ANOTHER SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE • "A one-year-old girl in Saudi Arabia is pregnant — with a fetus in her uterus and everything. Details are light but it appears be another case of an absorbed sibling — the mom was pregnant with twins, one wasn't viable, the other fetus absorbed it and it kept growing a little bit though technically it's not alive."
When alien robot historians one day comb through the archives of the Internet to discover how humanity came to its sad tragic end, they'll take one look at the 400 billion YouTube videos of people dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and debate for eons whether a maddened globe wildly gyrating to the lyrics "If you like it you shoulda put a ring on it" was the cause of our demise, or just a symptom.
Before you continue reading, please make sure there are no Britney Spears crazies in the immediate vicinity, because this news just might send them over the edge.
Tiny narc Ryan Seacrest announced on his radio show that Brit will reunite with ex Justin Timberlake tonight as part of increasingly desperate Madonna's "Sticky and Sweet" concert tour. The beginning of the end of days will take place at LA's Dodger Stadium, where all three singers will come together on stage for some world-class lip-syncing.
For our LA readers: It might be wise to stock up on flashlights and bottled water today.
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We care about our readers, so this is a public service announcement: The world is ending. How do we know this? Simple: It says in the Book of Xenu that a handful of celebrities will be arrested within a matter of days, then the Clay Aiken Claby will arrive at 8:08 on 08/08/08, and finally, both Brangelina and Britney Spears will step foot in New York City at the same time.
The final step occurred today when Brad and Angelina arrived in Manhattan with their army of children in tow, while Britney also spent her day with some kids in the Bronx. You know what comes next: The battle for the world's soul between Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and Suri Cruise (yeah, she's here too). … Or maybe we've had too much to drink. We blame Sarah Palin. She killed Rupert, you know. CONTINUED »
Good news, everyone: Michael Lohan ran to E! News to announce that he and the rest of his obnoxious family have called a truce just in time for his father's burial. Mike went on to confirm that all of his children will be in attendance, despite Lindsay's publicized absence at the funeral earlier this week.
But here's where things get weird: Michael actually goes on to say nice things about Dina!
'And I can't believe how great Dina has been,' he said of his ex-wife. 'She has been wonderful. She has been the woman I married. She has been great.'
Time to go stock up on bottled water and flashlights.
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OK, so Heidi Montag just released her new music video, "Overdosin," for our enjoyment, but there's something wrong with the clip. And not just the usual "I think Heidi is mentally unstable" stuff — the audio and video are completely off. The tape lasts over 10 minutes but the song is only three (yes, we sat and regrettably listened to the entire song), and the whole thing is in major slow motion. This makes our head hurt, and we shouldn't ever put this much thought into a Heidi Montag creation, but everybody else was acting like this was no big deal. Which, compared to that "Higher" monstrosity, it's a small issue.
We're not sure if we have been blogging about the Olsen twins for too long or if Mary-Kate is actually looking like a non-hobbit in these pictures from a screening of The Wackness last night in NYC. She even managed to wear an outfit that doesn't look like she pulled it out of her five-sizes-too-big grandmother's closet. Is this another sign of the apocalypse?
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Growing up in Abilene, Texas, my friends and I sometimes had to get creative when it came to entertainment. Normally, said entertainment consisted of them luring me into a car by convincing me we were going to go hang out at Sonic, but instead driving me by the House of Yahweh, a local cult. I would scream in the backseat, duck down, cry, etc., and they would laugh and laugh. But the cult — named one of the deadliest in America — terrified me. Having been in New York for almost a year, I assumed I was safe from all of that, but one of my friends informed me last night that the leader has predicted the end of the world — and it's supposed to be happening this week. CONTINUED »
It really is the end of days! If the famine, violence, rising temperatures and general sense of dismay darkening the globe haven't been enough to rattle your hope for a bright future, this one-eyed "demon goat" sure as hell should.
Click through (at your own risk) for the video.
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