We're not jumping to conclusions here, but, just in case, here's three famous black comedians' (NSFW!!!!) takes on what it would be like to have a black president.
Mark Wahlberg, the man behind both "Good Vibrations" and Entourage, isn't exactly known for his warm and friendly demeanor. So it should come as no surprise that Marky Mark had some harsh words for Saturday Night Live after the show featured a clip of him (played by Andy Samberg) talking to random animals. The sketch was bizarre and slightly humorous (still, it's no "Fancy Pants"), but Wahlberg was not amused.
Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now.
Oh, Marky Mark. You should probably be grateful to SNL for this whole thing — it's the most attention you've had in years. Click through for the clip and judge for yourself. CONTINUED »
Eddie Murphy, on his plans to retire just a few years too late:
I have close to fifty movies and it's like, why am I in the movies? I've done that part now. I'll go back to the stage and do standup.
[Source]
Oily little man Brett Ratner is in talks to direct the remake of The Incredible Shrinking Man. Eddie Murphy is set to star in the film, which, again, will not be pornographic despite a premise that completely lends itself to the genre.
This today from Vulture, New York magazine's culture and entertainment blog, under the headline, "Confirmed: Scarlett Johansson Makes Best-Ever Album by an Actor":
We’ve finally heard her forthcoming album of Tom Waits covers for ourselves, and it’s official: Scarlett Johansson just gave us a Woody Allen. (And by the way, can’t you just hear the little man saying schwing?) The disc, Anywhere I Lay My Head, is good.
How incorrect they are! We heard Anywhere several weeks ago, and not only is it unworthy of the breathless copy above, it's patently ridiculous to suggest that this cover album is the best musical recording ever to come from an actor.
Everyone knows the best music ever made by a thespian is, of course, Jane Birkin's work with her notorious French lover, Serge Gainsbourg. Of particular greatness is the couple's song "Je T'aime… Moi Non Plus," a racy ballad kissed with lyrics like "I come and I go, in between your hips." Closely following their work is comedian Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time," that coke-fueled rager helmed by the late super freak Rick James. We've included both videos after the jump. Enjoy. And feel free to take to the comments to nominate any actors-cum-singers you feel deserve the title of "Best Ever."
Forbes released a list of Hollywood's most influential couples — and we have some issues with it.
Who shouldn't be on the list: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Seriously? The only thing that couple influences is our desire to vomit. And then there's Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz, who we thought broke up three years ago.
Who should be on the list: Britney Spears and frappuccinos. If those two don't go the distance, there's no hope for any of us.
The full list, after the jump. CONTINUED »
A piece now running in the highly-ignorable News of the World claims that comedian Eddie Murphy and Spice Girl Melanie Brown only had sex three times during the course of their relationship. "But incredibly," the article states, "that was enough to get her pregnant," meaning we don't think the News of the World knows how babies are made.
FRUITLESS UNION "Tracey Edmonds broke up with Eddie Murphy right before they were about to make their Bora Bora wedding legal because Murphy became bossy and physically intimidating, and insisted his mother accompany them on their honeymoon."
• John Mayer swears Jessica Simpson "loves Texas more than you know," which is an important endorsement…more than you know. [Jossip]
• Eddie Murphy already scared away another one. [DListed]
• Probably not pregnant because she's going out for sushi. If pregnant: shame! [INO]
• Tara Reid! Guess what sort of state she's in. [HT]
• Britney Spears is suing a photographer, meaning she still has lawyers working for her. Three years of law school and hundreds of thousands of dollars for that. Good decision, counselor. [ICYDK]
• Gwyneth might be preggeth. [Yeeeah]
• Robert De Niro's hotel will charge you $625 per night, but $500 will get you enough cocaine to make friends with someone from the Village with a foldout couch. Make the right decision. [CityRag]
MURPHY OFF THE MARKET "Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds were married on New Year's Day on a private island off Bora Bora in French Polynesia in front of 25 friends and family…" Fun fact: Johnny Gill was the best man.
Huzzah! The latest season of prime time placeholder Dancing With the Stars ends this evening. This season, never have we wished more that a television show had unsung writers who could cripple it at will, but that is currently neither here nor there; the issue at hand is this: Tonight, who will wail with glee at being named the Dancingest Star and simultaneously sound the death knell for this bullshit talent show (until its inevitable resurrection in the spring)?
Will it be Marie Osmond, whose triple-whammy of calamities (in order of sadness: father passing, rehabbed son, fainting) is sure to draw some sympathy voters? Or, will the much more deserving Melanie Brown be able to remind America that the show isn't called Feeling Sorry for the Stars and finally prove to Eddie Murphy that "he don't know what he's missing"?
Our breath is bated, we tell you!
Former Spice Girl and current bane of Eddie Murphy's existence, Melanie Brown, has been accused of leaving her two-month-old daughter, Angel Iris, alone with her housekeeper for four days while she eloped with Stephen Belafonte.
"One evening of baby-sitting turned into four days!" [the housekeeper] tells Star magazine.
"The child was sick, there was no nanny, and when Mel called, she never even asked about the baby."
Lamere also claims she was forced to buy food for baby Iris and her older half-sister (Phoenix Chi, 8) out of her own pocket during the four days Brown was away.
Fantastic. At least the child will have abandonment issues stemming from both parents' neglect. It makes the therapy a whole lot easier to navigate. Until then, who's the lucky guy who gets to take this girl out on her first date?
More of the happy, derelict couple after the jump.
CONTINUED »
• Good idea putting the toddler in Burberry so she can rub snot and mud on it. [Yeeeah]
• So theres this guy named Jim Bob in Arkansas with 17 kids…No, seriously, there is. [DListed]
• Richard Gere gerbil joke! Zing from the 80s! [ICYDK]
• Katharine McPhee does the weather. Forecast: hot and vapid. [HT]
• Eddie Murphy's exes like to get together and talk about how funny he was in the James Brown hot tub skit. Or they call him a deadbeat. [CityRag]
• Why two Is in Dannii? The better to see you with? [DS]
It seems that Eddie Murphy won't be doing the "Not My Baby Shimmy" made famous by scores of ethnically insensitive Maury guests. People magazine is reporting that a DNA test has confirmed that Murphy is the father of Melanie Brown's 2-month-old daughter.
"He's the baby's father, it's official," says a source close to Brown. "The baby is undoubtedly, 110 percent his."
Of Brown, the source said, "There was no doubt in people's minds anyways, least of all hers. It wasn't a surprise to her. She knew all along."
If there was ever a case for using condoms, it's that if you don't, there's a possibility you'll have to deal with a woman named Scary Spice for at least 18 years.
[Source]
• "More doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette." Well, in that case… [CityRag]
• If it's considered profane for a woman to grab her crotch while shouting "Eat me!" it's not a party worth attending. [Yeeeah]
• Young Hollywood kitten fight! [HT]
• Let's fight misogyny with censorship! Perfect solution! [SH]
• Scary Spice names her baby after Eddie in a preemptive strike! [ICYDK]
• "Extremely tight schedule" forces Alec Baldwin to duck daughter questions. [Jossip]
• That MySpace blog post really was Paris Hilton's phone number. Leave it up to these idiots to make MySpace completely classless. [ASL]
• I think running blindly down a hill of sand with her boobs sticking out further than her face is a pretty apt metaphor for Pam's life. [INO]
• I wouldn't go with "brain-meltingly." [Egotastic]
• Eddie Murphy nowhere to be found. [IDLYITW]
• Were you pretty sure the OJ book thing couldn't get crazier? [Defamer]
• Usher's having a shotgun wedding and he didn't even load the shotgun. [DListed]
• Sanjaya roundup, so you don't get lost amid his velvety locks. [Jossip]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt refuses to show her party of two. [Popoholic]
• Eddie Murphy's not a sore loser; he's just a family man. [SOMG]
• Olsens in Paris. [DS]
• "Victoria Beckham's reality" is oxymoronic. [Jossip]
• Mark Wahlberg uncomfortable with simulating gay sex in Brokeback, fine with simulating straight sex and huge penis in Boogie Nights. [ICYDK]
• What do Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis have in common? That's right: high-class whores. [TC]
• Friends have "studied" the lewd pics of the Idol contestant and swear it's not her. How do they know? "She's never had (acrylic nail) tips" like the ones in the photo. Go, Jersey: distinguishing friends not by face, but by fingernails! [Glitterati]
• Eddie Murphy being a little Norbitch. [DListed]
• Timberlake and Ricci in a Black Snake Moan sex scene. High on moaning, low on black snakes. [Egotastic]
• Pink is built like a Blue. [HT]
• When you can't carry what you bought by yourself and you're not shopping for marble statues or electronics, you bought too much shit. [INO]
• Too much bronzer, too much silver, just enough sober. [ICYDK]
• Anna Nicole Smith judge is being handed his own television show for doing a poor jjob and making a serious matter a joke. I was actually expecting this much sooner. [Jossip]
• Bobby Brown arrested at a high school cheerleading competition for the counterintuitive crime of not offering the pert young girls money. [Us]
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