Absolutely Fabulous, the English sitcom that originally showed us how much fun a fall-down life of substance abuse could be, is being adapted for American television. This is not good news.

Besides the fact that multiple attempts to recreate the 90s hit have all failed miserably in different stages of development, it just seems unlikely that two American actresses will be able to make alcoholism, drug addiction, whining and terrible parenting likable the way Joanna Lumley and Jennifer Saunders did. There really is something to be said of British charm, and those two had it in spades. American Xeroxes of their characters, Patsy and Edina, have proven to be more grating and obnoxious than laughable—think Megan Mullally on Will & Grace, or Portia de Rossi on Arrested Development.

Also, the American Ab Fab will be set in LA, and that's just sacrilege.

Click through for a montage of some of Patsy and Edina's greatest hits.

CONTINUED »

Please, America, elect Barack Obama. On behalf of the world. Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president.

But I know America to be a forward-thinking country because otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be president for eight years?

We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because in England he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

[Source]

HATE OUR PREZ, LOVE OUR MOVIES "The U.K. stood as the biggest consumer of U.S. movies for the seventh straight year in 2007, sending back $499 million in rental revenue to the Hollywood studios, 10% more than in 2006. Altogether, the six U.S. majors brought home a record $4.5 billion in '07, with No. 2 Japan accounting for $396 million, up 2.9% year-to-year; No. 3 Germany, $384 million, up 15.8%; No. 4 Canada, $342 million, up 2%; and No. 5 Spain, $304 million, up 4.9%."

Ha! In a case of mistaken career, Dita Von Teese, the woman who strips for a living but gets pissed if you call her a stripper, was asked by Prince Charles to perform for his son, Prince Harry, at Harry's birthday party in September.

Charles unwittingly hired the stripper after they met at the Cartier International Polo Tournament and she told him she was a "dancer," forgetting to add that her routine closes with her breasts slick with soapy water and topped by glittery pasties. Oh, won't the Queen be pleased!

Two sick, horrible bastards in Britain are skeeving everybody out by showing up to major events without faces. First it was Elton John's White Ball, then the Harrod's sale and then Wimbledon. Where their eyes and noses and mouths should be, there's some sort of contoured pink latex, which magically allows them to both see and breathe freely. It's a hell of a trick. Then again, there's always the possibility that they're real demons, like those that haunted our nightmares for weeks after our parents let us watch Jacob's Ladder at far too young an age.

Click here to see the creeps, and after the jump find two clips of one of the most disturbing films ever: Jacob's Ladder.

CONTINUED »

They're still beating us, fellow secessionists! Despite the fact that England's current government is its most conservative in years, its legislation is still decades ahead of America's.

See, over there, they've got this wild idea that television programs should be different from commercials and vice versa. And they're going to put their regulations where their ideals are. Whodathunk!

The U.K. media minister has attacked product placement in TV shows and said he will not allow the practice on British broadcasters even though it has been approved by the European Union.
…
Andy Burnham, secretary of state at the Dept. of Culture, Media and Sport since January, dropped his bombshell Wednesday in his first big policy speech on broadcasting.
…
“As a viewer, I don’t want to feel the script has been written by the commercial marketing director,” he added. “British programming has an integrity that is revered around the world, and I don’t think we should put that hard-won reputation up for sale.”

Only time will tell how miserable Britons become when they can't find out what kind of soda their favorite sitcom characters drink.

CRIME PAYS "Everyone should already know that 'Grand Theft Auto IV' is a hot-selling video game, but Take-Two Interactive Software CEO Ben Feder said Thursday that April sales of the product 'single-handedly propped up the U.K. economy.'"

So was I the only person who watched last night's Bachelor season finale? British Matt proposed to Shayne, the 22-year-old daughter of Lorenzo Lamas and this lovely creature. She's also an actress, but I don't need to tell you that — the clip above does all the talking. Watch as Shayne shows off her "shocked" and "in love" faces and delivers her lines, all the while making sure she doesn't let the camera see up her dress. It would be sweet if it didn't all sound so scripted. I give them two months.

Ashlee Simpson, on being told that, in cockney rhyming slang, "one too many Britney Spears" means "one too many beers": "Oh, you mean one too many trashy girls!"

Um, no, that's not what he meant, you damn pot.

Hide your pups, Britons. Paris Hilton, known murderer of animals, has inked a deal to star in a reality television show in which she will manage a dog grooming shop in London. Says a source to UK paper the Sunday Star: "Watching Paris act out her Los Angeles lifestyle, in which tiaras for Chihuahuas are of real importance, should be very entertaining. And she will no doubt be hitting the clubs and parties over here in the same way she does back home." Apparently, coiffed show dogs don't have to be canines.

Good, violent sport that she is, Naomi Campbell stopped yesterday to speak with two officers in Heathrow airport who had arrested her weeks prior and who she had called "fucking white honkeys." After chatting nicely with the bobbies for a couple minutes and presumably apologizing, Campbell devoured their heads and rushed off to catch her flight.

[Source]

Having just lost one of its most famous irritating blonds, Cameron Diaz, to Manhattan, perhaps Los Angeles believed its reputation as a mecca of blind fools was flagging. It would have been wrong, because here comes another miserable blond to fill Diaz's Manolos:

Heather Mills is keen to start a new life in Los Angeles - despite overwhelming evidence that America is not keen on her. Heather, speaking after appearing as a judge at the Miss USA pageant in Las Vegas, said: "In England, people don't like me. "But I'm going to move to America, Los Angeles hopefully. I love England but everything that has happened makes me realise I'll be better off in the States." Bizarrely, her comments came after she was booed and heckled by the Vegas crowd.

New information on the recent arrest of Naomi Campbell at Heathrow airport and her subsequent excommunication from all British Airways flights. According to the Sun, as she was being dragged away in cuffs, the maniacal fashion model began calling her arresting officers "fucking white honkeys." She then berated a particular policewoman so badly — calling her things like "white slag" — that the officer has since taken leave. Campbell's spokeswoman said she can't imagine her notoriously violent, malicious client saying anything of the sort. Campbell herself is quoted as saying: "It just goes to show I have to fight for who I am. It’s because I’m black."

The jury in the inquest to decide how Princess Diana and her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed, came to be in a fatal car crash in 1997, returned a verdict today of "unlawful killing." The jurors ruled that the combination of Diana's driver's negligence and the paparazzi tailing her was the cause of her death. Nobody is being charged with anything, as the $6 million hearing — paid for with taxpayer funds — is more a public criticism than a trial.

Marijuana induces paranoia. If you feel that you need anymore evidence to support that claim, read The Guardian's new interview with Snoop, in which he not only makes himself look like an ignorant wacko, but Barack Obama — whom he refers to as "that muthafucker" — also. (emphasis ours)
CONTINUED »

UK music magazine The Word was today forced by an English court to apologize to Morrissey for mischaracterizing him as a racist. An article in the publication had accused Moz of "attacking immigration" after he said in an interview that he's hesitant to move back to the UK because of its dwindling British identity. Morrissey accepted the apology and said, "I abhor racism and oppression or cruelty of any kind and will not let this pass without being absolutely clear and emphatic … Racism is beyond common sense and has no place in our society."

Glad that's all over, because my first son's middle name won't be that of a racist.

According to a survey of members of the UK's Association of Teachers and Lecturers, a third of England's teachers have pupils who consider Paris Hilton to be a role model. Two thirds said they teach children who aspire to be pop stars or professional athletes. Many teachers said they have charges who hope to be famous for nothing at all, and one reported a female student who said she would be content with her life if she could marry a professional "footballer."

Elizabeth Farrar, who teaches in a primary school, said: "Too many of the pupils believe that academic success is unnecessary, because they will be able to access fame and fortune quite easily through a reality TV show." And why wouldn't they when even our "journalists" have no problem with the untamed growth of celebrity culture as long as it's "giving the viewers what they want"? Great point, that one. You know what else people want? Handguns everywhere, no speed limits and crack, all of which are as safe as little girls looking up to Paris Hilton. Do what you like, though. I'll be in my room, avoiding the kids these days.

Addendum: My unyielding confusion to the first person to get illogical and flippant and say, "Fancy hearing this from YOU on a GOSSIP BLOG!!!!"

Miracles do happen, especially for the rich and famous!

Dancer, actor and terminal cancer patient Patrick Swayze has been tapped by a team of British surgeons to undergo a possibly life-saving procedure. Although Swayze is currently smoking away his final days here in the States, the doctors of the Royal Free Hospital in London think he's a great candidate for a radical new medical technique that involves reworking a patient's veins. Performed for the first time in December, the surgery is expected to save hundreds of lives per year.

Why Swayze wasn't offered this treatment by his American doctors we don't know. We thought medical professionals toiling under socialized regimes like that of the UK were working with rusty spoons and a textbook.