Reid retrospective. [CityRag]

• Kenya's a powder keg. Check it out. [NYT]

• LOL, indeed. [PITNB]

• No more masculine musicals! They're oxymoronic and moronic. [DListed]

• Cigarettes and jet skis would be a good name for an electroclash band if anyone listened to electroclash anymore. [PS]

• It's time for the porn awards; also know as the Oscars for Victims of Sexual Abuse. [HT]

• Mischa Barton makes history and takes responsibility for her actions. [INO]

• YIKES: "Pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears has been dumped by boyfriend Casey Aldridge because he doubts he is the father…" [ICYDK]

• Madonna's bottled water is even more stupid than everyone else's bottled water. [Yeeeah]

• Vinyl records are exactly 87 percent cooler than MP3s. [CityRag]

Two months after declaring plastic surgeon Jan Adams a "butcher" when his patient and Kanye West's mother, Donda West, died following a procedure, TMZ was today forced to print this:

The coroner says several things could have played a role in [Donda West's] death, but they could not say for sure what exactly killed her, adding there was no evidence that anesthesia — or even the surgery — caused or contributed to her death.

Besides publicly questioning his professional capabilities, TMZ also used their site to accuse Adams of being a sexual predator and a domestic abuser, and then they publicized his DUI arrest.

Now that he's been exonerated, in their one post on the matter (there were at least 10 degrading him), TMZ said only of Adams: "We've reported extensively that Donda West had cosmetic surgery the day before her death — performed by Dr. Jan Adams, who was not board certified in plastic surgery."

So, they shoot first and don't even ask questions later.

CELL BLOCK EASY STREET "'Lost' star Michelle Rodriguez has been released from [prison] early, having served just 17 days. She was originally sentenced to 180 days in the clink stemming from her DUI arrest."

• Are we having fun yet? [DListed]

• The updated bowl cut is the haircut of '08. We love it. [PS]

• Billy Zane and his lady friend recently took a swim. Billy Zane is bald and not trying to hide his head. Kudos to Billy Zane. [HT]

• Jessica Simpson is recording a country album, once again making us thankful we don't listen to nu country. [INO]

• Does a Lancôme ambassador have diplomatic immunity? [ICYDK]

• Recent DUI charge recipient Mischa Barton banned Paris Hilton from a party she was hosting because she doesn't want to be associated with the "party-girl scene." Ha! [Yeeeah]

• We think that's a kid hoisting a champagne flute! Oh, Italy! [CityRag]

What a year of decadence and depravity in Hollywood, huh? Throughout the last 12 months, Lindsay Lohan went to rehab and jail, Britney Spears went to rehab, Paris Hilton went to jail, Nicole Richie went to jail, Kiefer Sutherland went to jail, Michelle Rodriguez went to jail and Anna Nicole Smith died.

We'll probably never know for sure exactly what the hell is wrong with these people (we assume it's a combination of too much fame and money and too little education), but we're almost certain their steady decline into mediocrity, criminality and early graves will not cease in 2008. The question is who will falter this year, and in what way.

Here, let us make some predictions:

CONTINUED »

THE YEAR OF IRRATIONAL DRINKING With 2007 skidding to a close, yet another entitled dick got behind the wheel of a car after having a few too many, thus adding to this year's already extensive list of celebrity drunk drivers. And this one ruined lives other than his own: "…Jim Leyritz, a member of the New York Yankees championship teams in the 1990s, is being held at Broward County Jail in Florida, after being arrested for allegedly driving under the influence and causing the death of a woman driving the other car in a collision."

Hollywood's latest scourge of the 101, Mischa Barton, will proceed with hosting duties at a New Year's Eve party in Las Vegas.

According a representative: "We are aware of Mischa Barton’s incident last night, but at present she is still expected to host the CatHouse Grand Opening at Luxor Las Vegas on December 29th. We will let you know if anything changes." (Hint: It will not change. "It" being much, much more than this lame-ass party. So much more.)

How invigorating and hopeful to see a woman in the tail end of her 40s scoff at the staid morality of America and prove to everyone that dangerous, selfish decisions aren't just for teenagers.

…De Mornay was charged today by the L.A District Attorney's office with two counts of misdemeanor driving under the influence, stemming from her October 30 arrest.

Cops pulled over the 48-year-old actress on Sunset Blvd. on the night before Halloween. During the stop, cops…"immediately detected an odor of alcoholic beverages."

You're only as old as you feel after your third scotch, kid!

[Source]

Mischa Barton, arrested early this morning for myriad crimes, was released from police custody at 10:10 AM. Her charges include driving under the influence, driving on a suspended license and possession of narcotics.

Like clockwork, today's Google search results for Barton are twice what they were yesterday.

Only two weeks ago we questioned her relevance, and now the barely legal, barely famous Mischa Barton has been arrested in Los Angeles for driving under the influence. Proving yet again that she learned nothing from being Marissa Cooper.

[Source]

Hero torturer and eager drinker Kiefer Sutherland checked himself into the Glendale City Jail last evening.

Following a second DUI conviction, Sutherland is set to serve 48 days behind bars.

His sentence will find him in prison for his birthday, Christmas and New Year's Eve, which teeters very close to cruel and unusual punishment when imprisoning someone who likes to drink.

• Sorry, iTunes hasn't yet picked up this track, but feel free replay this song to your hateful heart's content. [Queerty]

• Movie stars are now doing what our government won't. What a wonderful world. [Source]

• Keanu Reeves keeping up that stellar Point Break physique. [PS]

• With luck, she'll pump her lips so full of garbage she won't be able to move them. [HT]

• Kate Moss en Mexico. No es muy interesante. [ICYDK]

• Scott Weiland's back on the sauce. [ICYDK]

• Jennifer Love Hewitt: "A size 2 is not fat!" True! [Yeeeah]